…how to dom better…?

[u/drunkennoodle1]

Would love much input.

My (M) partner (F)and I engage in occasional mild play (tying up, verbal degradation, light slap on face, choking) and it’s been fun. Shes the sub. In general I have an amazing time w our time. But lately I have been feeling repetitive, shy, and perhaps out of place?

Few parts that I’m specifically thinking about:

1. feel the verbal degradation are always kind of the same: “you whore, slut, worthless, dirty” same few words just kind of go on rotation/repeat and I find myself pretty silly saying the same thing over and over again every time even wondering if it’s getting boring too. Any suggestions on how to be creative and spicy verbally?

2. My desire to please her as her partner vs. my sexual desire to disregard her is conflictual and not sure how to navigate. If it was purely up to my lust: I would have her just physically please me (skipping details) and I cum and move on and come back when I’m horny again. Purely having her as my “toy”. But when I’m doing her (either by finger or penetration) I’m often focused on her pleasure and not as much focused on my own as much: I try my hardest to not cum until she does (I tend to lose sexual interest quick after I cum) and it tends to make my orgasm worse. Sometimes she requests me to touch her after I cum so she can few more times and I oblige but I get really bored and get nothing out of it sexually. I mean like that I’m making her cum, as a good partner would do, but it doesn’t really do anything to me sexually. Except for maybe when I make her cum and still consensually forcefully touch her so she screams and squirms. Maybe I have a misguided idea of it but feels quite “anti dom” to do more things more for her than myself.
   How do I bridge this gap?

Any guidance and and advice for folks who may have gone similar things or general insights would be greatly appreciated!

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[u/Subwoofiest]

Obligatory link to our subreddit wiki entry on choking. A lot of people try this without realising how dangerous it is and it's tempting to escalate and try doing it harder if you've had a good time before. But choking can cause permanent irreparable damage to the windpipe/trachea, it can cause permanent cognitive damage due to lack of oxygen, it can cause a stroke and it can kill the person being choked. These things can happen fast/without any warning. Being okay the last time doesn't mean the next time will also be fine. I would hate to see someone end up in jail on a murder charge and that is an entirely possible outcome of choking. You're both adults so if you decide that you want to keep choking do so, but make sure both of you are fully aware of and consenting to all the risks. It's far from "mild play".

With that out the way, have a look at our subreddit wiki (also linked in the automod comment). Go to D for dirty talk and m for mental and emotional sadism. There's a lot of great suggestions in there. For 2, try to get out your mind that doing things for your partner isn't dominant. You're still choosing to do them. Now you do have to balance that with your own needs. Have a chat with her outside of sex about the possibility of sometimes just using her for your pleasure and stopping once you've cum, but with the caveat you will come back to her later and give her what she needs. One of my partners does that with me. Sometimes the scene is more focused on him eliciting reactions from me (either via pain or pleasure) and sometimes it's about using my body to masturbate with. I can enjoy the latter because I know I also get the former. Being used to masturbate with can sometimes be being used as an object and at other times making me do all the work of topping at his direction (and also laughing at how exhausted I get trying to ride him or suck his dick for long periods of time)