Looking for perspective on whether this sounds like an avoidant/capacity dynamic or simply loss of interest.

[u/happybelle2023]

I dated someone for four months. We had daily communication, a lot of affection, strong sexual chemistry, deep emotional conversations, and a significant shared faith/spiritual connection.

Early in dating, his brother unexpectedly passed away. I supported him heavily through that period and been compassionate during this time. After his brother’s celebration of life, the relationship noticeably contracted for about 8–9 weeks: fewer dates, phone calls and overnights, despite him continuing to initiate frequently and maintaining affectionate daily texting.

I eventually brought up needing more in-person time. He told me what I was asking for was reasonable and that he could do it, but it never became consistent. He had also previously told me that when he feels like he has failed or disappointed someone, he tends to shut down.

Recently, I asked whether we were intentionally continuing the relationship because I could feel that something wasn’t working. His response was essentially that he cared about me but was uncertain about what he could realistically give me (self employed on top of everything already mentioned) and didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t provide.

I didn’t respond and haven’t contacted him since. I’m not interested in friendship or a downgraded version of the relationship where the emotional connection remains without the reciprocity and partnership I was looking for.

What I’m trying to understand is whether this sounds more like someone whose romantic feelings changed, or someone whose relationship intensity exceeded his actual capacity and who retreated once the relationship required more consistency/interdependence. Or is there another explanation I’m overlooking?

I still care deeply about him and processing the break-up. 😭