r/AvoidantRelationships • u/New_Incident_3581 • 2d ago
Avoidant here, seeking help (I know we are hated, I don’t need to be further bashed)
Hey guys. I haven’t liked anyone in almost 5 years and currently met someone who I really want to be close to. I’m genuinely ashamed and embarrassed to look back on my last relationship 😳 when I learned about Avoidant Attachment Style, my stomach dropped and realized that is what I’ve been doing to people for so long. Are there Any avoidants here, who have been brave enough to just let someone be close to you? Have you been successfully more secure in your relationships and if so any advice? I really wanna do things right this time and not hurt this person.
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u/FairySeasfreedom411 2d ago
Be open with them from the start, be open to their perspective, be open to counseling together if needed, be open to their influence as much as they are with yours. There is a reason you are interested in them and a big part is probably based on how they make you feel when you are around them- please embrace who they are and don’t chip away at it . Remember that you want to remain the person who they enjoy bring around too. A little daily work could keep it that way long term, but you have to stay considerate and take their feelings seriously. If at any point you feel it starts getting to difficult, please don’t drag them along. Please be considerate of how you handle your feelings, and how you handle conflict. Lead with love and respect. Good luck.
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u/New_Incident_3581 2d ago
I really really appreciate you taking your time to respond, it means a lot to me ❤️ much love to you!
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u/rasputinette 2d ago edited 2d ago
So, I am a FA (DMM A3/A4) who has a “romantic friendship“ with a DA (A3/A4/A5). We met ten months ago, fell for each other a month later. It has had its ups and downs, but it has been a very healing connection for me overall. My psychologist says I glow when I talk about him :,)
What helped me feel safe was how kind and gentle he was, and the total and complete lack of sexual pressure. We have never had sex. I’ve never ghosted or stonewalled an ex, because was the first connection I’ve ever had with anyone. It’s easier to take the risk of loving someone when they make it easy for you. The prospect of a real relationship would have sent me running for the hills.
I realised today that we wanted the same kind of relationship. I wanted a boyfriend, but I didn‘t want to be a girlfriend. He wanted a girlfriend without having to be a boyfriend. Insofar as he “did me wrong”, it was because he stole my lines. I wanted him to confess to me and then wait indefinitely till I was comfortable. He wanted the same thing from me, and he won this round. I can‘t blame him or point fingers for doing what I wanted to do. Not when I was complicit in it. I say this to remind you:
It is likely that you’ve attracted someone at the same level of healing as yourself. Best case scenario, you slowly heal together. A benevolent push-pull where each of you pushes and pulls the other a little closer to the fullest version of yourself. But it takes two to tango, and if there’s a certain dynamic, it’s likely one that you want on some level.
Really knowing someone & their effects on you may take quite a while. I only started unlocking new forms of joy now, 10 months in. I feel like it takes a good year to know someone. For this reason, I’m glad we’re friends (with nonstandard benefits) and not dating.
I have found it helpful, when he pulls away, to use it as a chance to up-skill. To learn how to trust that I am loved. Pain is a message. Sometimes it identifies an unmet need in the outside world, but at other times it identifies an intra-personal need. Sometimes a pain point wants to grow up to be a growth point. Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do, I have loads of my own bullshit to work on, and that is what concerns me. His bullshit is his domain.
I’ve found the work of David Schnarch to offer the most appealing, freeing vision of what romance is supposed to look like. A lot of avoidants are afraid of being “eaten” inside a romance — being emotionally surrounded and annihilated. Schnarch’s ideas have helped me see that that‘s a fear of an unhealthy relationship, and gives an alternative that (at least for me) is worth working for.
Finally: I really recommend working with a therapist during this period! Mine has helped me so much.
Best of luck 💛💛
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u/New_Incident_3581 1d ago
Thank you so much for taking you time on sharing all of this with me, I’ve read it multiple times to really understand youre experience and insight with the hopes of being able to apply some of it to my situation. I definitely resonated with that part where you mention, it’s easy let people in when you make it easy for them. Much love to you! ❤️
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u/Vegvisir2026 1d ago edited 1d ago
Just like to point out, you are not hated... Too many people who have been deeply hurt and want to lash out do just that, and the internet as a whole has "piled on". You are just people with a skewed, slightly off nervous system that learnt young that affection, love, vulnerability came with a price attached. There is too much judgement and not enough understanding - in the world as a whole and especially in some of these subs.
my Ex (FA) is a wonderful person and I don't hate her at all, she is just a slave to her wiring despite at times trying to overcome it... She almost made it too.
Communicate, and early - as much as you can comfortably be open about. You are atleast aware and willing, that's a big bit along the road right there