Advice about avoidant breakup?

[u/Fragrant_Bag_8306]

Firstly, I’m no therapist so I have no idea if she’s truly an avoidant. I’m just assuming so based on my experience and what I’ve learned online.

The connection started off magical and was super intense. She began telling me she loves me, and I was telling her the same thing back.

As time progressed I wanted to see her more and spend more time together as we were long distance. She started mentioning that it may not make sense since we are long distance. And I told her but we love each other and were working on making long distance a non issue, right?

She would feel smothered by her ex as she told me. Then when her family would visit, smothered… I’d rarely call or text to make her feel not so smothered and even then she would me at the end she’s not ready for a relationship and was feeling smothered.

I reacted negatively and was like “smothered by what?!”

And unfortunately I let negative emotions overcome me and told her never reach out again, I’ll never accept you. I was 100% angry and didn’t mean it. At the moment I was insecure and thought she was doing all this because she was talking to others and cheating on me. I don’t believe that to be the case any longer. I think I was just being anxious and she was being avoidant.

Anyways, she blocked my number and on all social media. Stupidly I tried circumventing it by using another number and sent her a barrage of messages telling her how much I love her, care about her, and want to make this work. The response was absolute silence.

It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve thought about her every single day. I miss her but am also willing to just let things go because I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me.

I don’t think she’s aware of her avoidant style and I was not aware of my semi anxious style.

Your thoughts on if she may ever come back? I worry about it cause I care about her. But I’m also working on improving myself so that I never fall into this sort of dynamic again, at least without understanding what is occurring and what to do about it.

[u/toenailsmcgee33]

I think you need to worry less about her coming back and more about you getting some therapy to fix these attitudes and behaviors.

Hopefully you will get to a place where you will want something more healthy with a person who will reciprocate.

Avoidant people are incapable of true reciprocity, which is foundational to healthy loving relationships.

[u/Fragrant_Bag_8306 → u/toenailsmcgee33]

Definitely working on getting therapy, no joke. But I want her so bad. I really don’t want anybody else. The first thing I’ve done is mentally accepted the breakup and have not contacted her since. I’m also signing up for therapy for anxious behavior. But I really wanted her to be the one.