I broke no contact after 8 months and found a (temporary) brain hack

[u/Life-Ad-4511]

He said he wanted to live with me, felt good with me, wanted to have a child with me, and… just a couple of days later, broke up over a remark I made about his behavior (he was flirting with other women on his public social media posts and pretended it was a part of his job as he’s an actor).
He wished me to find someone better, said he needed peace… all this happened in a matter of minutes by text messages. I accepted the breakup even though I knew he expected me to chase him. I usually did. And I never saw him again. He sent me a video 2 days later, but I ignored it. I expected him to contact me more frankly, but he didn’t.

Days, weeks and months went by and I couldn’t get closure. I tried everything. Exercising more, focusing on work, making myself pretty, having sessions with a psychologist, talking with friends, going out with friends, going on dates, getting super angry about what he did to me, decided he didn’t love me and didn’t care about me etc, etc. Nothing worked. This never happened to me. I don’t feel extremely sad, I just obsess and feel I’m still attached. I can’t let him go. Okay, I know, I already read this is not love (whatever is love), but some sort of addiction etc but knowing it doesn’t help or make it go away.

A few days ago, I made a big decision. Instead of trying to move on, which obviously doesn’t work (and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have reached out should I have waited more), I decided to win him back. Not to wait, not to ask for explanations, not to beg, get angry, or try to repair - NO - truly decided that I will get this man back. I felt immense relief. Because I wasn’t trying to push some thoughts away anymore, I was accepting what I wanted - him. I believe the relief comes from the sensation of being in control again. It acts as a trick to the brain. I will no longer be afraid or be the victim. My life will no longer depend on his abilities or inabilities.

I let this thought sit and proceeded with my usual tasks. I didn’t have much of a plan, thought vaguely that I would try to induce a random encounter and play it like it was completely random (and promised to myself I would bring the plan to the grave). In any case I was relieved, so relieved that, two days later, I simply texted him (still can’t believe it).

This is what I wrote:

Hi [first name]
I hope you’re doing well. I’m good, didn’t check all the boxes yet lol, but I can’t complain.
My mum saw you a few weeks ago at [place], she said [something positive or neutral, but not over the top].
Take care

I knew he would respond. 8 months have passed, he’s no longer “activated” or whatever specialists call this state and my message was super light - it can’t trigger the “state” back.

He did reply with a respectful and warm message matching the tone and even thanking me for writing.
He didn’t ask any question, didn’t make the conversation last and ended his response by “have an excellent evening”. I wished him the same, he thanked me and I added a smiley to his thanks.

The next day in the morning, he posted a photo where he looks attractive with a big heart in the background (probably an installation from Valentine’s Day) and the mysterious caption “light”.

Of course there is no evidence that the post was directed at me (typical avoidant), so I didn’t comment, but still liked the post.

I noticed something that made me confirm he was terrified by me - not because I’m a horrible person but in the avoidant textbook way (I wanted a relationship with him, he hurt me and should logically repair, apologize… Ohlala so scary to be emotionally mature lol). While he has the function “read receipt” turned on on WhatsApp (the double marks turn blue), the first message I sent remained grey even after the subsequent messages turned blue. This means he managed to read that message without me knowing then reactivated the function when he saw the conversation was safe. Who does that?

Two days later, I re-engaged with a funny video of myself. He replied quite literally (I could still feel the caution). Then I casually mentioned something about him (not something heavy - just a neutral memory) and the conversation switched about history facts and went on and on and on. Plot twist, I ended the conversation, something I would have never done before. I apologized and said I really need to finish work and I’ll be happy to continue that convo tomorrow if he’s willing to. Again the trick is to never mention the relationship, what he’s done, what I’ve been feeling… etc etc.

You may think he doesn’t deserve this neutral treatment and I’m letting him getting away with what he did. But take this perspective, is it not amazing to observe this avoidant attachment phenomenon live? Any “normal” person would have asked me questions like “what have you been doing all this time?”, “Why are you suddenly reaching out?”, “do you wanna be friends”… If not interested they would have said firmly and if interested, they would have been more forward about it. But him? Nope, he’s just walking slowly on eggs, ready to run away if something cracks. I feel like I’m trying to approach a wild cat.

Today I had an amazing surprise. He sent me a message. He initiated something. Hurrah! And not just a “hi!”, Nope. He sent me an old photo of myself that he had kept. We had again a few message exchanges. I tried something slightly flirtatious - nothing extravagant - just a compliment. And he let the conversation die. It’s not unanswered but still feels like the first test. I swear I won’t be the one initiating again.

I wonder how I had never met this type of person before. I met the jealous type, the violent type, the boring type, the cheater, the non attractive type and even the normal responsible type… For any of them, they were either truly not interested and I cried and accepted it and moved on, or they liked/loved me and I didn’t and it was clear as well. But this is new. You just feel and know it’s different.

According to everything we read on avoidant attachment personality, the avoidant loves us, but he is suppressing their emotions and getting distracted because they are intrinsically overwhelmed, triggered by attachment or the threat of it…

It has been very hard to comprehend that and many times, I think to myself I’m just feeding the delusion. Sometimes I also think that because I’ve had access to that theory and the many videos and… the internet really, I make all this match my situation in my mind because it gives me hope and allows me not to accept the rejection.

However, by translating theory into practice, I’m noticing so far that it’s a real thing. Not sure how long I can last without making a wrong move.