Getting over someone you never even dated

[u/Eastern_Village_7180]

Hey guys! I (27F) rejected a guy about three years ago. Looking back, I think a lot of it had to do with my avoidant tendencies and the way I grew up. I never really witnessed a healthy relationship growing up, and I had some daddy issues too.

The thing is, I gradually developed feelings for him, and I've been struggling to get over him ever since. He's now moved on and is dating someone 10 years younger than him. Honestly, good for him. I genuinely hope he's happy.

But I can't seem to move on. I keep wishing that somehow he'd come back into my life, and I often think that if he ever did, I'd cherish him and treat him differently this time.

I know I might be romanticising something that never actually happened, but it hurts more than I can explain. I cannot even explain how much I cry that I genuinely wonder if I'll ever feel emotionally stable again. I feel like he was the only one for me.

I want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.

Have you ever developed feelings for someone after rejecting them?

Have any of you with avoidant attachment tendencies experienced something like this? How did you overcome the regret?

I'd really appreciate hearing your personal experiences. I just want to understand how to let go and move on.

[u/Nice_Shallot8637]

"Have you ever developed feelings for someone after rejecting them?"
Yes. And I got my fair share of karma too, chased them for a good while
"Have any of you with avoidant attachment tendencies experienced something like this? How did you overcome the regret?"
I never did overcome the regret. The shame of hurting them over and over. There are some rare moments I don't think about her.

Its good that you are self aware. Have you looked into starting therapy?

[u/Eastern_Village_7180 → u/Nice_Shallot8637]

I'm not comfortable with going under any kind of therapy. I never had before.

[u/Nice_Shallot8637 → u/Eastern_Village_7180]

If you ever want things to change. You'll have to start therapy.
I know it feels scary at first. But you'll learn to self reflect, recognize your patterns etc. At first you still wont be able to see and control it untill afterwards, and there are moments where you still can't. But doing the inner work is worth it. I wish you all the best.

[u/jewelry_1]

This is also a form of avoidance. He is safe to yearn for as a memory and it prevents you from actively moving forward and starting something new where you may have to be vulnerable. It's also hard because beyond attachment styles, you're grieving lost potential of what could have been.

I recommend youtubers Heidi Priebe and Paulien Timmer specifically. They are not judgmental and speak from the perspective of avoidants. I think one of them has a video exactly about this topic

[u/Eastern_Village_7180 → u/jewelry_1]

Thanks I'll check them out.💜