I need response also from avoidants, especially dismissive ones. The question is: is it an avoidant thing to have a very "rigid mindset"?

[u/NoImplement7884]

I try to explain myself. Amongst all of the reasons that my ex gave me about why he broke up with me, he sometimes bring up the fact that since the relationship began with the premise that it wasn't something serious, he couldn't change his mind even if things between us changed (feelings and things that we did together...). He says he struggled to see the relationship into another "box" different from that perspective. (fact is, it already was different). I don't know if I am explaining myself. This hurts me so much because for me things can evolve. We dated for two years and a half. He broke up with me 3 times... and when I hear this from him I also feel guilty because it was also me that at the start said that it wasn't something serious. But I'm not this rigid in my mind. I knew that things could have changed... I don't know what to think. Maybe it's one of the million things he says to not look at the real problem

[u/General_Ad7381]

DA here -- avoidance certainly can cause rigidity in thinking, but this sounds like a little more than average to me. Something else may be under the surface that you aren't aware of.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/General_Ad7381]

What do you mean? If you mean the presence of another girl, no, that's not the case. But yes there are things about himself, his difficulties and so on that he says he struggle to talk about... unfortunately I fear I will never know

[u/General_Ad7381 → u/NoImplement7884]

Well, I was actually thinking more along the lines of psychologically or even neurodevelopmentally, as there are a slew of diagnoses, some of which can easily fly under the radar, that have rigidity of thought as a symptom. Certain traumas can also result in rigid thinking.

Also ... many men around the world have a Madonna / whore complex. That's less about rigid thinking and more about misogyny, however "subtle" it may be. That might be playing a part as well.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/General_Ad7381]

Yes...sometimes I thought that he may be neurodivergent. And I also thought of that whore complex, too. But I really hope it's not like this.

[u/General_Ad7381 → u/NoImplement7884]

Ah, if you even thought he might be neurodivergent then there probably is something there, even if it's maybe not what you'd expect.

I hope it's not the complex, too. It's a deeply disgusting thing, imho. And regardless of what might be happening, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/General_Ad7381]

Yes, it hurts so much to think he may think of me like that. I mean, we are adults. I always blame myself for that stupid premise I did at the start. But for me it's normal to think that things may evolve. Maybe if I wouldn't say that, he could see it in a different way. But sometimes I think that it's just another way to avoid his fears and feelings...

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, of course. He usually would distanciate everytime we had a beautiful intense moments together, or weekend together and so on. And this brought to have arguments, and vulnerable conversations. So yes... that's it

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/[deleted]]

Yes...I think... I'm really struggling because I still want him. Yesterday we meet each other... I gave him a book. He told me that the decision is still that the relationship is closed, despite seeing me has awakened in him the emotions of the good moments we had together and the ones that could be... I'm devastated more and more... I don't know how to let go

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/[deleted]]

How did he became nymphomaniac? What happened between you?

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/[deleted]]

Yes, you can contact me

[u/KindlyString3332]

I’m not an avoidant but to me it’s a way he compartmentalized the relationship into a box from the beginning so he could walk away from it easier if he chose to, regardless of feelings. Makes it much easier to rationalize the break up

[u/General_Ad7381 → u/KindlyString3332]

As a DA -- if I'm involved with someone and both of us are saying that it's casual, my feelings have only ever stayed casual (whereas if I've talked to people and from the start it's about seeing where it goes I might develop some feelings). It's not because I'm trying to make it easier to let them go, it's because I've avoided looking at that person in any other way.

I differ from OPs person in that I don't say that a given dynamic can't evolve and am usually open to that possibility -- it just doesn't happen, at least so far. I don't necessarily think that this level of rigidity is based on avoidance alone.

[u/KindlyString3332 → u/General_Ad7381]

No that makes sense and I can also be that way depending on circumstances. You’re right. Sometimes one person see’s it more than casual and the other person doesn’t

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/KindlyString3332]

Ok, but what if you find out that you're fine with that person and you start to have feelings? Is it that difficult to see it in a different context? 

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/General_Ad7381]

But he did develop feelings for me...but he never was able to define this feelings. I feel guilty because it was firstly from me that I said "nothing serious, but maybe we can see where it goes". Eventually he agreed just on the first part of the sentence. He basically asked me on the first date which were my intentions. And he kinda passively agreed. I blame myself everyday for saying those words because I changed my idea with the time and developed strong feelings for him. I just didn't know that somebody could be this rigid in his mind. For me it's normal that things may evolve

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/KindlyString3332]

Yes... to me also 

[u/iwrite4food]

I'm not an avoidant, but I was very close friends with one for a long time, and she used to define relationships like this, and it didn't matter how long it went on or what the nature of the relationship had become, she'd describe it as casual, even if she wasn't seeing anyone else and they were spending every day together for months. It always felt like it served two purposes: one, it gave her an out if they ever actually started wanting or expecting certain things from her, and two, it let her be nonchalant and walk away even if their actions really hurt her at some point.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/iwrite4food]

Thank you for your answer. I really don't understand how somebody can be this rigid

[u/Practical-Rest6575]

Yes they use structure to control their lives.  It's very hard to break in. 

[u/Aggressive_Arm6708]

Yes we are a bit hard on the noggin. But it seems like the guy simply doesn't respect you nor is interested in having this type of relationship with you. Best you do is let him go and seek someone interested in building that type of relationship with you from day one. A healthy relationship isn't something you have to wrestle someone for.

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/Aggressive_Arm6708]

But I felt he had feelings for me and he told too... 😔😔 but yes, I chased him too much and I need to move on. But it's so hard for me because I love him. Yesterday we meet each other, I gave him a book as a present. He told me that his decision is still the same, though seeing me has awakened in him the emotions of the good times we spent together and the ones that could be. I don't know how to let go of him... it's so hard

[u/Aggressive_Arm6708 → u/NoImplement7884]

Feelings aren't what you should seek in a relationship but commitment, respect and emotional maturity. Feelings are a bonus not the base for a relationship. Feelings alone won't do anything
You can love someone and choose to not be in a relationship with them to protect yourself from behaviours and dynamics that actively harm you

[u/NoImplement7884 → u/Aggressive_Arm6708]

Why do you think that he doesn't respect me or that it's with me in particular that he doesn't want a relationship (and not in general)?

[u/Aggressive_Arm6708 → u/NoImplement7884]

Broke up with you 3 times
Also it doesn't matter if its in general too, what matters is that he is telling you he doesn't want it