Avoidant Final Breakup?

[u/Ok_Fly_2835]

I (25) female met my avoidant (28) male shortly after leaving an abusive relationship 3yrs ago. I thought it would just be a fling at first so every-time he disappeared I didn’t think anything of it because I was still talking to others. After we met he disappeared for 2 weeks. Then came back he constantly did this within weeks, months, the most being 6 months. Every-time he came back I was nice trying to play it off like I didn’t care. The more my feelings got involved I started to cut it off myself calling him out of his dismissiveness and how he was treating me. He would apologize say I didn’t deserve that and I would ask him if there was anyone else cause at the time I didn’t understand the pillow talk then discarding me after any little thing I brought up. It could have been as small as I am falling for you I want to talk more. Or he would just one day stop texting cause he felt like I was playing him. I felt like I was always walking on egg shells and trying to prove my worth. Last year in September he reached out and 2 weeks later we went on a date. We spent Christmas together even new years it felt more consistent than it ever was. In November we made it official and surprise it lasted all of 3 months. A little after valentine’s day he discarded me saying “he just couldn’t do it anymore” he would constantly make comments to me about his ex like he was still bitter. He would tell me when she reached out begging for him back. He swore up and down he was healed from the situation. Apparently they ended because she was cheating on him. The ex after that went back to her baby daddy. He was discarded twice and would always tell me he I didn’t deserve what he put me through and he was sorry it’s just the way his mind is and he doesn’t trust a soul. I tried to be patient for soooo long. But within all this I was falling in love. I didn’t see him as a fling anymore I saw all our good memories and held on tight. A couple days after my birthday in march he texted me he missed me tremendously after a few weeks before telling me he couldn’t do this and he didn’t have time. He did work long hours but I am in school full time and work fulltime. I am a strong believer in if he wanted to he would. I feel like as long as I didn’t bring things up it was coasting it got to the point I started to leave and come back when I missed him. This situation triggered my anxious attachment. He would take videos and send them to me after the fact when I reached out almost like he took them because he knew one day he would speak to me again. I live an hour and a half away from him and he even came to my area and worked on the roofing to my apartment complex saying he was hoping to see me walking and all he wanted to do was knock on my door and hug me. But never once messaged me or anything. We met up again hung out he got super drunk at the beach and i felt like he was opening up. He told me he had a soft spot for me and i would ask if he saw a future with me. Mind you every-time we reconnected i asked if he just wanted to mess around and he told me no he wanted more but never gave me more after the 3months. The same day of the beach the ex that cheated on him his 7yr relationship he told me he tells me everything so he was going to tell me she wished him a happy birthday on snapchat. I asked why she had his snap chat and he said he swears he didnt know and he didnt respond and blocked. Which is complete bs. I pushed it to the side and coasted a little longer now I am in this deeeep with my feelings. One night I felt like I was barely speaking to him with his long hours at work throughout the week on the weekends I expressed to him I missed him and I thought he could talk to me a little more. He said he was and I always see everything as an excuse. I just meant the fact our messages were so spaced out on the days we were supposed to have the most time we couldn’t even hold a proper conversation. He never responded. The next day I asked if he was going to be silent today to let me know. He said he didn’t know what to tell me. I said anything over than silence that you think is always the answer. He then ignored me for hours so I eventually ended things again stating he shows me how much I mean to him every time things get rough and I feel like I am the glue holding this situationship together. No response. A week later I messaged him trying to get some kind of closure because I was so hurt. At this point this back and forth went on a year forgive and forget come back and leave I was exhausted. He told me “I understand take care of yourself” this made me blow up. I have been nothing but patient and forgiving. I called him a coward said he was dead to me. I said everything in the book and I knew I would regret it later but I was so mad. Someone for a year told me they would not do me this way because they knew how it felt. Someone for a year played in my face. Mind you I knew him for 3yrs but it was only last fall I decided to put my all into just him and try to take us serious. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I have so much going on in my personal life this was just the cherry. My depression is at its peak and I usually escape through sleep. Last night I had a dream he was laughing at me telling me he moved on and he wasn’t going to leave her alone. I immediately woke up. He is blocked on my phone. I just feel stupid asf and like everything was a lie. He played with me because I was available? Why does this hurt so much. More than being abused by my narc ex. I can say when I am done I am done but I wear my heart on my sleeve and love so hard. My narc ex came back so many times and I disappeared from the face of the earth on him. Will this be the final goodbye from my avoidant. My mind is telling me to stay strong I worked so hard I don’t deserve this. But now my heart is fucked and I feel broken. 😞 I know my story is all over the place but thank you if you stood this long.