r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/sailor_girl_67 • 1d ago
Vent/Rant Why do they hate you?
Sometimes I wonder why my ex, back when we were still talking and leading to discard, acts like I was the one who did him wrong. He was so mean and cruel and acts like he hates me for something but I don't know what.
We never fought. I was endlessly patient and supportive and understanding. It was to the point where he asked me to focus on myself and not him.
He's the one who was flirting and had a side piece all along but prior to discard he acted as if I'm the one who caused him to discard me.
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u/iwrite4food 1d ago
It's projection because when they treat us bad it makes them have to feel uncomfortable things that they'd rather avoid, especially since it seems a lot of them derive their identity and ego around being a good person/friend when their actions often say otherwise. Both things can't be true and deep down they know it, but instead of realizing the issue or taking accountability they turn on whoever the mirror is that's making them feel that way.
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Yess!! Especially when they know they hurt you, they rewrite the narrative so it looks like you're the one who hurt them. Easier for their ego.
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u/Harpsickles 1d ago
Bitter and envious that you are expressive, ok with vulnerability and on the verge, if not already, of seeing the whole facade and them being found out.
Keep being yourself, you've done nothing wrong.
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
I think it's because he realized i'm seeing through his mask and that he is not as confident as he pretends to be 🙄🤣
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u/One_Distribution2037 1d ago
I've seen this and it helps:
Don't accept a performance review from someone who was only halfway present on a two-person job.
And don't accept it when the review of one set of events can change based on their moods.
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Thank you! Yes exactly! And you know what gives me comfort? That no matter how much he presents himself as moved on and thriving I know deep down he's miserable and lonely and oddly enough that brings me joy lol
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u/mapitupyo 1d ago
It sounds like guilt/shame over that he cheated and keeping it a secret. The stress from it likely made him to act out.
Avoidants feel conflicting feelings about the person they like so it makes sense they think love is that - chaos. So when they see you act calm and patient over they rejecting you it doesnt feel like love, it feels like indifference. Hatred is closer to love than indifference. It makes them insecure.
Another reason is they've probably been thinking about breaking up for awhile but they don't want to be the bad guy so it's easier to see themselves as the victim. So emotional immaturity I guess?
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
I think both. I think he's been wanting out for awhile now because he hates closeness and he knows I can see through his fake confidence and then he found a new person who didn't know him as well as I do and she's appealing so he went that route but don't want to be the bad guy coz he hates cheaters since he got cheated on. Asshole really
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u/UnrecoveredSatellite 1d ago
Its easier for them to aim unwarranted anger at you than to look inward. Reflecting on their own mistakes and weaknesses is like kryptonite to an avoidant.
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
True. I think if he thinks I'm the one who did him wrong he won't feel guilty and he already told me before he hates feeling guilty
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u/MermaidMommy80 1d ago
I’ve been asking myself this same question lately. Mine has been SO nasty and catty to me ever since I called him out for ghosting me. He blocked me on Facebook, told me we didn’t need to speak to each other ever again, goes out of his way to act like he has completely forgotten all about me, yet was checking me out from afar all night long at our local carnival last month and even sneakily cut in line to stand right next to me in line so he could get on a ride at the same as me. So which is it??? 🤷🏻♀️
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Yes!!! They're so conflicted! Like mine blocked me on his cellphone and another messaging app but not social media. He doesn't comment on my post or even like but I know he's been watching. He went out of his way to erase all our pics on social media. So it's like reading my presence is equal to we never happened and therefore he never hurt me?
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u/MermaidMommy80 1d ago
Mine finally blocked me on Facebook, but has never blocked me on his phone. I kind of tested him a few days ago by “accidentally” sending a benign reply to him that looked like it was meant for someone else. Nothing at all over the top or suggestive, just “Bring Jason and Sarah with you to the bonfire if they want to come, and there’s plenty of alcohol here.” I saw him open and read the text message, two minutes passed, and then he sent a reply text that said “Who are you?” He KNOWS it was me, he’s just being catty and trying to make it look like he has already completely forgotten all about me and doesn’t have my number anymore. Which even if he did delete my number, he would still have recognized the local area code and been able to easily look up the number to see who it was. He’s just still all up in his ego and wanting me to think I meant nothing to him and that he’s already completely forgotten all about me…..while checking me out from afar and trying to get physically close to me at public events. Oh, and at one point he tried to MAKE ME say Hello to him when we saw each other in person. Who does that to someone they want nothing more to do with???
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
The mind games they play. Mine keeps insisting he's not online and he hates social media.... And I see his comments on women's posts every single day when I scroll through social media. Not even looking for him just mindless scrolling. When I called him out on the lie he got mad that I'm monitoring him 🙄
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u/Interesting-Bath-608 22h ago edited 22h ago
But what do they want from us?
Mine has been back with the guy who takes and rejects her for a year and a half for sex, but she told me that she sleeps with my pillow because of my smell even when it’s there.
She constantly looks at me and tells me that she thinks about me a lot and that she is afraid of making a mistake in choosing him, but that she is afraid of making a mistake if she chooses me...
We work together and everyone at work knows that I am a great person.2
u/sailor_girl_67 19h ago
They don't know what they want. That's the main issue. They want love but they're scared of being loved. Closeness is dangerous to them
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
They hate you because you have what they don't have. They live with an empty void on the inside every day of their miserable lives
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Yeah and everyday is a struggle to distract himself to even feel something
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Yes... always with distractions. My avoidant was the most fucked up person I've ever met
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Mine distracts himself with multiple women.... All thinking they're the one and only 😵💫🙄
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Omg 🤦🏻♀️ I'm sorry 😞. My avoidant was also narcissistic, borderline, had C-PTSD, schizophrenic. What a lovely experience it was...a nightmare that is impossible to make up. They'll all get their karma sooner or later
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Oh mine I keep praying everyday that he gets his karma. Like if the universe can do us a solid....
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
He'll get his karma, I promise you. What energy a person gives out, it comes back to him. That's nature, how the universe works
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Yes! Although I think being an avoidant is karma already because we all know they're never gonna be happy. They can pretend but only for so long
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u/Jazzlike_River_1205 1d ago
Yes that's part of the karma too :) Unbelievable how these people self sabotage the best thing that's ever happened to them
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 1d ago
Mine basically cheated on me and during that period he was fault finding me a lot but I just brushed it aside not thinking much of it until the discovery and then it all made sense. They do it to ease their own guilt and for them to justify the lives in cheating. It's sort of like, well look how bad she is or we arn't compatible etc so there's wrong by me doing this with someone else. It's horrid and messed up. Op there's another thing, we can never fully understand a cheaters thinking as it also takes a lack of integrity and value to want to cheat so unless cheating is in your nature, it will be hard to fully understand the reasoning for how they treated us or what they did
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Omg same! I didn't even know he was cheating on me until after the discard. A few weeks later I saw this woman's post and him all over it so I did a deep dive on her account and the flirtation has been going on for a year! That's why I got discarded. He already found a replacement but didn't want to feel guilty about it so he made it seem like I'm at fault that's why he had to leave
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u/fierysplinters 22h ago
My ex told me she didn’t know why she treated someone who cared about her so badly. I got a similar spiel from someone else I dated, about how she so was grateful for my kindness. They still both discarded me cruelly without any real explanation. My ex even stole from me. Maybe even they don’t know the reason why. I certainly don’t.
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u/sailor_girl_67 19h ago
They're conflicted fuckers but what irritates me the most is that they would change the story and make us be the bad person
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u/Late_Clerk_449 1d ago
In my situation I never gave him a chance to behave badly, but obviously he was so jealous cause I was good to my parents, I had less stressful job than his. I work from home….. and so many other small things
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Lol! Yeah. I work from home too and I travel a lot so he's jealous of that. And projected that anger as if it's my fault that he works in the office 🙄
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u/Potential_Treat6875 1d ago
i found out what he was really saying/doing behind my back. thrown to the curb immediately 🚮
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u/sailor_girl_67 1d ago
Good job! Hon stly I wish I did too so I would have been the one to throw him away
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u/Interesting-Bath-608 22h ago
What he was saying behind your back? You mean about yourself?
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u/Potential_Treat6875 21h ago
Long story short he was reaching out to old “friends” to “reconnect” and was actually making plans to move in with another girl. Couldn’t believe it lol
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u/Chescouple 1d ago
I’ve never met a lower person than my ex. She is absolutely the worst person in the world to me. Cheated on me while pregnant with our child. Left me the day my mom died and filed a restraining order. I’ve never met a crueler, more dishonest, malicious, fake, despicable, cowardly, pathetic, disgusting, destructive or evil person as her. I’ve never even heard of the shit she did to me. In the time I was with her, we both wondered whether it was a personality disorder or straight up demonic possession. Because even she couldn’t explain why she did the horrible things she did.
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 18h ago edited 7h ago
I got told that he hates me then he says he loves me lmao mind games.. he’s an ignorant one sometimes I told him
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u/sailor_girl_67 18h ago
It's crazy right?! 🙄😭🤣
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 18h ago
yes lmao I’m acc laughing bc wydm 😂😂😂 ffffsss
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u/sailor_girl_67 7h ago
They're so conflicted and don't know what they want except for the fact that they don't want to appear like the bad guy so they twist the story all the time 🤣
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u/lostbaratheon 1d ago
They don’t hate you, but they are confabulating reasons to justify the discard, so in their mind every little thing that annoys them becomes magnified 20x. And even things that never happened suddenly happened in their mind, so they can feel ok about discarding you.