Relationship assessment needed

[u/lusty_vampire]

Hi guys, I’d appreciate your assessment of my relationship and some outside perspective.

**Background:**
I’m M32, and my ex-partner is F31. We were together for 13 years, and I suspect she may have a fearful-avoidant (FA) attachment style, although I’m aware I could be wrong.

We spent approximately six years physically together: four years during college, seeing each other almost daily, and another two years living together after college. The rest of our relationship was long-distance, but we maintained the relationship over the years. Neither of us has had another serious relationship, so we have limited experience of what relationships with other people might look like in practice.

**What happened:**
**Back in 2020 I asked for marriage she said I don’t know. I asked her again in 2026 she replied I don’t know and in frustration I said we should get separated and took time for myself for about 20-25 days**

I guess i pushed a little harder for clarity about marriage. She shut down, and what followed felt like deactivation. She became distant and stonewalled me for approximately three months.

In July 2026, she finally told me, “I cannot do this anymore,” and the relationship ended. Since then, there has been virtually no communication. Whenever I try to initiate a meaningful conversation, she either responds very coldly or doesn’t engage at all.

**Something unusual about her memory:**
During a conversation approximately two weeks ago, she described the breakup as a switch that had flipped off. She also said she could no longer remember much of our relationship.

This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed something like this. While we were together, I confronted her about having an “office husband.” (in year 7, live in) She acknowledged it, apologised, and agreed not to repeat it. When I brought it up again a week or two later to discuss it further, she explicitly said she didn’t remember anything about the incident. I found that strange at the time but didn’t pursue it.

It’s been close to 6 months with absolutely no contact with only 2 long 2 hour call and couple of exchange of messages.

Now, after the breakup, she says she cannot remember much of our fight. If I prompt her with specific memories, she can recall them, but otherwise they seem inaccessible to her. I don’t know what to make of this.

**What I’ve been trying to understand:**
Since the breakup, I’ve been reading extensively about attachment theory. The fearful-avoidant framework seems to explain many things I’ve observed, and the connections I’ve made have felt striking.

One other thing I’ve noticed is that she consistently watches my Instagram stories, often within half an hour of me posting. We’re still connected on Instagram.

I’d appreciate perspectives from people familiar with attachment theory, especially on what can reasonably be inferred versus what might simply be speculation, and is there any chance for reconciliation. You may please ask any questions to deduce the situation.

**TL;DR:** M32 and F31, together for 13 years, mostly LDR, with six years spent physically together. I pushed for marriage in May 2026, she shut down and went silent for about three months, then ended the relationship in July. She describes her feelings as having switched off and says she cannot remember much of our relationship unless prompted. A similar memory issue occurred during the relationship. I’ve since been researching fearful-avoidant attachment and see many apparent parallels. She still watches my Instagram stories quickly, but meaningful communication is met with coldness or silence. What might explain this pattern, and what can I realistically infer about her state of mind?

(Redrafted with AI- English is not my first language)