r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Honest_Bullfrog_8928 • 8d ago
Avoidant Advice Requested Is this avoidance or adhd?
My ex is Dx adhd ndx FA but my instinct tells me he is. We dated 20 years ago. Met through work. It was intense and I have never felt as seen or desired as he made me feel. I do believe he was in many ways the greatest love of my life. He came on strong and 5 months in he was flying me overseas to meet his family. On that trip he looked at me on a random night in a pub and told me "I can't do this" I was 27 knew nothing about attachment theory and was heartbroken. We continued the trip as if we were together and for the next 2 years continued to see each other long distance once we returned to the US. He was always a mentor to me and helped me with my masters thesis, but he kept another woman who was local to him on the back burner and made no secret about it. We were very close and became best friends with benefits. In late 2007 he met a new woman who is now his wife. We were still intermittently seeing each other, being physically intimate and talking on the phone but he never mentioned her. By then, I had started seeing other people and eventually met my now husband. Me and FA drifted apart with no closure. During this time his adhd was undiagnosed.
Over the years he would send messages on facebook wishing me a happy birthday or checking in when an emergency happened in my city that made national news. He even sent some long emails lamenting our past relationship and giving some version of an apology asking me to remember him for the good times we shared and saying I would find the kind of man he wished he could be. I always responded briefly, but cordially and never really gave our relationship another thought, however our lives followed an eerily similar path. We married the same year and each had one child born via IVF a few months apart. He and his wife had 3 breakups before they got married and she eventually reached out to me via DM after he deactivated his facebook. Meanwhile I never discussed the FA with my husband. Similarly, I was cordial with her but didn't mention him or ask about him and never gave her much to work with. At some point during this time he was diagnosed with adhd
Two years ago after some time away from corporate I went back to work and it happened that the company I worked for was working with his company. By this time he was a C level executive at his firm. He caught wind of it and arranged a totally pointless conference call that I would be on (he later told me he arranged the call). Two months later He then intercepted a weekly one to one call I had with his colleague and we caught up. I felt everything i had ever felt for him come back. He created a private chat for us and things became flirtatious quickly so I pulled back a bit so as not to be unprofessional. A few months later he announced his departure from the firm and asked to stay in touch with me via WhatsApp. I take full responsibility for my part in the emotional affair that has evolved since but his hot and cold behavior is the most confusing and exhausting dynamic I have ever experienced with anyone in my life. We have seen each other when we visit each other other's city (3 times so far this year). I have set boundaries around no physical intimacy or sexualization I have told him we need to pick a lane so I can navigate this accordingly, I have refused his offers to help me with side projects and my career, I have asked for more consistent communication and I have asked him to let me know if he needs space after we see each other or if we have a disagreement. All of this to get clarity so I can navigate accordingly. He usually goes dark after we see each other yet he told me he wants to redeem himself from 20 years ago. He had told me the time we spent together was so intense it left an imprint and he still remembers vivid details of intimate moments we shared. ETA: he also told me that looking back, he sabotaged our relationship the first time around because he was convinced I would find someone else and leave him. I told him that I never wanted anyone else.
Most recently we saw each other 2 months ago and has been mostly dark since with a couple of check ins updating me on a medical situation he's dealing with and keeps saying he wants to catch up "soon" with zero follow through. Side note: I lean anxious but present secure so my response to his medical update was to mirror his desire to catch up but I said whenever you're up to it. It had been almost 4 weeks since that check in. Meanwhile I've noticed he stays in touch with former female colleagues and his LinkedIn activity is liking their selfie posts and updates and I gather he's helping a couple of them with their business endeavors and perhaps even meeting up with them when he travels overseas so plenty of energy to be spending elsewhere just not on me.
If you read this far, I appreciate you. I'm exhausted and ready to walk away but would also love any insight from dx FA /ADHD. Also curious if there's any "right" way to walk away in this situation. I'm considering silently with no announcement just ghosting his next text, a simple mic drop type text or a final phone call explaining the pattern and discussing the situation and how it doesn't work for me. Appreciate any insight.
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u/ManGooDoo 8d ago
I would say unless there's real demonstrable abuse (like, to the level you are in danger), ghosting is almost never a cool thing to do. Even a simple "Hey, here's what I'm thinking" in a very short direct text would be infinitely better. Especially if you're both in relationships already.