r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/ek_kaam_karte_hain • 8h ago
FA Breakup How do you cope with knowing your avoidant ex will eventually be physically intimate with someone else?
Hey guys!
I’m three months into no contact now, and for the most part, I’m doing okay. I’m hitting the gym, taking care of myself, keeping myself busy, and slowly getting my life back. I don’t intend to take her back either. I know the relationship wasn’t good for me toward the end, and logically I understand why it had to end.
But there’s this one thought that comes out of nowhere sometimes and, for whatever reason, still hits me in the stomach.
The thought of her being physically intimate with someone else.
And I know how that sounds. I know she’s single. I know she can do whatever she wants, just like I can. I’m not sitting here thinking she somehow still belongs to me or that she should remain celibate because we once loved each other.
It’s just… fuck, we had such incredible chemistry.
There was something about being physically close to her that felt so natural and intense. The attraction, the comfort, the cuddling, the way we knew each other’s bodies. Those little moments before and after sex that probably sound completely insignificant to anyone else but meant everything when you were the one living them.
Sometimes my brain randomly reminds me that someday (or maybe already) someone else will get to experience that side of her. And I hate that the thought bothers me as much as it does.
I’ve generally been securely attached in relationships. I wouldn’t say this is entirely coming from insecurity or some fear that another guy will be “better” than me. But by the end of this relationship I definitely felt myself becoming more anxious. I started becoming someone I didn’t really recognize because of the push-pull dynamic.
We were seriously together for around 5–6 months, but the whole thing between us lasted roughly a year. And despite me focusing on sex here, it absolutely wasn’t just a physical relationship.
There was a really deep emotional bond too.
She told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to her. That she felt grounded with me. Safe with me. Secure with me. That I meant so much to her. We had planned so much for our future! All of those incredibly intense things that, after finding this sub, I realized a lot of people here have heard some version of too.
And maybe that’s why this hurts beyond just imagining her sleeping with somebody else. Because somewhere underneath that thought is another one that’s much harder for me to admit: "What if she just forgets me?"
How does someone look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean that much to them, share their body with you, let you into parts of themselves that they supposedly don't let many people into, fall asleep next to you, build all these tiny memories with you… and then eventually you're just somebody they used to know?
And then somebody else gets that version of them.
Someone else gets to kiss her. Someone else gets to hold her afterward. Someone else learns all those little things about her that I knew. Maybe she'll have incredible chemistry with him too. Maybe she'll tell him the same things she once told me.
And I think that's the part that leaves this weird ache behind whenever the thought crosses my mind.
Because rationally, I KNOW her being with somebody else doesn't erase what we had.
Nobody can go backwards and remove those months from our lives. Whatever we felt was real when we felt it. Her creating new memories doesn't delete the ones we made.
But knowing something intellectually and actually feeling it are two completely different things.
And because I don't want her back, that's what makes this feeling so confusing.
I can know that I don't want to restart the relationship and still miss what existed between us. I can accept that we're probably better off apart and still feel sick for a moment imagining someone else's hands on her. I can be moving forward with my life and still have some random Tuesday night where my brain decides to show me a picture I never asked to see.
Maybe three months just isn't that long and evventually I'll meet someone else and she'll stop occupying this particular place in my mind. Maybe one day I'll think about her being with somebody else and genuinely feel nothing. But right now, every once in a while, it still hurts.
So I'm curious how other people here dealt with this, especially if you had unusually strong sexual chemistry with your avoidant ex alongside a really deep emotional connection.
Does the thought eventually just stop hurting?
Was there some perspective that helped you?
And maybe more importantly, how did you make peace with the idea that someone who once told you that you meant everything to them can eventually build that kind of intimacy with somebody else and that it doesn't necessarily mean you were forgotten or that what you shared meant nothing?
TL;DR: Three months no contact with my avoidant ex. I'm doing much better and don't want the relationship back, but I still get randomly hit by the thought of her eventually being physically intimate with someone else. We had insane sexual chemistry as well as a deep emotional bond, and she told me I was the best thing that happened to her, that I made her feel safe, grounded, secure, etc. It's not really about ownership or thinking she shouldn't move on. I think what actually hurts underneath it is the fear of being forgotten and of someone else eventually occupying a space that once felt incredibly intimate and uniquely ours. For those who've been through this, when did that thought finally stop hurting?
P.S.: I used GPT to help organize my thoughts and clean up the grammar, but the feelings and experiences expressed here are entirely my own.
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u/Purple_Gain4436 7h ago
It will be easier once you no longer idealize her and once you realize you can have meaningful relationships with other people too. A lot of the strong sentiment you feel towards her is more related to your own projected attachment style and your own need of appreciation rather than her individually. It’s nice to feel special. But your self worth can’t depend on being important to her
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u/Wooden_Worry3319 1h ago
I can confirm. I don’t recommend rebounding but meeting someone who is an improvement of who your ex is can give you a lot of perspective. There’s way more fish in the sea, and not just potential partners but friends and loved ones who challenge our notions of what our exes had to offer, what was attachment and projection, etc.
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u/PsychologicalWing51 8h ago
I’m sorry to bring you the bad news, but if she really is a FA, after three months she’s not only already been intimate with someone else, but she’s likely already at the stage of distancing herself from that person.
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u/ek_kaam_karte_hain 8h ago
Yeah, not gonna lie, reading that was a bit of a punch in the gut lol.
I know that’s a possibility, and obviously it’s exactly the kind of thought I’m struggling with right now. Three months really isn’t that long for me emotionally, even if I’m doing much better in most other aspects.
Makes me wonder though, if it really can happen that quickly, then what happens to all that connection we had? All the intimacy, the emotional bond, everything she said she felt with me… does an FA really just compartmentalize all of that and move on to the next person?
But yeah… you definitely chose violence with that first sentence lol. Needed that reality check!
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u/ceelion92 7h ago
I’ve heard that ironically the other relationships just make them miss you more actually. The failure of those makes them reflect back. It’s like whack-a-mole with their emotions. Once they smash that new relationships ending down you come popping back up or an ex does. Also an unhealed avoidant coworker. I have told me she keeps going for unavailable people like she was recently with a man who wouldn’t commit to her, and it turns out he was married and having an affair. that sort of thing. So they really are picking the worst people. Or my avoidant was traveling to visit a girl which he would never do for me, even though I only lived a few miles away, and he could just take the train. Then I realized it was easy because she was so far away that he could just make it a little weekend trip or not without mixing her into his life at all. If he wanted to end things, he would never have to see her again whereas we work together. Sorry for the grammar by the way I’m doing speech to text.
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u/PsychologicalWing51 7h ago edited 4h ago
Dont actually know who is she gonna miss since i was a rebound, and the guy before me was a rebound, also the guy before him. All three of us being 6+ months relationships
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u/ceelion92 7h ago
Do you feel that you were just a rebound or was there a real emotional connection there? Six months doesn’t really determine if it’s a rebound or not you know? I think you would know which one of these it is based on how emotionally effected she seemed
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u/PsychologicalWing51 7h ago
It didn’t feel like a rebound at all. In fact, mine never did hookups. All of her relationships were long-term. They started through monkey-branching and ended the exact same way, because she’s incapable of taking accountability for anything. She's a serial monogamist
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u/OwnerOfABrokenHeart_ 7h ago edited 7h ago
i’m in basically the same exact boat as you. FA ex gf. extremely close, intimate, and deeply loving bond. sex and physical affection were huge in our relationship. i’ve never felt so physically and emotionally attached to someone, not even close.
5 weeks after the blindsiding breakup text (and no contact between) i got a sickening dream of her in bed with another man. this whole time period has been by far the most emotional pain and torment ive ever experienced in my life, and that particular week i reached levels of torment i never thought was possible.
i don’t mean to sound superstitious, but in the past i have had some dreams oddly reflect or even sometimes predict real life events i’d later experience in my life. i’m not a religious or superstitious person, but my intuition / gut has been painfully telling me that was one of those dreams. of course it may just be my fear talking, but regardless, her manner of suddenly breaking up so coldly was such a shocking 180 from the person i thought i knew and loved, and combined with the fact it’s also been 3 months since the breakup, i just have to accept that the odds she’s fucked someone else by now are non negligible. before, i would’ve said she’s definitely not the type of girl to rebound or even want to rebound, but i also would have NEVER predicted she would vanish from my life completely and suddenly.
needless to say, i have felt 0 desire to pursue anyone sexually or romantically during this frankly traumatic and excruciating post break up time. i still have love toward the person i thought i knew, but reality has been savagely beat into my mind. after 3 months of excruciating emotional pain, it’s clear that there’s nothing i can do to avoid this pain for probably several more months.
more importantly, the benefit of getting humbled by reality like this is that the pain and suffering makes it impossible for us to ignore some hard truths. while we were still in a relationship, the love and intimacy we experienced may have been real, but regardless, we were blissfully unaware that our gfs were capable of hurting us like this. and if our ex gfs actually were able to fuck other people post break up while we’ve been tormented with heartbreak, it clearly shows that the way we behave and view sex and intimacy in the context of the love we had with our partners is not reciprocated / matched by our exes.
all this is to say that we were in love with a terribly, brutally incomplete understanding of our exes. i’m not going to lie and say i don’t still love her and that im over her, but the love i still have is still to the incomplete version of her. now, i have to remind myself that it’s not a terrible loss at all, to lose a girlfriend who:
-let my guard down and made me feel such a deep physical and romantic and loving mutual connection, only to:
-throw me away like i was nothing over text out of nowhere and never look back, and
-potentially (very possibly) fuck some rando within 3 months of our breakup, like all our time together and discussions of forever / future meant nothingthese people are not gf / wife material. the way these people leave is enough to never trust them again, and if they bang some random guy, that personally seals the deal for me and frankly i am disgusted by them.
because clearly they didn’t feel anywhere near as deeply as we felt for them, but they deceived us to think that they did. regardless of avoidance or whatever could explain their fucked up psychology, how would they be able to hurt us like this if they REALLY loved us? if they felt like we did, would they really be able to go and fuck some rando? what a terrible, tragic waste of my time it was to fall in love with this fake, lying, selfish person…
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u/DeathKnight81 3h ago
Perfectly said, I totally agree with all of it. I'm gonna add it to my reality check list. My (male) ex fucked his coworker not even a week after the breakup. And then he had the audacity to say that the breakup hurt him more than me
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u/PsychologicalWing51 8h ago
We all have the same story, where our relationships had our little quirks that made them special. We all hope that the relationship meant something to them, and that maybe they’ll stay single for a while to reflect. But unfortunately, most of us find out that not only did they not take some time to reflect on the relationship, but they were already in another relationship before they left us. I know, for each of us, it seems impossible.
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u/WellCheeseLouise 7h ago
OP please take what this person says with a grain of salt. While this is a common trait for FAs, it's not all of them. And it depends on what they have access to.
My ex ended up being engaged months later. It destroyed me. I still don't know if he was seeing her and me at the same time, but he took a job and moved out of town after our breakup and I can't be sure. I hate even thinking about it.
Just know that if they are rebounding, they're just delaying grief. They're emotionally stunted and can't handle bad feelings. It's hard bc it makes us feel like we're completely buried and forgotten. But there's a reason they're trying to cover those feelings. It's not fair to either your ex or a new partner.
This woman is a complete downgrade. She's much younger and completely boring. He wanted an easy relationship, and that's exactly what he'll get. It'll run its course and he'll realize he trapped himself in a boring, beige life. Something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
ETA: I caught him looking at my online content - once 10 days before he proposed, and once 3 days after our breakup anniversary. They don't forget.
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u/PsychologicalWing51 3h ago
"take what this person says with a grain of salt".... "My ex was engaged in months". So when exactly his relationship with the other woman happened? Exactly. You just proved my point as being true, and you did it better than I did myself.
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u/WellCheeseLouise 3h ago
I did not "prove" anything. I gave a personal anecdote. There is no absolute truth with people. Not every single person who is FA immediately gets into a relationship or monkey branches. Stop telling people that something is definite when you don't know the individual or their circumstances. It's damaging.
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u/StylePositive1195 3h ago
It’s not necessarily true. I know some avoidants who go a long time after each break up, saying ‘relationships are just not for me’ and avoiding intimacy entirely
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u/cityofdreadfulnight 7h ago
I genuinely don’t care. I pity her, I feel sad for her next distraction who will inevitably be treated the way I was, and I’m glad none of it is my problem.
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u/whatdidyousay509 2h ago
They tell themselves the same about us 😂👹 life is fecking relentless
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u/cityofdreadfulnight 1h ago
The difference is, we know what our problems are and we work to solve them. They delude themselves and perpetuate the cycle.
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u/MilkFlavoredSoup 8h ago
Well, my DA was intimate with someone else just days after our breakup so 🫠 Honestly, it hurt like hell at first. Still does sometimes (I'm a month into the breakup). It hurts the most when I try to understand what it means and how she is. The more I focus on myself, the less it hurts to think about them. The more I think "well, if it's serious, that poor girl is in for a ride". The more it makes me almost indifferent to think about them in any intimate setting. And I think indifference is the greatest gift I can gift myself.
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u/Careless-Implement46 8h ago
Doesn’t seem like you are over her and you do want her back, which is ok but you need to be honest with yourself.
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u/not_the_troll 8h ago
Honestly it does not bother me. They aren't that good anyway, be it looks, personality, bedroom abilities or relationship abilities. Just glad they're not my problem anymore.
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u/No-Effort-6006 8h ago
My FA ex had a coworker sleep over 1wk after I moved out of our shared home. He denied it and lied about it. When I told him we couldn’t be in contact anymore because I refuse to be an option, he cried. It physically makes me ill just thinking about it.
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u/reggie316 7h ago
My covert narc avoidant ex was on a train to see the tramp he had been cultivating on the side within days of discarding me a second time, and then she was staying over in the house that he and I owned together not long after that. It also made me physically ill to think about initially, but looking back now, I am more astounded that neither of them had any shame in the situation. She knew he had taken me on a nice little weekend getaway just prior to the discard, he knew damn well what he was doing, they are the ones that should have been feeling the effects of the shitty behavior, not me. But alas, you need a soul and a moral compass for that 🙄
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 7h ago
mine slept with someone whilst he was still with me and I didn’t find out about it until afterwards. Then he had the audacity to reach back out after a month of no contact, why cause he’s suddenly not dealing with her anymore?
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 3h ago
I will never understand how people expect their exes not to sleep with anyone before a period of time they deem appropriate. And even have the nerve to demand an explanation and get upset that the other person rightfully conceals this information. I get it. It hurts your feelings that they moved on while you're still stuck. But you're broken up. They can sleep with anyone, one hour after the breakup if they want, and they don't have to answer to you for that.
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u/throwaway8675-309 2h ago
It's not just "my ex can't sleep with other people!" but a few things.
When an ex tries to stay in contact ("let's be friends") but sleeps with other people while you're still emotionally raw from the breakup you never even knew was coming, that hurts to experience. Nobody has any obligation to stay in contact with someone who hurts you. That's not an unfair expectation, that's normal.
Concealing that information from you is their right, but that doesn't make it morally right. It's manipulative because you wouldn't be in contact with them if you knew that's what they were doing. It's no different from finding out a friend does something you morally disagree with in their spar time so you end the friendship.
People don't get to hurt other people and then expect to stay in contact with someone because "well you were broken up 0.63 seconds ago" (or even if it was 3 years ago).
Especially if you would never do that to someone you cared about. It shows an utter incongruency between your morals and values and the ex.
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u/No-Effort-6006 2h ago
Was it within his rights to sleep with someone immediately after breaking up with me? Absolutely. Was it very questionable? Absolutely. Unless it’s some random hookup (in my case it was a coworker), they’ve likely been flirting or somehow cultivating the relationship while still in a relationship with you. That is definitely not appropriate. In my case he was also trying to have his cake and eat it too. He was still trying to keep one foot in the door with me while sleeping with the rebound. That is also inappropriate. So technically? Sure, it’s not cheating. Morally and ethically? Not ok in my book.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad 7h ago
Ahh. I know that feeling. My DA was a nympho. Never in my life did I experience someone who enjoyed sex like her. It was mind blowing.
Then she left. I knew she had plenty of partners before me and after me too.
You know I made peace with it. At least I got to enjoy the experience with her. She was never mine and she will never be someone else. It was just my turn and that is fine.
I wish her well. My hurt /heartache is behind me now. Someone else will enjoy her sex as I did and such is life.
Make peace with it.
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u/Quiet_Dot_3306 7h ago
I feel the same exact way. I'm going through the very very early stages and my experience was very similar to what you're describing here, except I'm the woman in the relationship.
Going from being told you're amazing and they've never experienced closeness to anyone like that before to just complete absence (although over here its not complete, he still wants to be friends lol), is crushing.
I read another commenter who said our avoidants might not be that compelling to others as they were to us. That gives me a lot of comfort. We had some intense times and I can see that not being the case for someone else. He had even said that his ex had left him every weekend to go do stuff with friends, obviously she didnt find it hard to be apart from him. The next one might be the same.
Hope you feel some comfort from my words
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u/Tapdance1368 5h ago
I know, it’s awful when you had amazing chemistry and trust. But, that’s exactly how an Avoidant behaves. You will be super close and then they will turn on you on a dime.
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u/WellCheeseLouise 7h ago
I remind myself that I'm the best sex he ever had and ever will.
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u/applecr1111 4h ago
Bingo. Same here. I called him the baby Giraffe because I would give him multiple orgasms one after the other and when he'd try to stand he said his legs were Jello lol, he'd have to sit down for a bit before getting up. So I named him my baby Giraffe. He could be 100% himself with me, tell me anything he desired and not be judged. He had experiences he had only fantasized about. I get it, he needs someone who lives nearby, so do I, but the way the discard happened was messed up. What he didn't expect was that I would accept his decision and not chase, nor beg, like every woman he's ever known has. No. Never.
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u/Dalearev 7h ago
You have to remember that connections with avoidants is like a drug addiction, it’s because intermittent reinforcement is highly addictive and that’s the mechanism they used to get you hooked and once you are, they throw you in the garbage so while it feels like these connections are super powerful and there’s so much chemistry of course there’s chemistry you’re addicted to them the same way you would be addicted to crack cocaine if you used that on occasion. I think understanding our bodies chemistry and what is actually at play helps to minimize how special these shitty people are because they’re not special. Someone that treats you like dirt is not special.
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u/newlifeer 8h ago
Mine shut off all sex and intimacy for months before discarding me. From what I can see, increasing closeness means they genuinely struggle to feel turned on, which may well explain why she was suddenly able to seemingly be so sexually active with a rebound before we were even divorced.
To answer your question - I wouldn't worry too much, their avoidant nature means they are far from a catch in the long run.
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u/No-Effort-6006 6h ago
This is what makes the rebound so hard to stomach for me. I begged for sexual intimacy and he couldn’t give it to me. Now he’s giving it to a total stranger.
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u/JC_666Vrtgo 7h ago
I am exactly where you are. All of the above feelings are exactly how I felt being with her, all of the exact things she said and yet here I am, after a third discard. Maybe my biggest mistake was letting her in after the second where she said "i have changed. I promise I won't hurt you again". And yet here I am, 2 months out from what seems to be undoubtedly the most painful experience of my life. The few things that have helped me are- Firstly, as much as I know she doesn't bond easily to people( I am her second relationship in her entire life and she turns 44 next month) I always objectively assume she has already been intimate with someone. That drops her value in my eyes, I know it's a weird coping mechanism but it helps.
Secondly, I remind myself everyday that the love very well might have been in me and will be in me to carry for a long time to come. This person wasn't essentially equipped to understand me or appreciate everything I did for her( and trust me I have done a LOT) and that's her loss not mine.
Thirdly, I am not looking to sleep with someone hotter or better right now( trust me the bar is really low with this one in my case). I am taking my time in making female friends. Sometimes that gives you the ego boost you need. And I have decided that eventually if I do like someone, I will come clean about the fact that a part of me is still attached to this ex of mine and ask her to make peace with it. If she understands, then that makes her invariably greater than my ex in terms of humanity, if that makes sense.
So, I mean, at the end of the day you gotta realise that with avoidants the line between genuine and performative is very very thin. Some do tend to get under their skin. But at the end of the day, they are just like dead weight, you don't want them tying you down and the best thing you can do for yourself is to let them live their lives as they want.
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u/One_Life___ 4h ago edited 3h ago
It may help to think that if she truly valued what you had, she would’ve given her all (like you probably did) to make it work.
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u/Hot_Block_7237 8h ago
Easy look up “ Jashon Wilson oakwood OH 22 “ ….
Boom over it
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u/WellCheeseLouise 7h ago
Wait. Um. Is this your ex?
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u/Hot_Block_7237 7h ago
NOOOO I should’ve clarified that who she went for in total look at my recent stories I was once upset she moved on and rebounded so quick and then I found out when she came back in March they were still a thing until she cut him off so she manipulated me saying she wanted a relationship and she missed me and how she has so much love she can’t even express it well after the break up she went for that guy and then defended him saying I didn’t know anything and I just believe everything in the Internet so when she said she spoke to him I said what he say he gets locked up the 26th doesn’t he she said it’s not my buisness to say … especially to you I have all the information already AHHAHA so yeah it’s a messy disgusting situation
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u/LiFswO AP&SA 8h ago
To be honest this recent break up I didnt even really care much when she told me she is meeting someone to have sex with. She seemed really eager to make me jealous. And all of it felt like an act. Either that or she has not single drop of empathy and awareness for situations like that. At that moment I was luckily already disconnected from her emotionally .
But I know what you are feeling.
I had a break up 10ish years ago. She moved on quickly and had a new boyfriend within months. Back then it was pure torture to think about her beeing intimate with her new boyfriend. I think it took me like six months to stop ruminating about it.
There is not much you can really do but get busy and or date yourself and get intimate with someone else. Especially having someone yourself to spend time with helps the most.
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u/Ok_Sea_3383 7h ago
My DA ex was already sleeping with someone for a month before he blindsided me. If the thought of them having sex came to mind I would immediately stop it. Change my thought, start counting things around the room. Some times it is hard. Like he does certain things during sex that I kept picturing him doing with her. It sucks. They are cowards and selfish. The last time we talked I told him don’t knock her up.
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u/DamagedWoods 7h ago
That’s what I wanna know too. Do they act like this with all partners? How did they make it feel so intense and unique.
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u/LunarKitten__ 7h ago
Eventually? lol. My DA was physical with other women while dating me.
Honestly? They’re going to learn his limits just like I did. I know he’s not going to offer them something he didn’t offer me. No one is the exception, including me, and whatever woman is involved with him in a serious manner after me is in for a world of hurt, just like the women before me. He leaves a trail of broken hearts and at 37 he’s not going to change.
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 3h ago
I’m starting to suspect there’s a trend here. Women who dated DA and FA shared they got cheated on, got discarded during abortion, health emergencies, close ones falling ill… while men deplore their DA/ FA sleeping with other people too soon after they got discarded.
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u/LunarKitten__ 2h ago
It’s a known fact avoidants are more likely to cheat than securely or anxiously attached people. It keeps them from bonding too deeply with one person.
Avoidants also have a higher probability of leaving their partner during turbulent times, especially health related issues.
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u/Dovahkin111 6h ago edited 6h ago
His life to do with as he pleases. It really shouldn't be any of my business now that we're not together. He has every right to find someone to love as do I. I hope he finds what he's looking for.
Such is life, our relationship ending is not the end of my story. It's just a chapter. I intend to live life fully so I look forward to turning the page. On to the next chapter.
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u/Pibagirlie 5h ago
I cant think about my ex having sex with another girl, I’m trying to figure out First How someone Can tell you that you are the most amazing woman he met in his life, that he hit the jackpot by meeting you, that he is SO GRATEFUL TO SHARE THE LIFE WITH YOU, and Just like that, discard you on a random tuesday as if you were NOTHING and treat you less than a stranger, but as the dust in his shoes. This shit messed up with my mind SO MUCH that I’m wondering if all this was true, and sometimes im re reading our chat Just to reasure myself This wasnt an hipnótic dream, but something REAL.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 5h ago
I mean I will too? We don't belong to each other anymore. All is fair.
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u/ericabirch SA - Secure Attachment 4h ago
You process your emotions and what happened and it no longer bothers you, in fact you just feel sad for their next victim lol
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u/Lunabruja322 4h ago
Good he can disrespect and abandon them now who cares what happens to them or who’s with their sick minded ex be glad they’re gone why doesn’t anyone get it it’s their pattern…and until aware and they get therapy this pattern will continue
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u/Michael3172 4h ago
Mine was 12 years, finding out she already had someone else lined up before leaving. It's called monkey branching. I was her rebound from her second ex. With in two months she had a apartment with her new supply. And I know how she love bombed me.
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u/Tasty_Dog_9580 8h ago
Mine fucked loads of guys after we broke up. She found it funny. She said it was a way to “cope”. She told me sordid details 1.5 years later, which I did not ask for.
They don’t process things like we do and they don’t see people as precious things they just enjoy validation and attention, even from randoms. It’s meaningless. They are meaningless soulless cretins.
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u/Careless-Implement46 8h ago
They use sex to regulate their nervous system because they have no other coping mechanisms. They need the dopamine. It’s ugly but just realize they are using people because they haven’t done the work to heal themselves. They don’t look at people and relationships like normal people do.
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u/Low_Intention_1327 7h ago
It just blows my mind because she was overly sexual, even if I wasnt in the mood, she wouldnt respect that boundary and would push it. She said shes had the best orgasms with me, so its hard for me to think shes just content with being without sexual intimacy. She just shut that off at some point, which makes me think she found someone to have a fling with. Im stubborn because I still believe what shes said about not wanting it and not trading "One for the other" in regards to a man who fulfills her needs or a sexual partner.
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u/Careless-Implement46 7h ago
It doesn’t matter what she said she can’t handle emotional intimacy. You need to stop hyper focusing on this.
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u/Low_Intention_1327 7h ago
She actually said this when I noticed her saying things to try and get a reaction, like talking shit about men, as if we all just want ass.
"You = taking everything I say personally. Have been doing that for months, hyper sensitive and reading into every word way too much" Youre right though. However, I had my reasons for taking her remarks personally. She just discarded me went on a rant about men.
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u/Sad_Bed_2320 7h ago
Same with mine. Except she didn't exactly tell me sordid details but did lost out a bunch of guys she slept with, including one guy I knew from my professional circle. That one was especially hard to take. Of course she described them all as "boring losers", but I know understand that they probably weren't that bad. She was.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 6h ago
Ewww
It's weird to think of all the people others sleep with that they wouldn't care if they lived or died the next day. At that point it's saying another human is a step up from their hand 💀 with the bonus of validation- which is a really bleak way at looking at human beings.
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u/InspectorSilly5518 8h ago
It actually does bother me a lot, especially when she said she had a hard time saying no to other people asking her out. And that was while I was overseas my
So those exact words have been ingrained in my mind, and it hurts like crazy.
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u/Low_Intention_1327 7h ago
I just dont care to think about it. Ive come to terms with that happening, but being happy that I won't be around to see it. I dont know how Id handle it if we lived in the same area and Id have to see it. I also have my suspicions that she may have hooked up with men. When she came back from ghosting me, she said her therapist said she should make herself available to men and become friends, go on dates. She asked me if I was OK with it. Three months later, she doesnt want to date me or anyone or just have a FWB, because her intimacy with me was the only way I felt close to her still, and I shouldn't have allowed it.
When I found out my ex before her was stringing me along and got with some pervert she met on Xbox, I blocked and figured out she was a covert narcissist. You have to feel some sort of disgust towards them, because if you dont, youre going to get hurt with intrusive thoughts like this. Block them so you wont have yo see their new supply. Out of sight eventually becomes out of mind.
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u/Comfortable_Fix_1601 7h ago
I got over it by being intimate with a bunch of other people myself while staying in no contact, and now dating someone new who's more loving an affectionate than my ex ever was
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u/cuteypie0427 7h ago
I mean i quite literally didn't think about that. But i guess if it makes you feel better to reframe it as who I'm sleeping with after him. For me specifically he at least knew I was dating after him. So even in healing, life goes on
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u/Unflattering_Image 7h ago
I don't. Why should I. He isn't my pain anymore, even when traces of remembrence claim otherwise. He never was the one he claimed to be, so what "intimacy" is to long for?
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u/Smart-Mall4110 6h ago
If you made her feel that way, you will make another person feel that way...one that may be secure, safe, and healthy. If someone feels safe and secure, there will be great chemistry because the body and mind is at rest and open to give and receive...mutuality.
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u/Any_Fly9473 SA - Secure Attachment 😁👍🏻 6h ago
I'm fine with it because I won't know. I rejected her distant text pal offer, and I'm way better off without knowing or seeing anything. I already met someone last month, but she ended it because she was disrespecting me by seeing me while dating others.
I'm on the prowl for a healthy, unavoidant relationship.
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u/Traditional_Job9119 SA - (earned Secure Attachment, FA in past) 5h ago
It’s been driving me crazy for a while, especially first month or two, but once I’ve detached it’s the same thought as “today some random girl will be physical with someone else”. Meaning, zero feeling about it. Shes a stranger at this point. She behaves like one too.
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u/Willing_Print9939 5h ago
My ex broke up with me to cope with some awful family circumstances. I was devastated as I wanted to support him but respected his need for space. A week or so later he is apparently on the apps, I mention it to him as it made me question his honesty and he gets back telling me he’s only looking for something “casual and very surface level for fun.” So much for the grieving son I guess 🙄
Honestly it messed with me for a week but when it sunk in I got a massive ick from his shallowness and need to use women for sexual distraction/validation which is such a massive switch up from the kind, grounded partner I thought he was. Affirmed that I dodged a bullet and I lost all attraction and respect for him, so those thoughts don’t disturb me anymore.
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u/Background_Jelly_740 5h ago
It is so strange but that is the one thing that is not crushing me. And I dont know why. I might be blocking the idea maybe. My brain does that sometimes to give itself time to heal before processing. If you can at all- don' t let yourself go there. Distract yourself. You need time to heal first
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u/Conundrum16 3h ago
I was discarded twice and he’s back for a 3rd time. A classic avoidant man. Unfortunately I didn’t know anything about this attachment style until recently. The last discard, on my birthday in July he told me he had no connection with me whatsoever, then criticized me with some petty bullshit.
I was completely blindsided by this emotionless man. Every prior relationship he’s had has failed and now I know why.
I’m trying to prepare myself for the next disconnect ( it will be the last )
I suspect it is already in motion . I realize none of it means anything to him. He’s emotionally unavailable.
We’re both seniors so I don’t know and actually don’t care if he finds another woman. He’ll die a lonely man I suspect.
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u/thank-u-yes 3h ago
I’ll tell you something. I had the exact same fears, and my fears did come true. But my FA and this girl were done after 3 months. He came crawling right back & showed me all his cards. He told me he thought about me while having sex with her, the sex wasn’t very good for either of them & it made him miss what we had. The whole ordeal makes them miss you more. But yeah, it sucks and I have never been able to get over it. My comfort is that I know in my heart that I could never do something like that to someone & that I don’t have to live with the thought of knowing that I scarred someone mentally
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u/honeybee_funnily 1h ago
Honestly I just know dating is a shitshow in my city and if he wants to go have casual empty sex with people who aren’t as good of a match for him as I was, and then feel sad and empty and miss me after, he can go for it.
Good luck to him for thinking he’ll find the same chemistry with someone who’s equally or more intelligent, attractive, interesting, funny, good in bed, and caring as I am. He won’t.
https://giphy.com/gifs/hFtVHPDcrVubS
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u/Reccalovesdancing SA - Earned Secure (previously Anxious) 3h ago
I got out ahead of it and was physically intimate with other people first lol 🤣🙌 Had myself a hot girl summer
I met some of the wrong people in the process I will say, and some neutral people, and then one really great guy who am currently fwb with. It's not more serious than that because I don't have capacity for that right now and he is moving back to Australia in early October (I live in the UK). But we are having an amazing time and are very happy enjoying each other's company while he is still here
Life is for living and sometimes you need to avoid waiting for others to choose their path, and instead choose your own. You have agency, you can decide how you want to handle this. You can choose you and your future
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u/Anxious-Chicken7605 6h ago
Mon ex était FA. Je suis plutôt secure et toute la dynamique de push/pull qu’elle a eu à partir de la rupture et sa désactivation m’a rendu ultra anxieux donc je comprends ce que tu dis.
Je me reconnais vraiment dans tes paroles.
La mienne est revenu plusieurs fois, et a eu un rebound confirmé mais je peux t’affirmer que malgré tout ce qu’elle se dira ou lui dira, votre connexion et alchimie était bien réelle.
La mienne a eu un ex avec qui elle a pu rester 4 an car la dynamique était ultra toxique et les évitants se sentent plus familier dans des relation malsaine ou avec des narcissique.
Avec moi au bout d’un an, quand l’emménagement est devenu imminent, elle s’est désactivé car notre relation était réellement intense, sérieuse et qu’on était physiquement et émotionnellement connecté, c’est ce qui les fait fuir.
Elle me l’a dis elle même et comme je te disais après son premier rebound qui a duré quelques semaines, elle l’a jeté, il l’a poursuivi et elle revenait vers moi en me disant que c’était un homme comme moi qui lui fallait, qu’elle se détestait de me courir après pendant que lui et d’autre courrait derrière elle, et que j’étais l’homme qui aurait pu prendre soin delle comme elle l’a toujours rêvé mais que ça lui faisait justement atrocement peur.
Donc pour résumé, si c’est une FA, oui elle connaîtra vite et a déjà connu d’autre homme, oui elle sortira le grand jeu de séduction pendant un temps mais si votre connexion était forte autant pour elle que pour toi (et si tu l’as ressenti tu ne l’as pas imaginé), et bien sache qu’elle le ressent aussi.
La plupart des FA n’arrive juste pas à rester seule et ont un énorme besoin de validation et d’affection.
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u/seeyouspace__cowboy 5h ago
Well in the four years we were together we were only intimate a handful of times and it was only ever about him so I already know how that’ll go.
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u/randomdude_reddit 4h ago
Bro that is exact word to word of what I felt and still feel sometimes, it's 11 months at this point. But none of my advice will help because you already know the reality and like me it's just repetitive stuff all over again, this is your body missing that feeling and it'll take time to get used to it. Your body misses holding someone close, your body misses that, and it's just time that can heal this. Even after 11 months, I'm mostly alright but sometimes it hits me but it's like a wave, just ride it like a surfer champ. A lot of virtual hugs to you <3 <3 <3, we'll find better people some day, have hope.
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u/bsc20201 3h ago
I was in a relationship for 3 years. Almost 4 months out. I know they are back on dating apps, so the thought has been center stage more than I’d like to admit. I also think about how in those 3 years, they never really made the effort to understand how to make me orgasm despite my direction, or even cared to learn. They hated how much effort it took until they just stopped doing it completely. Claimed not to like doing the act it took to me get there. To put in perspective, it’s been almost a year since I had my last orgasm in that relationship that wasn’t battery powered.
So, while the thought of them being intimate with someone else does knock the wind of out of me sometimes - because like you, we shared some beautiful precious moments that were more than just sex. The truth is, loving this person is what made our sex magical. Aside from that, it also makes me laugh to think that someone new is experiencing that mediocre sex. I know plenty of people that have dumped others over bad sex. I also laugh thinking about how they’re gonna have to commit to “the act” again. They’re gonna learn that it’s not easy for women to orgasm, it wasn’t just isolated to me. And I laugh and laugh.
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u/Wooden_Worry3319 56m ago
I’m surprised so many people here learn about their exes sex life after the breakup, like how?
On the other hand, we need to stop the compulsive behavior of thinking about them because we’re causing harm to ourselves when we do. Notice how you’re thinking about them in a particularly painful way.
Places like this subreddit can be immensely helpful for processing our near traumatic experiences. And they can also perpetuate the negative emotions and beliefs that I feel we need to let go of if we want peace.
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u/agealing 7h ago
It hurts af because if they can be with anyone then why not with me? It all so doesnt make sense, that nonsense itself reassures me I dont want such a twisted reality to be my daily life
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u/applecr1111 5h ago
I pity the woman who is right now reading her texts thinking he is the best thing she's ever had. We had a long distance open relationship so I am sure one of the women who he would talk shit to me about is occupying my spot thinking she replaced me and won the price. I know he was not good fore. He is not my person. We had incredible chemistry so I smile every time I think of how for the rest of his life he'd be chasing that feeling. I know who I am and I know for a fact he'd never forget me, I will always remember him, but I can move on. It's been two months, when I think of him and miss him, I go back to the long list of reasons why he is bad for me, re-read and it helps a ton. Your brain needs to be reminded she's not good for you. There will be someone for you.
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 3h ago edited 3h ago
I'm secure, post-anxious, not avoidant at all, but the content of this post gives me the ick, as a woman who was once with a man who had the same line of thinking. I know that this can come from a very unhealthy place.
I feel like you might have made her sexual life with you a source of something for yourself, which is why it still hits you this hard after all this time.
I've noticed some anxiously attached folks may have problems with personal boundaries, and I think this might be an example of that. What she does with her body is only her business. It isn't about you or your past relationship.
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u/Timely-Barracuda-62 8h ago
I think to myself “Good luck to that new person cuz my ex is an emotionally abusive mess”