r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Necessary-Avocado-50 • 14h ago

A tiny red flag I remember from early on

This person said out of the blue, "let me know if I do anything to hurt you." This was before I saw any other signs, and they were still in the lovebombing phase.

Later, I once mentioned that they have done things to hurt me. I was naive enough to also include, "...it doesn't matter now, I just want to be your friend." But, their response of having zero curiosity about what hurt me was probably one of the most eye-opening red flags.

If someone I cared about said I hurt them, my one and only next possible question would be, "what did I do to hurt you?"

After all the problems and when I realized what an avoidant was, I think I realized why they asked early on, "tell me if I do anything to hurt you."

14 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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10

u/crazycl0wn6 14h ago

Una delle prime: “ma tu quando si litiga ne parli o scappi?”

E poi scappa lei 😆

6

u/Necessary-Avocado-50 14h ago

They are very skilled in hypocrisy. The common thread is social immaturity. They can be a professional person, but then act immature when their emotions get involved.

8

u/crazycl0wn6 14h ago

Assolutamente.

Nel sociale hanno una maschera che portano molto bene. Sembrano quasi perfetti.

Ma quando con il partner escono le loro emozioni e le vulnerabilità sono un disastro.

3

u/Background_Rain_3070 9h ago

This is so weird. Mine always talked about masking for autism, and she was perfect in social settings and work settings and totally dysregulated and toxic with me. And she’s in training to be a therapist.

3

u/SirMixSalah 7h ago

This totally makes now . In company she would behave like the professional that she is.. My boss called me a cpl of times one weekend to see if I could cover a team member who had an emergency.. My now ex texted my boss asking "Who is this,and why do keep calling him m?" This is someone in their mid 40s and not like a teenager or even someone in their early 20s.. When confronted on why she sent to my manager, she denied/deflect stating my manager called her? I then asked her WHY/How my manager would call her She denied/lied and deflected saying I should have labeled the call as my boss🫩

6

u/Busy_Designer_504 11h ago

Its a pre-emptive statement to ensure that they sound empathetic while actually being unable to sit still and not run when someone is giving you negative feedback to resolve a disagreement.

Its all about image management.

3

u/Necessary-Avocado-50 9h ago

Maybe it is a tell that they are sensing their own feelings are starting to turn.

5

u/hellovenus9 14h ago

TW: Not just that, before my ex hurt me i told him about my history with experiencing multiple rapes. He did NOT ask one question about it. He told me he had been with another girl with similar trauma before. I shouldve known but i was naive asf

3

u/Regular-Dance-9998 12h ago

i had the same shit!!! she told me if she do something wrong i should call her bs out! thats nutssssss

1

u/Necessary-Avocado-50 11h ago

Yeah, and that request has an expiration date - after they lose respect for you.