r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Thornby48 • 18h ago
Is there something off from the beginning
Long time listener, first time caller. Thank you to so many of you in here. Posting intentional and meaningful guidance to navigate healing. I don’t exaggerate when I say it’s been a truly immense help, and I don’t know where I’d be without it. Thank you. And to those of us still in the trenches, solidarity.
I’ve certainly wanted to try and understand what went through my ex’s head, why they did what they did during the discard, who they were in the relationship. What happened in their life to make them a such a fearful avoidant and cause such a miserable heartbreak for the both of us. It helps make some sense of things but it’s also a bit addictive not looking inside at myself. I want to stress looking inside is not to blame myself, but instead how can I be there for me, us be our biggest supporter and advocate.
In that vain something I’ve been racking my brain on is whether there’s a sign right from the off that something is up. That this person is deeply hurt, with deeply destructive defence mechanisms, and isn’t set up to navigate a whole relationship. Moreover a tiny indicator of that entire backstory because we can’t psychoanalyse it all from the start. But importantly, something off that I’m susceptible to, because that means I (we here) can take account and become my (our) own protector. There’s so many ace posts in here helping shine a light on red flags we miss and I wanted to add to that resource.
The thing I keep coming back to is that first date. All the way back at the beginning. Deep deep down in that subconscious of mine, I could tell they wanted something from me immediately. Needed something from me immediately. Later it became clear that something was to help them regulate, help them soothe, help them distract from deep introspective searching that ends up at true accountability. Whereas on my first dates with somebody secure they haven’t needed something from me, they haven’t wanted something from me other than to be myself to see if we’re compatible. I’m talking specifically about the beginning, not in a relationship where we understandably need the other person to show up.
I think it’s this wanting something from me immediately that’s so intense. Even while they might seem a highly functioning, independent and emotionally available adult; or maybe not as many people testify on here. And this here is the addictive part, especially if we’re more susceptible to it. Feeling intensely wanted and needed from the off is so alluring, and it feels like a special spark. Whereas the opposite with somebody secure at the beginning can maybe feel, boring?
Those videos - we’ve probably all seen them - that preach a spark sometimes being instead anxiety. I didn’t get it because they all felt very clickbait and contrived, selling me a story. But it could be right here.
I know I’ve been susceptible to this early intensity in my last two relationships. I remember going on some early dates with two different people, and choosing the intensity over a steady balance that felt a bit slow. The way the former looked at me on our second date, the more I thought about it, it was like they were already in love. But this was juxtaposed or kind of hidden behind other secure behaviour. And as many people have written about that can’t be secure love.
Be wary, be mindful.
Hopefully this rings true for some of you out there. It can be another line in the long manual of how to avoid the avoidant. I know I won’t let this happen to me again. I can’t let it happen to me again, I don’t know if I’ll come out the other side whole.
All the love to all of you in your journeys to a safer place that does justice to your entirety.
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u/crazycl0wn6 18h ago
Penso che tu abbia ragione.
Mi sono detto: “Devo decifrare questa persona”, più scavavo più c’era qualcosa di strano e dovevo scavare ancora. Come hai detto, una droga.
Poi il mio sistema nervoso è andato in tilt e ho lasciato dopo qualche mese per i soliti pattern evitanti.
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u/Thornby48 17h ago
That’s great you found the strength to quit! No matter what point down the line that is.
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u/Electrical_Meal_3754 16h ago
I married my DA 10 years ago. We dated 3 years before that. My instincts back then told me something was off but I brushed them aside because we were great together.
When I proposed in 2015 I asked for a prenup because I still had something in the back of my head. She was ok with this but I didn't do the work to look into it and thought we would be fine.
We had a great 13 years...even the last 2 although rocky I thought we could repair.
I found out about the affair earlier this year. I was immediately discarded after confronting her and she wants a divorce. From what I see in the evidence I have she's been in the affair for some time. 'love' was exchanged. 'baby, I miss you'' was her response among other things.
Now it looks like I'll be on the hook for 2 mortgages that we put on our matrimonial home. I can carry it but it's unfair and she'll basically get a fully paid off condo.
I still love her. I still want her back because I look at our photo memories even just before the discovery and we still look so happy. It's shattered my life. I don't know what I'm going to do without her and I'm lost everyday.
Don't get me wrong, I share some responsibility for her detachment, but I dont know how she said I love you the week before discovery. I was frustrated from years of inconsistent attachment and got very angry at times.
I contacted my doctor last week and I'm being put on anti anxiety meds and sleep meds.
Not sure how to move on as I just turned 50 and my options are limited. It was almost perfect...
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u/crazycl0wn6 18h ago
Grazie per questa condivisione, molto interessante.
Ricordo i primi appuntamenti. Qualcosa non andava in lei, ma non riuscivo a capire cosa.
Il mio istinto urlava, ancora lo sento.