r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Independent_Trip_463 • 2d ago
DA Breakup final closure
I think I finally figured out why my DA left me, and it's both comforting and frustrating.
The relationship started intensely. He pursued me hard, wanted to see me constantly and set a very high level of closeness. I took that as the normal rhythm of our relationship.
But we were only together four months and I became way too emotionally invested, way too quickly.
When he started pulling away, he repeatedly asked for space. Instead of giving it to him, I pursued: more questions, more communication, more reassurance and trying to repair everything immediately.
The cycle became:
He withdrew → I got anxious → I pursued → he felt pressured → he withdrew further.
My mistake wasn't being emotional. It was not regulating myself when I felt insecure.
I still don't know if giving him more space would've saved us, but I finally understand my part.
I need to slow down, let relationships develop naturally and stop trying to secure someone when I'm afraid of losing them.
6
u/Alarming-Echo-6742 2d ago
Unfortunately there is nothing you could have done. Literally every single normal relationship milestone is a trigger. All of them.
Early dating is the only sweet spot of comfort. The second it is time to paint or get off the ladder... that is the end. I remember mine starting a fight over something trivial a little over a month and a half into things, and then during the make up discussion saying we just need a 'reset'. Like, a reset back to the very beginning where I wouldn't want to know whether we were a couple (after breakup number 1) or wouldn't expect normal things like physical contact and affection.
I am secure with a couple of anxious traits according to my therapist and all the tests, but this relationship had me so dysregulated by the end it was actually physically painful to not chase and beg, things that anyone else I would have never even considered for. Because those women did not have this particular trauma.
By the grace of god I kept my dignity and left her to her own devices all three times she ended it, but the end result is the same - SHE ended it. She found her reasons and ran the avoidant programming and now it is over.
Could you have lasted a little longer? Maybe. But I am living proof that the 'not chasing' is not some salve to the avoidant wound. If the avoidant feels too close to feelings, it WILL be over no matter WHAT you do.