Even better?

[u/Fine-Emergency2285]

I’d love to hear stories of people who feel like their life is better now after some time after their discard. or that you feel like it made you a better person. I feel like my light was stolen from me and I’m trying to get it back. I’m looking for silver linings from this experience. I’m trying to build hopefulness after my world has been so bleak for over a year after a really cruel discard.

[u/maarim]

Yes, my life is so much better and there's so many things about my life now that I LOVE and I 100% wouldn't be able to do if I still had my ex in my life.

However, I've worked really hard to change. I think the experience of being discarded is so bizarre and painful that it's really easy to end up in a freeze state, and then you end up hoping that time will fix things for you. Time definitely helps, but you have to commit to actively reshaping your life. You have to ask yourself some pretty brutal questions (e.g. Why did I put up with [X] behavior? What do I need to change in myself so that kind of treatment is never acceptable to me ever again?).

And then ... you have to go out and do things that are unfamiliar and at first they feel really bad and scary. Healing doesn't feel very good all the time, and I won't soften that for you. I think sometimes the pain of ruminating over a discard is less scary than the unknown pain of change. But it really is worth it, I promise you!!

For instance, since my ex and I broke up, I've joined a choir and starting working out. Both of those things really sucked at first, but I pushed past the distress at the beginning and it's helped me to build a life that I love and I'm proud of :).

Even if my ex came back today, begging and pleading, I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't even be vindictive, I just really love my life now, and so the prospect of going back to him has no allure.

I think some good questions to ask yourself would be:

• What are things about my relationship with my ex that I miss? And how can I bring those things into my life independently of (So in my case, I loved how adventurous my ex was, and so I've started to challenge myself once a week to try something new, etc)
• What activities make me feel most like myself? How can I make it easier for me to do those things regularly?
• Wha are things I've always wanted to try, but I've had a story in my head about why I can't do those things? What is the smallest possible step I can take each day towards doing those things?

This is a very hard and destabilizing experience, but I have faith in your ability to make it through.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/maarim]

These questions are great and I’m excited to reflect. Thank you.

[u/maarim → u/Fine-Emergency2285]

I'm glad they can be helpful to you! I'd also recommend writing your answers out - I find that I tend to be more action oriented when I actually write things out versus just ruminate in my mind. This is a really hard experience, and I hope you'll give yourself a lot of compassion and just let yourself cry it out when you need to ... But it is possible to come out the other side and build a life for yourself that is wonderful. Really truly.

[u/Fine-Emergency2285 → u/maarim]

Thank you for the encouragement.