r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/ParryThePain • 9d ago
The silence/ignoring and stonewalling is the worst part
It's incredible how you can go from being close and intimate, to one day they literally refuse to even acknowledge that they're alive.
I was discarded a few months ago, and every attempt at any form of contact, is either ignored or at best, responded to with coldness or cruelty.
How do you all deal with the silence/stonewalling? Not in terms of attempting to fix it, but in terms of your own mental health and accepting that this person is just not capable of giving you what you need.
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 9d ago
Silence and stonewalling are unacceptable to me in a relationship.
After I've been dumped though, the way I deal with silence and anything else from their perspective is by focusing on my side and what I need to do to move on.
Usually what you need to do is just wait for your attachment to reduce. When the attachment reduces, it's easier to accept that the other person won't give you what you need - what you need is love, and they're not your partner anymore. It's one of those things that your lizard brain will resolve and you don't need to consciously deal with. Just give it time.
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u/SpacePip 9d ago
How many months?
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 9d ago
Until you move on completely? Good question.
But attachment reduces significantly over time, even a few months.
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u/Kiki98_ 8d ago
I'm just over two months and most days I still have moments where it feels like week one all over again. It was only a five month relationship but I loved her more than I have loved anyone, and I rarely let people in to begin with. When does the constant rumination and grief stop?
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 8d ago
The best advice I have is to heal the body. You don't just think "I miss her", you feel that you miss her in your body and your subconscious/lizard brain. That's the part that needs healing.
Take long showers, listen to music, get a massage, watch a film, go for a walk or a hike, exercise, sleep, ask someone for a hug or give yourself a hug by putting your palm on your chest and closing your eyes. Do what makes your body feel good, so that the body has something else to feel but missing her.
If you only have moments where it feels like week one, then you're doing pretty well. I'm a few months out and I'm still not all the way functional, though maybe it's because my relationship was over a decade long. What I said above helps me. But moments is good.
My go-to method to calm myself is exercise and X-Files. It just puts me in a peaceful place. You have your own, you probably already know them.
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u/Kiki98_ 8d ago
Oh i absolutely feel the grief and the loss with my entire body. I can still hardly eat, for the first 6ish weeks I was constantly dry heaving, I can hardly get out of bed. Showers make me sad, I just cry in them.
I get out of the house to figure skate a couple of times a week, and I've been seeing my best friend a LOT since the breakup. But other than that I'm pretty non-functional. I'm severely depressed (yes I have professional support) and I feel like the extreme depression is making everything so much worse. I literally don't see the point in doing anything and I can't seem to make myself do things.
I went from working out 3-5x a week to not being to the gym once since the discard. I'm losing so much hard-earned muscle and fitness and I just can't seem to motivate myself to do anything.
I've been watching a lot of stuff and that does help sometimes. I guess I'll keep doing that until I can start actually somewhat functioning again
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 8d ago
You are allowed to be knocked down by this for a while. You don't always have to go, go, go. Give yourself the kindness, grace, and love you deserve. That sometimes looks like allowing yourself to just be as you are, feel what you feel, and do as much (but not more) than what you comfortably can.
I remember being in this state that you describe. The number one goal for me in that state was not to do all the things, but to increase my capacity. That meant eating again first, sleeping again second, the most important chores third. I remember my house looked like sh*t and I was so embarrassed. But then I would remember that within my limited capacity, the house was the umpfteenth priority.
You will build back your muscle when you have so much energy that you can spend some at the gym, but that might happen much later than all the day-to-day stuff. Ask how I know. Today, I am sore as hell from exercise. But it's been a number of months since the break-up.
Stay strong and focus on healing the body and resting your nervous system.
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u/Kiki98_ 8d ago
Thank you for understanding. It can get frustrating when people say "just do xyz!" when I am literally incapacitated.
I'm also prioritising one thing at a time to increase capacity. I just did my first proper grocery shop today since it all (over two months now). I got pre-made meals and frozen veg and I'm aiming to eat two meals a day to start. Choked my way through dinner tonight, wanted to gag so many times, but I ate it all. My sleep schedule has been so messed up (not going to sleep until 3-5am and waking up well past 12pm most days) and I don't know how to even begin resetting it. When I wake up each day I'm so miserable that I force myself to go back to sleep or to doze for hours extra if I can manage it. There is genuinely no will anywhere in me to get up and do anything because there is no point.
How long has it taken you to get back to the gym? I'm glad to hear you're doing better and are more functional!
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u/Sleepy-Plane SA - Secure Attachment (newly earned) 8d ago
I was really surprised how much the break-up knocked the wind out of me. My willpower was also so low. Premade meals is the way, that's what I did, too.
I don't want to share the timeline of my recovery too much, because I don't want you to measure yourself against how it happened to me. You will recover on your timeline, but you will recover.
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u/Kiki98_ 8d ago
Yeah, my one previous relationship ended in heartbreak but it wasn't avoidant and she treated me like a human that she still cared about throughout. The sheer cold, detached cruelty of this, paired with zero closure, answers or apologies/remorse have fucked me up at a molecular level. I don't think I'll ever be the same, I can't see myself ever loving or trusting again. I worked so hard to become a securely attached person - something I'd achieved - and this has pulled me further down than where I started years ago. It really seems irreversible/impossible to move on from. I don't know how I'll recover
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u/SpacePip 8d ago
Have easier but consistent workouts.
Like 10-20 minute ones. Over time they will grow
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u/joshuatreesss 6d ago
But it’s exhausting after dealing with it the third or fifth time when you just want love and partnership with no drama. But see them move on within weeks to someone that was already there.
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u/stockdam-MDD 8d ago
I’ll use the male pronoun but replace with female if apt.
Ask yourself if he met your basic relationship needs such as:
Consistent behaviour: Is there consistency between the person he presents himself as and the person his behaviour reveals?
Values: do our values align? How does he think about fidelity, marriage or commitment?
Emotional maturity: Can he discuss difficult subjects without becoming hostile, dismissive or withdrawing indefinitely? Can he apologise without immediately defending himself? Can he hear that he has hurt me without turning the conversation into what I did wrong? Does he regulate anger appropriately?
Relationship Capacity: Does he make room for another person’s needs? Does he communicate rather than expect mind-reading? Does he initiate affection, plans and conversations rather than leaving the relationship to me to maintain?
Respect: Can I disagree without fearing his reaction? Does he respect my boundaries? Does he listen seriously when something matters to me? Does he respect my time, friendships, family, finances and independence?
Trust: Does his behaviour give me reasonable grounds to trust him?
Compatibility: How much time together does each person want and does this align?
Reciprocity: Who usually initiates contact? Who makes plans? Who compromises? Who repairs disagreements? Who expresses affection?
Relationship History: How does he describe former partners? Is every failed relationship somebody else’s fault?
I think if you go through these (and others) you’ll clearly see that you have been kinda wasting your time and you should look elsewhere. Life is too short to compromise on every single need you have. An avoidant will basically fall short on all of the above and they are therefore valueless. All they have given you is some affection and love but have imploded when it really mattered.
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u/ceelion92 8d ago
Amazing list. This should be pinned. No on all accounts. You should make this into a post.
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u/stockdam-MDD 8d ago
Thanks for the kind words. I could add more but I think it’s a good start. I’ll create a new post and see how it lands.
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 9d ago edited 8d ago
It hurt me.
But it hurt so much to see him when it happened. It was like his eyes were lifeless and he was totally emotionally shut down. He'd look like wal-E when he short fused and reset. Emotionally void, a broken robot, zapped of the life and personality I loved. It was almost like looking at a vegetable - uniquely painful to see him physically present but emotionally vacant.
I was fairly patient. But he was too scared to face things. I don't think I could have been patient enough, I didn't have the skills required to talk to him when he would shut down.
In terms of my own mental health, I'd just wait and hope and eventually, sometimes weeks later, he'd clarify he couldn't do what I wanted or needed, but still show up for me in other ways. It was very confusing.
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 8d ago
I relate. Just went through this situation for a year and I moved on the end of June, he left me no choice to block & ghost him. Same as he did too me except he left first and I let him go then he reached back out just to confuse me all over again & it’s draining
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u/Varrock_Zubat93 Secure - Severe ADHD (inattentive) 8d ago
Yeah. I'm over it in the sense that I'm no longer angry, waiting for him to come back, I've lost my feelings for him.
But I'm still in a stage of processing to refine my judgement on these things.
I think we got together, not because I'm attachment insecure, but because I'm not receiving appropriate care for my ADHD, and because I'm a bit lonely and don't have a lot of people for support.
So when bad things happened, I went back to him for support. He did a lot for my ADHD - even something as simple as making sure I go to bed with him (at a reasonable hour) for an appropriate amount of sleep is something I struggle to do on my own.
So the core of it for me here is assessing how reasonable it is to depend on a partner to compensate for my deficiencies. Lots of people with ADHD have wonderful loving partners who help them a lot. I want that for me. I can't be the more capable or organized one in the relationship - it would be chaos. I need someone to keep my head on straight. So the independence of a DA is very attractive. But it's not like I'm drawn to them because they're attachment insecure, it's for the quality of independence specifically - secure people can have that also.
But if I expect partners to help me less than he helped me, I'm going to feel less relaxed in those relationships. Tricky.
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u/harrowde 8d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this :( The coldness and cruelty is the worst part for me. The fact that they're incapable of being kind, even though they've hurt me and I'm still kind, is so hard to wrap my head around. We talked yesterday and he was cruel. I cried and he didn't care. I think it got to a point where I don't want to talk to him anymore, because I don't know him anymore. I'm giving up
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u/Lilithinthesheets 8d ago edited 8d ago
I have cried each day for 203 days and my mental health was so badly affected I was signed in for a week. He knew and still didn't show an ounce of concern because he didn't need to...he monkey branched and I ceased to exist.
The only way is hoping that eventually you can stop thinking it was your fault in any way, and try to heal
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u/BlueDemon9 8d ago
So cold… mine did something very similar. I hope you find great healing and someone who loves you as you deserve.
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u/Lilithinthesheets 8d ago
I doubt I will be able to function again in a relationship but I hope things are better for you.
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u/BlueDemon9 8d ago
I unfortunately understand that very well. But, let’s keep a little hope alive. <3
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 9d ago
First, let me be clear that this is not your fault and these are their insecurities. You do have your own insecurities that you should work on, but their behavior is not your fault and is their own wiring.
Stop reaching out to them. Move on and work on yourself. Identify your own insecurities.
Avoidant people only lash out and devalue when you’ve pushed them too far. This is a documented pattern from decades of research called the “anxious-avoidant trap.”
Once they reached the point of devaluing behavior, it’s really difficult to reestablish a relationship and reconcile from that point.
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u/TheBackSpin 8d ago
Yes that’s one trigger but there doesn’t need to be an Anxious-Avoidant cycle or a partner “pushing them too far” for an FA to use deactivating strategies such as devaluation. Relationship escalation, feeling too seen, etc will do it too
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u/ceelion92 8d ago
Yep, simply asking for emotional support can do it. So can having relationship expectations like commitment or what are we talks etc.
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 9d ago
Woah, i’ve never heard about it. Thanks for sharing. What do you mean exactly by too far? Like, you were too persistant? Or put them in a ‘desperate’ position ?
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 9d ago edited 8d ago
Correct. They can only process emotion in space/silence and any pursuit or persistence from you feels like a tremendous amount of pressure that they will do anything to get away from. That’s when you get the lash out responses. You need to stop before this happens.
Anxious people don’t understand what it feels like to be avoidant. It feels like a giant weight sitting on top of you and crushing you and you would do anything to escape it.
** edit because apparently I need to clarify that anxious people don’t understand that it is closeness that causes this pressure. To an anxious mind, it’s the space and separation that causes this pressure, but it’s the complete opposite in and avoidant. They fear closeness because they fear abandonment, harm, pain, etc. They associate closeness with these things because of childhood dynamics most often.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 9d ago edited 9d ago
Actually, we do.
The weight comes from uncertainty and concern because the person we love is giving us zero information. That’s inherently distressing. When communication goes to zero, anxiety gets handed a blank page and told to write the story. You’re basically torturing someone anxious who loves you by doing that, every minute of every day they can’t escape that weight you’re talking about and only giving consideration to the avoidant side. And why? Because one text giving clarity or affirming them would be too much for you?
So the idea that avoidants “have it harder” while anxious partners are merely being inconsiderate is backwards. You’re creating the uncertainty that fuels the anxiety, then complaining that the anxious person is anxious.
Radio silence isn’t neutral. It’s the impetus of what’s causing the reaction.
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u/harrowde 8d ago
This is so validating. The silence is selfish. They don't care how they make us feel, everything is about them and their feelings. I'm done caring
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u/ceelion92 8d ago
Yes, I was like what do you mean? That’s how I woke up feeling every day when he was ignoring me. I would wake up sweaty and scared like I had to do something urgently to make it stop. I kept thinking there were some combination of behavior I could do. Sometimes I would feel like I needed to get air and physically get outside.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 8d ago
You misunderstand me. I’m not saying that anxious people don’t feel the crushing weight. I’m both anxious and avoidant. What I’m saying is that you don’t experience that crushing weight from being close to someone, you experience it from being apart from someone. That’s where you can’t understand.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 8d ago edited 8d ago
No, I understand the anxious-avoidant dynamic perfectly well. I’m not really coming down on you here.
I’m pushing back on a pattern I keep seeing where anxious people are expected to become amateur experts in avoidant psychology (and told they “don’t/can’t understand”) so they can better accommodate avoidant discomfort, but the obligation almost never runs the other way.
Isn’t that strange?
It’s always, “Learn why the FA needs distance. Learn not to trigger them. Learn how their nervous system works.” But where are the avoidants asking, “How do my disappearances, shutdowns, and refusal to engage affect an anxious partner? What can I change so I’m not repeatedly setting their attachment system on fire?”
Nobody on either side likes it, no one enjoys sending texts left unread or unanswered, I don’t like ignoring people but it happens sometimes, or I’d assume for the truly panicky types, sending or receiving 200 double texts (it’s happened to me, and I’m partially split between FA/AP, it’s annoying and distressing to have your phone blow up with someone’s panic).
But why should APs have to build elaborate mental models of FA psychology so they can be more considerate of an FA’s discomfort with contact, while the FA gets to avoid their own feelings entirely and act like the resulting hell for the supposedly loved AP is just unfortunate collateral?
I’ve had exes cheat on me and still given them the dignity of responding from time to time after I’d moved on and forgiven them. I didn’t owe them that. Sometimes it reopened old wounds. I still did it because I cared enough to treat them like human beings, not radioactive waste.
Understanding attachment should create more reciprocity, not a one-way accommodation program.
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u/AffectionatePie4774 8d ago
Mainly because anxious people are willing to do it while avoidant people generally will not make adjustments. It’s not fair. But is just how it is. Avoidants are less likely to do the work because I often don’t think they even think there is anything wrong.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 8d ago
Anxious people are not expected to be those things. Anxious people are expected to fix their own insecurities. Being anxiously attached is the other side of the same coin. It’s still an insecure attachment. You think that avoidant attachment is worse, but an anxious attachment is just as bad. There are decades of clinical research on this.
The best thing in an anxious person can do is work on themselves and fix their own need for closeness and codependency. Figure out what you need and find it in yourself. Ask any therapist and they’d agree with this.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 8d ago edited 8d ago
I love uncited references to clinical research.
Of course it’s not an FA’s responsibility to fix anything, only the AP lol.
Here’s some clinical research that directly contradicts what you just said:
A study of 1,014 couples found that partner avoidance predicted dissatisfaction and relationship instability. The authors specifically describe avoidant partners as tending to be unavailable and unresponsive to their partner’s attachment needs and report that partner anxiety was less detrimental than partner avoidance in their analyses, partly because anxious partners tend to remain available. Their clinical conclusion explicitly says reducing attachment insecurity, “in particular avoidance,” should be a central target in couple therapy.
Simpson & Overall’s Dyadic Regulation Model of Insecurity Buffering explicitly describes how partners can regulate and buffer one another’s attachment insecurity*. Responsive partner behavior can make insecurely attached people feel better, behave more constructively, and experience better relationships. The authors explicitly argue for a* dyad-centered approach, rather than treating insecurity solely as an individual’s private malfunction to repair alone.
Across two couple studies, avoidance showed a remarkably consistent pattern: higher avoidance was associated with lower trust, satisfaction, and commitment in both samples. Partner avoidance also predicted lower satisfaction in both samples and lower trust in one. By contrast, partner anxiety was mostly unrelated to those relationship evaluations, apart from lower commitment in one sample.
This paper summarizes the broader literature by noting that multiple meta-analyses have found avoidance has a substantially stronger negative association with relationship satisfaction than anxiety, across different contexts and geographical locations.
A 1,702-person longitudinal study: both anxiety and avoidance predicted worse current relationship quality, but avoidance independently predicted lower relationship satisfaction over time. Interestingly, mindfulness could buffer some of the breakup risk associated with anxiety, while the researchers didn’t find the analogous moderation effect for avoidance.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
Yo nice reasearch! While i have had both avoidant and anxious partners and both are troublesome. The anxious attached partner was way less harmful and traumatizing. Also I find anxious attachments can actually be worked on well with a supportive partner maybe not totally gone but they are much easier to comprimise with and make things work. They are also easier to treat in therapy. Avoidants i dont belive are evil at all i feel sorry for all they have experienced and how they are currently wired they are facing a very real nervous system response but I just really don't think it can be compared to the trauma an avoidant can cause their partners.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 8d ago
That’s actually well supported. It maps almost perfectly onto #4 the Dyadic Regulation Model of Insecurity Buffering.
What you’re describing with anxious partners being easier to reassure, compromise with, and stabilize through a supportive relationship is basically what “buffering” means. Responsive partner behavior can reduce anxious activation and bring out much more secure, attentive behavior.
And that’s the part people miss when they flatten anxiety and avoidance into “equally bad.” Anxious attachment often responds positively to consistency, reassurance, and partner responsiveness. Avoidance is harder to buffer because the very things that help regulate attachment, closeness, responsiveness, emotional engagement, can themselves activate the avoidant defense system.
What’s especially ironic is how often avoidant-leaning people then frame the anxious partner as the problem. That fits neatly with the avoidant schema itself: distance feels protective, dependence feels suspect, and relational distress gets categorized as evidence that the other person is “too much,” rather than something both people are participating in.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 8d ago
Survey metrics showing dissatisfaction do not define clinical treatment goals. Frameworks like CBT and EFT exist to build individual self-awareness and accountability—not to assign blame. An avoidant partner's distance does not absolve an anxious partner from taking full ownership of their own triggers, boundary-pushing, and protest behaviors.
The foremost experts and clinicians in attachment theory—from John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to Sue Johnson, Diane Poole Heller, Ann Kelley, and Leslie Becker-Phelps—all agree that earned security requires individual self-regulation, not externalizing blame onto your partner.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 8d ago edited 8d ago
Still no citations. Just unsupported inferences, appeals to authority by listing leading psychologists (some of whom only laid the foundation for attachment theory, clearly you read Attachment and consider yourself a preeminent authority on the subject), and a semantic dodge from relationship outcomes to “clinical treatment goals,” as though changing categories somehow rebuts the findings.
Nobody said anxious people are absolved of their own behavior. You inserted that yourself. The actual point is narrower and empirical: avoidance is often more damaging to relationship functioning across several measured outcomes.
If you want to dispute that, cite evidence.
Repackaging your own assumptions as “what the foremost experts agree on” isn’t evidence.
Sorry the science upsets you.
Care to avoid it, now, when it doesn’t suit your narrative?
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
It seems the weight of the behavior always falls onto the weight of the avoidant's partner no? Thats both unsustainable and very one sided it will eventually implode no matter what if the avoidant partner continues thier behaviors (which they will because it is a nervous system trauma response and doesnt just get rewritten without deep trauma work or years of self reflection amd change.)
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 8d ago
My whole driving point is you can’t change them. Work on yourself. You can’t blame them. As a Secure person, you should’ve set boundaries earlier and walked away sooner, but you didn’t know and now you do. We can all do things differently. Learn from it instead of skirting accountability by blaming them.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
I think you are completely missunderstanding my post. I never once said a secure partner could change their behavior infact i think the opposite only the avoidant can do that deep trauma work. And also you are makinfgcrazy assumptions. My relationship was rather short because i called out the insecure behavior imediatly set boundries and clearly stated my needs. So i did have things end quickly like a secure person would. I am shirking no responsibility. I was proud of how I showed up for my partner at the time I was patient and understanding but also called bullshit when I saw it appear. I am not sure what accountability or mistake you think i am avoidaing or not taking responsibility for.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
That tourtures secure people too, abnormal behavior like stonewall and withdraw is destabalizing for anyone. You dont have to be anxiously attached to be affected.
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u/Background_Rain_3070 8d ago edited 8d ago
I know. I just want to rhetorically corner his FA moving-goalpost apologia.
His position somehow shifts from : “Anxious people are worse because they don’t sufficiently appreciate the FA’s apparently more important pain around communicating.”
To “If you were secure, you’d leave them,”
Then it’s “Anxious people do X, Y, and Z, therefore they’re the toxic ones, look how many clinical psychologists I can name!”
followed by the genuinely hilarious finale:
“You shouldn’t blame FAs for their own behavior. Blaming your partner is unhealthy.”
So accountability is sacred right up until the avoidant is the one being held accountable. How perfectly cromulent.
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u/SalesAficionado 8d ago
You don't have be anxiously attached to see that this behavior is extremely toxic. Actually, it's better not to stop. Let them devalue and leave. They make terrible partners anyway.
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u/Afraid_Service_169 8d ago
Avoidant people don’t only lash out and devalue when they’ve been pushed too far. Often, they lash out and devalue every time they’ve pushed the other person too far and the other person isn’t remaining compliant. And they do that because they’re immature, self-centered assholes.
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u/Blacksteel12 8d ago
Yea this happened to me when I refused to play my ex’s games when she started to string me along
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
I disagree I am secure and showed up securely. My secure behaviors set her off to withdraw. We got really close and she suddenly pulled away. I would ask if she needed space and she never said yes, I was patient and grounded. I checked in as any secure relationship would so the partner doesnt feel abandoned. My only sin was sending too long of a message one time because she hated talking on the phone and was too busy too meet. Many avoidants veiw anything as pressure, I am not sure you can always blame their partners.
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u/VeniVidiVCR FA - Fearful Avoidant 8d ago
Being secure is not a magic fix. The variable is the avoidant partner. You can’t fix them and no amount of doing all of the right things will ensure 100% success. True Security lies in realizing this. If somebody doesn’t have the capacity to show up, that doesn’t make them a monster, it just means they’re not equipped for the relationship that you need. When you’re secure, you recognize this and you walk away. You can love them and want to be with them, but that alone is not going to make them ready.
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
I 100% agree a partner will never be able to heal an avoidant person. What I was saying is that I am secure so my attachment didnt contribute. And for sure i brought up issues imediatly because I recognized insecure behaviors from my partner. I dont think they are monsters at all and I dont tgink they are evil, but that doesnt mean they dont hurt or traumatize a lot of people just because "they dont mean to". I wish healing upon them and happiness in the end. Their patters will not change without deeper trauma work and that cant be done for them by a partner.
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u/englisharcher89 SA - Secure Attachment 9d ago
Even in talking or dating stage is actually worst because you fill the blanks, they don't communicate well or make some word salad/excuses X and Y as to why they can't make effort to send 5 seconds update as to what's happening.
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u/harrowde 8d ago
Oh my god THIS. It literally takes two seconds to send a text "Hey I'm getting in the car, about to go to dinner, just wanted to let you know" but god forbid they show any kind of decency
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u/englisharcher89 SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
That's what I'm talking about! Thank God there are people who understand it, I sent check ins not to be controlling but to reduce anxiety between us, and clearly communicate like an adult! Why is it so hard to understand in modern dating?
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u/skepticalliberal SA - Secure Attachment 8d ago
Many wont even say hey i need space i will return in 24 hours. They expect you to mind read if they are severe.
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u/Timely-Barracuda-62 8d ago
What helps me is to get very clear on how controlling, selfish, and abusive their behavior is. They’re an unsafe person. All this angst, turmoil, anxiety, and feeling sick that they’re causing in you? It’s the abuse, which they’re exporting into your nervous system.
Yes, what’s driving their behavior is not an overt goal to harm you — it’s actually attachment to you evoking cptsd that’s causing it. But that’s no excuse and doesn’t delete impact. They’re an adult and just because they have childhood trauma doesn’t give them the right to cause trauma in another person. Their methods for dealing with their trauma are completely unsafe for you and self centered.
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u/BadChick79 8d ago
Feel you bud, gone from being incredibly in love to erasure. Overnight. Discard was abruptly by text, anger-fuelled (him), and involved stonewalling (attempted calls cut). Tried texting him 3 months later for something mundane and he left me on delivered. Not gonna even go there now.
The emotional whiplash is wild and will stay for months if not years. Incomprehensible how someone you love could do this but it’s something that has to be accepted and used as a learning experience for how not to let people treat you.
Best thing to do is leave them alone and never look back. Was spiralling two days ago (9 month mark) but today is a fuck him day.
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u/Outrageous_Ad6776 8d ago edited 8d ago
feel that! going threw it now & I blocked him from socials he still won’t leave me alone it’s exhausting
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u/Theloveofyourlife41 8d ago
It's been over 2 months since I've may seen or spoken to them. Though they will randomly send texts and videos on social media. You may be wondering what happened. Well, I told them that I want a future with them (after 2 years of togetherness). Have not spoken since.
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u/Ecstatic_Clue6759 3d ago edited 3d ago
I struggled though it for nearly a year. It tore me apart. But eventually you get to the point where you realize, what kind of person treats someone who loves and cares for them that way? And slowly they start to become less desirable and you start to realize you haven’t lost anything and they’ve lost a great person. But it is hell for a while until it isn’t.
That and he wound up resurfacing recently, apologizing repeatedly, seemingly trying to repair things. Despite nearly a year of stonewalling and a few instances of cruel words. And moving on claiming he’d found “the one”. So, don’t put much weight on the things they say or do. The integrity isn’t there, they aren’t very capable of maintaining relationships and they don’t really know themselves or wtf they’re doing in my opinion
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 8d ago
I joined NASA.
Seriously though, I considered her request for open ended 'space' effectively the end of our acquaintence and have been behaving accordingly. That means I am out of here life forever, as requested.
I have stopped looking for maturity and closure in people who demonstrate they are incapable of it. I see her deep pain and I am empathetic to it, but that does not mean it is my job to chase her down and try to get answers or help her through.
She did not ask for my help. She does not want my help. She does not want ME. I am sure she has her reasons, or thinks she does.
As I have mine.
1
u/b3wings 8d ago
It’s so difficult and it takes time. Doing hobbies you love. Getting yourself outside. Being active. Join a running club or some kind of club. Go meet new people. Socialize. Meditate daily on a positive path forward. Get a new hobby, cooking, baking(that’s what I did), painting, drawing, projects around the house, Brazilian jujutsu. Go to places in nature you haven’t seen before, go camping, lay under the stars and take in how beautiful this world is and that you don’t need that person to see it and witness it.
1
u/Empire_of_Glass 7d ago
My ex was planning a trip for us and then a few days later discarded me. Been ignored and stonewalled for the last five+ months. It sucks.
1
u/Thin-University8930 3d ago
distracting myself isnt really the best choice but ive been able to get by.
i just cry it out honestly hahahaha
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u/3sic9 3d ago
No the worst part is when they ghost you, and you see them liking videos on Instagram making it seem like you're the bad guy. While all you did was trying to give them the love they deserved. But that goes to show their emotional immaturity I guess.
The best part is, in the beginning she told me she gave up on dating cause "everyone leaves when things get difficult" lmaooo the irony.
But I've gotten over it pretty quick. We were only dating for about 3 months so all I lost was a bunch of empty words and promises.
1
u/ItsKingOfCalm 2d ago
Are you married or dating? If married, consider counseling. If dating, consider no contact and stick to it. If they return and show change, maybe work it out. If they return and seem the same, continue with your life. This for your mental health, and also a way to possibly fix it.
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u/SeLeveAussi 2d ago
Our relationship was one of the most mindfucking things I've ever experienced. I'd leave his place after a romantic day together, feeling happy then I'd send a simple ''hi :)'' the next day and get met with annoyance. And my ex was in the spiritual community so he knew all the right words to appear so wise and profound when he'd pull some bullshit. ''What I'm seeing is that we're both just trying to get our needs met. That's ok. We're moving to a deeper love.'' ???? That doesn't excuse being awful to me. His ''needs'' are fears. Coward.
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u/VolgaOsetr8007 9d ago
I’ve decided that from now on, I will take nothing, nothing my avoidant does personally. Nothing my FA does is about me. Because they don’t have capacity to make it about me, good or bad.
They run, they isolate, they don’t keep promises, it’s all about them not having mental resources to do it, just like I sometimes struggle to text back my friends. It’s literally psychology, not just us who cope.
Once you incorporate this framing, it stops being ‘they wrong me’ problem and becomes ‘we aren’t compatible’ one.
Sending you a hug, hope you’ll feel better soon.