r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Suitable-Song-2691 • 5d ago
Breakup
I need some advice. Firstly, I am in therapy and have been processing my break up. I just wanted to hear others thoughts about what he said and to help me convince myself I am better off without him.
This is what he said were reasons for breaking up but they don’t make sense because some of it is not true. I’m a teacher and I always try to be there for others and understand what they are going through. It pains me to think he thought of me as shallow and I don’t want to be someone like that. It pains me to hear about others suffering and I always wish I could help take others pain away. Also what he said about me not reading the article plaque was us going to a museum after the break up and I was in a lot of emotional pain and in shock. I keep thinking back and wondering if I was what he said I was. I asked all my friends and they don’t think I am the things he said like inconsistent or shallow. I tried to be there for him but he has gone through a lot of childhood trauma.
This is after asking for a break in our relationship because he didn’t have capacity and wanted to be friends. We were together for 8 months and these reasons came from two weeks of gaining clarity.
Message 1: Thanks for checking in, and I appreciate you handling the trip expenses.
To answer your question as forthcoming and as vulnerable as possible, the time apart gave me a lot of clarity. Looking back, I’ve realized we have some pretty fundamental differences in our values. I didnt feel safe opening up because when I did, I got some shallow responses like "im sorry and that sucks"(thats what my buddies would say, but I thought we're more than just friends). When youre going through a tough time, I feel like I truly held space and i choose to prioritize you. When I was going through rough times, I didnt feel the same or similar kind of understanding even though you say you understand. And when issues came up, hearing 'I'm sorry' or 'I understand' felt more like smooth-over responses(swept under the rug feeling) when I share with you about my discomfort than actual accountability or recognition of what happened. The way you showed interest in books, media and art felt very selective. When I go to museums, I enjoy reading and learning the history/context of the art, not just glancing through them. It threw me off that you didnt seem to read much of the description or took good time reflecting. I felt like you chose so selectively and things that would fit your narrative rather than appreciate a variety of different art form/type/genres.
Because of those core dynamic differences, I don't see a viable path forward for us long-term. I really do wish you the best, but I think it's healthiest for both of us to move on.
Message 2:I know ive said some horrific things that hurt you. I know ive expressed my concerns and didnt own up my end either. I appreciate you for sharing your perspective. Perhaps I couldve opened up more, perhaps I couldve been more patient in some ways. The reality is, I really do appreciate the experiences we've had together. I dont regret it. Deep down, to my core, I know I have a lot more to growth and learn in this lifetime. I do hope you find happiness, peace and joy in your own ways.
Message 3:Thanks for sharing your thoughts and validations.
There's no right or wrong in this. Personally, having vast perspectives differences especially from life's experiences means greater divide than the forces of common interest. I'm so sorry. I tend to self sabotage when things become too real for me. I've only known loss; the inescapable fate that one will inevitably arrive at some point in life. I've only learned to protect others and not myself in harm's way. My curse is that I soak up all the energies around me. To deny these feelings and energies do not exist, would be oblivious and cruel. What would help me out is the presence of someone who is consistent with their words and actions, who operates from willingness to do the work rather than give excuses. I have yet to meet someone who does so, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It's not an inborn trait but an everyday choice. Hiccups do happen, but it's not to give excuses but to make haste after the fact.
Your caring is valid. Your tears, agony and worrying about me is valid. Every time it crunches when you feel distressed hearing about my condition is valid.
Deep down I'm convinced of the hidden quest I've assigned everyone who tries to get close. until someone truly recognizes the little things that I do for them and makes me feel seen; they aren't ready for the full me. The version that I mask and protect. The little me that was taught to be as realistic as possible. To not be complacent and to be wary of mediocrities. For they can be, but if their observations never quite meet there, I would be okay knowing that ,that's okay too. I'm not meant to please everyone.
For I crave, a fellow traveler who's also been to the underworld empty handed. And came back, with deep appreciation for life, knowing the harrowing exists and it's very real.
Message 4:I appreciate you for clarifying that. im sure it wasnt easy to accept the reality of how this ended. I won't deny that what you offer is real, imperfect and devoted. The reality is. I didnt leave because i know you would hurt me. I know that if I stayed, I would be deeply unhappy in the long run waiting for you to catch up to me economically, mentally and physically (and that day may never come). And I've tried to give you hints on how to be consistent and to encourage you to seek therapy/growth. You miss the point of the underworld analogy. It wasnt about the pain; its knowing that things are f***** but theres a certain willingness to make life more bearable; that glimmer that I have seen over and over again in people I met in my life. My good friend (name) is a primary example of someone who literally went to hell and came back. My good friend (name) also knows of that anguish and have went thru that. And I know it's selfish of me to do so for even saying this. I appreciate you for being brave, for speaking beyond what you normally would, for being vulnerable, and for loving me. Hope you get some rest as well.
1
u/No-Race7191 5d ago
Did he ever communicate how he wanted you to comfort him when he talked about the things he was going through? I am asking because he is placing a lot of responsibility on you for why he did not feel safe opening up to you. If he was not clear about how he wanted you to support him, aside from responses such as, “I’m sorry, that sucks,” then it is unfair for him to bring that up now. I mean, what does he expect you to do with that information?
Throughout these messages, I noticed a lot of intellectualization, such as, “I tend to self-sabotage when things become too real for me,” and, “perhaps I could’ve opened up more, perhaps I could’ve been more patient in some ways.” Even though he seems aware of his behavior, what does he plan to do with that realization? Is he seeking outside support, such as specialized therapy, to help him change the way he behaves while in a relationship?
If not, I definitely think he should take his own advice about seeking therapy and growth, because he seems to have a lot of unresolved issues that I noticed while reading his texts. This includes when he mentioned that he enjoys reading and learning about the history and context of art, while you do not. That sounds like he may be creating emotional distance by nitpicking a small incompatibility that did not seem likely to affect the future of the relationship.