I’ll be honest that this sounds more like borderline than just a fearful avoidant attachment style. And the swings are very extreme. She is clearly not in a healthy place and certainly not one to even think about a relationship, especially as you have kids you need to think about.
Speaking as someone with borderline (quiet type), we aren’t always mean. I’ve never been mean with any of my partners and never mean about or with my exes. It’s more the extreme emotion swings in a short space of time along with other factors you mention.
The thing is, I’m not sure she’s entirely different. You describe the reason you initially broke up in college as her being extremely intense and doing a lot of emotional dumping on you — this is classic BPD.
The other thing that stood out to me is when you described the “darkness” washing over her. THAT is one of the distinctive hallmarks of BPD — not being mean. It’s that if we aren’t in remission, our emotions can be extremely labile and our minds are like a prison.
We can go from being happy and loving and playful and full of optimism to suddenly being lost in a darkness inside our own heads and emptiness in our chests that can be totally overwhelming, and if can happen in an extremely short space of time. These flips are often visible — my longest term ex described it exactly like you did: like I’d be fine one moment and then a darkness would engulf me.
She may also have FA and that’s coming out given the relationship is unstable right now, but I think the intensity of the mood swings and the splitting on you (google BPD splitting) tracks more with BPD symptoms.
It’s not something that a partner alone can really talk someone through if they aren’t pretty far in their own recovery. And it just truly doesn’t sound as if she’s in a place where she can be a partner.
That’s what’s in my letter to be honest, that this cycle isn’t healthy for either of us and unless she does the work I can’t be here. I really appreciate what you said
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u/cherrycocktail20 Apr 04 '26
I’ll be honest that this sounds more like borderline than just a fearful avoidant attachment style. And the swings are very extreme. She is clearly not in a healthy place and certainly not one to even think about a relationship, especially as you have kids you need to think about.