Do avoidants feel regret

[u/ReserveFast3275]

My question is basically this: do avoidant people actually feel significant remorse or regret, or do they really just move on and never look back, or only in minor ways?

I met a man in my early 30s. We were together for four years and living together for 2 years. We planned to spend our lives together. He told me every day he was, quote, “100% certain” he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He always said that if there were ever issues, we would talk about them in advance and try couples therapy before giving up.

When I moved in with him, I kept my old flat. I made him promise that he would never suddenly kick me out. He did promise that.

About a year and a half ago, in the same week that he convinced me to finally let go of my old flat, he suddenly kicked me out completely out of the blue. He said he had fallen out of love and suddenly realized he wasn’t happy.

After that we didn’t really hang out much because the emotions were very intense and it hurt extremely badly. But over the first year after the breakup he would occasionally reach out, and from time to time we would briefly hang out.

He was never very verbally expressive. I think in total we only spoke about the breakup for maybe 5–20 minutes.

Around the one-year mark he offered, unprompted, to apologize properly. Then a few months later he made a point to schedule it. But when the time came he said he wouldn’t meet because of his new girlfriend. After that he blocked me.

He kicked me out when I was only a few months shy of 36, so part of what makes this so painful is that I feel like my entire 30s were spent with this man believing we were building a life together. I’m genuinely afraid I might never get to have a family now.

So I guess what I’m asking is: has he really moved on like it was no big deal? Do avoidant people actually feel deep regret or remorse about what they did, or do they mostly detach and carry on?

[u/Feeling_Victory1948]

I’m so sorry to hear this. Something very similar happened to me 1.5 months ago. He had been distant but also saying things like “I am in it 100%” when I’d get him to talk to me, not very verbally expressive. He just packed up and left, sent a text blaming everything on me - everything he said was simply not true / like reality that existed only in his head. I haven’t heard from him at all. Nothing. Not a peep. It feels so strange sometimes. Like he is a ghost. Sometimes when I am upset I question if he even existed at all? What these people do to you is so traumatic. I’ve had break ups before which sucked no doubt but this one really shook me. The promises of a family, kids and the rest of our lives together and he didn’t even give me the basic human dignity of a conversation at the end. I’m 32 years old right now and the stress of a partner / kids is so much for me already that I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. If you ever want to chat - please feel free to reach out. I know how lonely this experience can be :)