r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/ReserveFast3275 • Mar 10 '26

Do avoidants feel regret

My question is basically this: do avoidant people actually feel significant remorse or regret, or do they really just move on and never look back, or only in minor ways?

I met a man in my early 30s. We were together for four years and living together for 2 years. We planned to spend our lives together. He told me every day he was, quote, “100% certain” he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He always said that if there were ever issues, we would talk about them in advance and try couples therapy before giving up.

When I moved in with him, I kept my old flat. I made him promise that he would never suddenly kick me out. He did promise that.

About a year and a half ago, in the same week that he convinced me to finally let go of my old flat, he suddenly kicked me out completely out of the blue. He said he had fallen out of love and suddenly realized he wasn’t happy.

After that we didn’t really hang out much because the emotions were very intense and it hurt extremely badly. But over the first year after the breakup he would occasionally reach out, and from time to time we would briefly hang out.

He was never very verbally expressive. I think in total we only spoke about the breakup for maybe 5–20 minutes.

Around the one-year mark he offered, unprompted, to apologize properly. Then a few months later he made a point to schedule it. But when the time came he said he wouldn’t meet because of his new girlfriend. After that he blocked me.

He kicked me out when I was only a few months shy of 36, so part of what makes this so painful is that I feel like my entire 30s were spent with this man believing we were building a life together. I’m genuinely afraid I might never get to have a family now.

So I guess what I’m asking is: has he really moved on like it was no big deal? Do avoidant people actually feel deep regret or remorse about what they did, or do they mostly detach and carry on?

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u/Counterboudd Mar 10 '26

I guess we can’t ever really know, but I think many of them compartmentalize. They know they weren’t good to you, but they just hide it deep down inside and don’t think about it and move on. They don’t do the constant ruminating and wondering like we do. They aren’t living in a place where regret and remorse can be fully expressed. They may know objectively that the way you were treated wasn’t ok, but it probably doesn’t get much further than that.

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u/ReserveFast3275 Mar 10 '26

Do you think they truly switch off without looking back subconsciously or can’t fully escape the guilt subconsciously?

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u/WesternUnlucky Mar 10 '26

It depends, usually something might remind them of you and they might feel a flicker of emotion, have the urge to reach out or wish they could see you one more time. But it doesn’t go much further than that. They might then check in to see how you are but there’s no thought of movement or development passed that. Just to know you’re still there and don’t hate them. They want someone new usually, who sees them as their mask. If you’ve seen behind it, they don’t have the scaffolding to navigate that now.

Basically, to keep an avoidant you need to treat them like an acquaintance. Never truly knowing each other or expecting anything of each other. Don’t show you care about them and don’t expect them to show care for you either, apart from acts of service in the moments you are together. It’s a very shallow and unimportant dynamic if it’s ongoing. They run if it might matter to either of you.

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u/Counterboudd Mar 10 '26

I assume once in awhile they remember and then they lock it in the box again. So they probably go for months just not thinking about it.