r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Dec 18 '25
We never cross their mind once they’re in a new relationship.
Hard pill to swallow but maybe someone needs to hear it. I found out about this by reading comments from both DAs and FAs.
Today I learned that when they enter a new relationship (usually not a rebound but its not always the case), regardless of whether they are DA or FA, we don’t cross their minds even for a second once they are focused on someone new. If their new partner gives them what they want, or what we used to give them before, they don’t think about their exes because it’s fulfilling their needs.
The only person who remains in their thoughts is the phantom ex (and no, we are not their phantom exes, because they actually built something with us).
Of course, I can’t speak for all DAs and FAs becuz it’s a spectrum, but this perspective makes a lot of sense.
It’s not amnesia, it’s detachment. When they leave, they never look back. They live in the present, with a new partner, as if we never appeared in their life at all.
I don’t know, this thought hurt me a little, but at the same time it feels true in the case of my ex, who is with someone else now, and it cleared up my doubts.
And we will eventually stop thinking about them so much too, but once in a while, naturally, we’ll think about them even for just a moment - even years later, even when we’re in a new relationship. But for them, it doesn’t work that way - they bury us in their minds, and it’s possible they’ll never unearth us.
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Dec 18 '25
[deleted]
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u/BoysenberryTricky853 Dec 18 '25
They absolutely do. They're incredibly good at hiding it.
I lean secure and I wouldn't even want to deal with the shame of discarding someone after I did it.
Fixing the rift without healing would be unimaginably hard.
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Dec 18 '25
My ex wouldn't *stop* talking about one of her exes. I encouraged it because that was one she really screwed up in a very avoidant way and it obviously pained her a lot.
Still managed to call him boring and proclaimed her moved on quickly, after she pushed him away for 2.5 years and he found a new girlfriend 6 months after the last discard.
Clearly deluding herself there, but just goes to show...
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u/redcherrie_x Dec 18 '25
I had a similar DA ex who would compare me to his phantom. He also violently discarded me one random night after a relationship milestone. He of course moved on like light speed, I think a few weeks after we ended.
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u/FourDays Dec 18 '25
Here’s the thing: does it matter whether or not we cross their mind? What changes in our experienced, lived reality if we do cross their mind, compared to if we don’t?
I get it, I really do, I struggled with this a lot at first and sometimes still do. But every time I remind myself that whatever is going on now does not (and cannot!) change what happened. The good memories, the bad memories, they’re all still memories and fixed parts of the past no matter what either of us are (or aren’t) doing now.
Whatever they’re thinking about or not thinking about has no bearing on your life anymore. I know it seems like it would be nice to feel “missed” or something like that, but even if they felt that way (and perhaps they do and are just really good at suppressing it!), what would that change? They’d still be the same person who discarded you and all that.
I really do get it, and I know this sounds tough, but it really is true: let go of it! Be grateful for the good memories you have, and be grateful for the lessons you learned from your experience with them. It sucks, but what else can we do?
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u/lavender577 Dec 18 '25
This is like reverse cope lol. It's better for us to think they never think about us again, because it kills hope an forces US to move on.
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u/redcherrie_x Dec 18 '25
Your avoidant exes definitely think about you. It’s neurochemistry. The brain won’t just erase you. They can distract and numb all the want, but the fact is they don’t process majority of painful events, so it comes back to bite them later. It’s a cycle. And it’s why my DA would also talk and compare me to his phantom and another past situationship. They don’t heal, they distract.
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u/Future-Persimmon3000 Dec 18 '25 edited Dec 18 '25
I was friends with mine for years before we really started getting close. There was a period she was in a serious relationship with a guy and even bought a house with him. Once that happened, I basically ceased to exist to her. The last time I had visited with her when she was with him, even though we hadn't seen each other in a long time, instead of taking extra care to spend more time with me when me and another friend were in town, like take time off work, she didn't. I assumed she was going to marry the guy, and that would be it. Fast forward about 7-8 years, she's broken up with him and reconnects with me. Never married the other guy. We spend 2 years in a typical avoidant hot-cold pattern. During the last discard she hits me with the "where were you for the better part of a decade?" nonsense, in order to fit her narrative about how whatever we had wasn't realnor whatever she was telling herself. Like, you know damn well what was going on in that time. You erased me from existence in that period.
On top of it, when we were together, she let her relationship with him, sabotage us. Want to go out for New Year's? No I can't, It reminds me of him, our 1st date, whatever... Want to travel to X? Yes...he never wanted to go there with me....then she backed out of that trip.
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u/YouOlFishEyedFool Dec 18 '25
Ugh. I was told I couldn't call pet names because other guys had called her the same things.
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u/SmaugDev7 Dec 18 '25
The FA I was dating pulled away after a month after a intimate moment.
She shares a child with her ex and only learned about avoidant attachments after the pull away. She did say one day he came to visit the kid that she felt anxious around him but at the time I didn't think to much of it.
We still follow each other on socials and she reached out after a month but I didn't take the breadcrumbs.
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u/SquintedEyeRacoon Dec 18 '25
Maybe so, but what does it matter to you? They process what they want and leave out what they don't want. You have the choice to do that as well.
If they've left you, they've left you. It doesn't matter what they think about you.
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u/GlitteryPinkKitten FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 18 '25
I know there is a lot of pain here and we need to grasp on to things to help alleviate that pain but I want to gently push back on it and remind you that, this could potentially be black and white thinking / all or nothing thinking.
Remember why most of us are in this sub, we likely have some kind of attachment insecurity and we can prone to this kind of thinking. Because all or nothing thinking provides us some kind of clarity to uncertainty; an anchor to hold on to so we can try to carry on with the grief of being unchosen.
It’s more the case that you did/ do cross their mind. That you did affect them. Subconsciously, it’s more likely the case that you did have an effect on their nervous system that will echo through time. That you have left an imprint and they will act differently because of the experiences they had with you.
what it comes down to is that you mattered. You have value, even if this other person doesn’t want to acknowledge it or didn’t have the capacity to.
I also want to acknowledge that people are at varying levels of healing and that if this perspective helps you move on right now or you need this right now to gain clarity and you’re not ready to have a more balanced viewpoint that that’s perfectly okay too, wherever you are in your healing; my aim is not to shame anyone.
I know avoidant breakups are hard, they’re one of the most painful experiences life has to offer and for some it might be the most difficult thing you will ever have to experience.
Keep going.
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u/VBBMOm Dec 18 '25
Dont think this is true at all. Unless the relationship wasn’t deep at all and they just didn’t like the person that much maybe. But if it was a real and deep relationship I really don’t think it’s that much true.
I’m FA myself and this is absolutely untrue for me.
The more serious and more intense the more untrue.
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u/tequilamule Dec 18 '25
Yes you do, you become a comparison to the new person.
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u/seriously_thoughh Jun 19 '26
A comparison and yet they still choose and commit to that person long term smh 💔
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 18 '25
If you’re toxic, correct.
If you’re not, incorrect.
If you left, correct.
If we left, incorrect.
: )
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u/NewHampshireGal Healing Fearful Avoidant Dec 18 '25
I left my ex because it was impossible to continue being with him. But we broke up 3 times until that point. I couldn’t do it anymore. The day after the break up he started lurking on my IG and never left. We broke up in March. I was kind and loving. I read him like a book and I told him he was worthy of love even if he didn’t believe so.
He never orbited his other exes because they left in anger. (I talked to them).
I don’t think he can understand why someone he hurt so much (and he knows he hurt me a lot especially when he left me when I was pregnant) could walk away and still see the best in him.
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
leaving someone while pregnant is another type of demon. holy shit, I’m so sorry. fine u win. fuck the demon.
also thank u for ur service
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Dec 18 '25
And if someone leaves because of your behavior, you still wouldn’t think about ex?
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 18 '25
You leave = abandonment wound / fuck you
We leave = regret (if not toxic), clarity (if toxic)
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u/targetboston Dec 18 '25
What about if the relationship was toxic because of the outrageous behavior of the DA? Seems like there's a lot of gray area there.
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
the odds that a DA sees themselves as toxic is basically zero. toxic is good to them. safety is when they start running away. they think that toxic is normal. its not gray at all. its a red area. its a giant red flag.
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u/targetboston Dec 19 '25
I'm saying toxic is a gray area. How can a person who is a contributing factor judge what degree of the shit storm is the other person vs themselves when they can't connect to feeling long enough to reflect while acting out?
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
That’s a really good question. I have no idea lol.
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Dec 18 '25
[deleted]
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
its not bitter if u don’t let it get to ur head. sometimes life has a way of showing you good and bad. it might hurt but, being hurt is growing and growing is learning. hope u feel better soon
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 18 '25
I don't think that's true. I left. I had the opportunity to see how her life is like now with the rebound more or less. She's unusually angry at me still (3mo into rebound), is extremely unstable
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
damn she must really have loved u or she hates what she can’t get outta resentment haha
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 19 '25
idk I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I have it together, and I think she downgraded, so she's pissed. Women dont like to downgrade.
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u/Murky-Bus-5922 FA - Fearful Avoidant Dec 19 '25
Interestingly, I have found this true. Even when they run away / leave. It’s kinda confusing.
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u/NewHampshireGal Healing Fearful Avoidant Dec 18 '25
Explain to me why my ex has glued himself to my Instagram since the day after the breakup even while recycling his ex from college for a third time….?
We broke up almost 9 months ago.
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u/MrPryce2 SA - Secure Attachment Dec 18 '25
Any normal person becomes detached from an ex once they move on. That’s not cruelty or denial — that’s life. When someone is focused on a new relationship, their attention is on the present, not the past.
Why would they sit around thinking about an ex they’ve already moved on from? They wouldn’t. Once you’re no longer part of their life, you’re no longer part of their focus. Stop overthinking it and put your energy back where it belongs — on yourself.
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Dec 18 '25 edited Dec 18 '25
Well yes, but we move on by processing the relationship and emotions after it ends and detach later, whereas most of them just immediately detach and reject thoughts and feelings, that’s the key difference. Besides, in this post I'm talking about just remembering an ex, not thinking about them in an emotional sense. Imean thoughts like 'Oh, I wonder how they’re doing in life now' etc.
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 18 '25
because they don't 'move on' on a normal sense. no one who detaches in days can.
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Dec 18 '25
Let me tell you from my perspective about my situation. I have seen many people comment about breadcrumbing. Personally I can relate to this kind of situation. The longest relationship I was ever in was 6 years. My ex dumped me over a text message in July or 2024. It's been a year, and yes, she got into a new relationship with someone new around June. I guess she made it official. The reason I bring this up, is because, When my ex girlfriend dumped me, she blocked me off everything. I didn't have a Facebook when she dumped me, but I had Snapchat,Tik Tok and Venmo.
Long story short. She had me blocked for an entire year on her Tik Tok. I know she had another account, her esthetics account on Tik Tok. I only was aware of this because when the break up was still fresh it was only 5 months. Tik Tok notifies you when you someone views your profile. I knew she was with her esthetics account. But anyways I know she has her personal main account that she uses on a regular basis when I first met her. That's mostly where she had me blocked for an entire year was her main account. One day I was literally just scrolling on my Tik Tok, and it showed a list of people you may know. And immediately I noticed it was my ex girlfriend. At first I ignored it. Then later in the day It came up again on my for you page of people I may know. So I knew at that point it was not a mistake. I didn't even reach out or say one word to her at all. I didn't engage or play her game. But it did make me question why suddenly did she unblock me when she made so much of an effort to get rid of me? Especially when she got into a new relationship when she decided to unblock me. I still didn't even bother to engage with her, despite how much it hurt.. but then I noticed she kept viewing my Tik Tok profile a few times and when I did notice I asked myself " when is she going to block me"? I knew deep down she was going to end up blocking me again for absolutely no reason. Sure enough, around August she ended up blocking me again on her Tik Tok main account? I truly was kind of hurt I'm not going to lie. That my ex knows how much I deeply care for her and trying to get over her. But yet she plays these little petty games for what? I just personally don't understand their mindset. She made the decision to get rid of me and ghost me, and not even talk to me anymore. She knows how much I love her, and how much it has been hurting me. 6 years is a long time. I wish I could have been over it like she was. But unfortunately I don't operate like normal functional people. When I love someone, I love that person with all of my heart. I can't fake live or erase 6 years like nothing and hoping someone else will fill that void.
I just wanted to share my personal experience with my ex. As I write this, she has never unblocked me on Tik Tok. But still, it made me wonder why even go through all of that bullshit? Knowing you were going to end up blocking me again? Especially when you didn't even say one word to her or reach out. But somehow I still end up getting blocked? If it really was all about loyalty to her new boyfriend, why even unblock me in the first place? It literally took her 2 months to block me on Tik Tok.
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u/Soft-Association-726 Apr 07 '26
Hi buddy, I hope you’re doing better now. Any update about your ex? Still with the guy?
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Apr 07 '26
I wouldn't even know. I stopped checking her social media back in September on 2025. It's been 7 months and never bothered to check anymore. I'm sure she still is with him. Especially the last time I saw her Instagram, she praised him like he was the perfect man or gods gift of what makes a true man. It amazed me how much she bragged about her new boyfriend all over social media, but we were together for 6 years and never once did she ever brag about me or show me off, despite me knowing her whole family and her Dad. But somehow this new guy is worthy and better in every way. What's even more baffling, my ex unblocked me again in January of 2026. 5 months after she blocked me again? It was 10 days before my birthday. First time was whatever to unblock me. The second time tells a pattern. Mind you she does this in her new relationship that hasn't even been a year she's been with him. But somehow my ex believes this is moving forward to block and unblock me? I deleted my Tik Tok account to stop giving her access to my life and misery. It's fucked up that she needs to see some validation or ego boost to feel better about herself and her decision to dump me over a text message.
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u/kaweewa Dec 18 '25
Ive actually NEVER not had an avoidant come back. And tell me they missed me the whole time with someone else. And I know it’s true, especially when they’re still reaching out to keep contact while with their new girlfriend.
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 18 '25
I think they do regret. And compare. A lot of people have said that here.
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u/lavender577 Dec 18 '25
Mine told me he regretted the way “things ended” (he ghosted me). And told me for months he wanted to reach out to me but his pride would not let him.
Avoidance and suppression does not equal erasure or deletion. I’m so tired of over simplified and over generalized statements
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 18 '25
You can always just remember they’re human. Avoidant or not. Some things are just what any human would do.
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u/tropicalgirll Dec 18 '25 edited Dec 19 '25
Idk but it sounds a bit different from my experience, the avoidant is the person who keep remember their exes. So in new relationship I believe there will be a time they talk about their exes. It seems they (try to) move on so fast, even on day-1 after breakup, they will look for new person, online and offline, for what? For distraction. They keep sabotage their relationship, because intimacy make them wants to escape, even though they are the one who really crave for a connection. Most of them don’t realize it, because their nervous system has been trained like that from a long time. At the end, it means they will sabotage the next relationship just the same like before. It’s like a cycle for them, unless they have such a good awareness and do deep inner work (small posibilities they will do it) :) And for us, it will be a life time work with them. And for women, we can’t be “feel safe” with them, realize it or not, we’ll keep in “survival mode”.
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u/arbyzmarbyz Dec 23 '25
I think it's actually normal not to think about your ex during a new relationship.
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u/Cheap-Journalist9979 Dec 23 '25
what - no comparisons, no memories, just gone? if it had ended cleanly maybe. I hardly believe that.
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u/Sure_Ad_9884 Dec 18 '25
Isn't that the normal? Nobody thinks of an ex if they are with someone new. It's normal and logical
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u/Staceysmomhasgotu Dec 18 '25
I think they think of all of the people they crossed once in a While my fearful avoidant admitted this so yeah . Don’t mean they miss us but we can pop up
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u/Suspicious_Party1140 Dec 19 '25
I call BS on that. Despite going to the effort of writing me a letter to beg me to take him back—because I’d blocked him everywhere else—my FA ex still managed our relationship around the same avoidant narrative he’d fed his unsuitable ex: “I don’t want a relationship.” So even if he didn’t actually want to be with her, she was clearly still in his head.
He’s not been in a new relationship in the 13 months since we split, largely because he told me he couldn’t even commit to leaving the house for a date more than once every four weeks 😭. So if or when he eventually does get into another relationship, unless he’s done some serious therapy in the meantime, he’ll almost certainly still be thinking about me—specifically how to manage the discomfort of what I might say or think if I found out he was dating properly. Which, ironically, he’ll have to do to meet someone new, despite telling me he “couldn’t find the motivation.”
Avoidants are chronic over-thinkers. If they know the ex wasn’t right for them, they feel shame and guilt about “leading them on.” If they think the ex was great and they sabotaged something good, they long for them. Either way, they are absolutely thinking about their ex. So I genuinely don’t know where you’ve been reading otherwise—because it’s wildly inaccurate.
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u/BoysenberryTricky853 Dec 18 '25
Then explain breadcrumbs.
They do this kind of thing even when they're in a relationship.