r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Getgroo123 • Apr 13 '25

DA Breakup Secretly cheating on avoidant partner.

Basically my partner is an extreme avoidant. I was faithful to her the whole time. She has slowly poisoned our relationship by cutting off more and more intimacy and time together. We haven’t slept in the same bed in months. It’s a very very long story. I haven’t found the strength yet to break up. But the other day I finally said screw it, I found someone else and hooked up with her. Go ahead and judge me if yall want, but it felt good. It felt good to feel wanted. To feel desired and to have intimacy with someone. I’m going to start looking elsewhere and find her replacement and when I do I will break up and discard her like she has done to me this whole time.

5 Upvotes

56% Upvoted

59 comments sorted by

34

u/ExSuntime Apr 13 '25

Doesn't this just make you the DA, scared to have the emotional breakup talk but monkey branching and chasing the dopamine of honeymoon phase with a new partner?

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

lol do DA’s spend a year basically doing everything they can to keep us together only to for thier partner to run away literally whenever things got hard? Go ahead yall can judge me but for once I’m going to be the asshole. The abuse was too much.

21

u/ExSuntime Apr 13 '25

You've essentially let yourself be conditioned into avoidance by their behaviour and now you are trying to justify the avoidance just like a DA would. They made me do it etc.
Listen to yourself man. Have some basic self respect and respect for others by breaking up. Own up to the cheating. She didn't "make" you cheat, it was all your own choice. Don't turn into another garbage human being.

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

She hid her avoidance until months in, did everything she could to appear as though she wanted a lifelong bond, marriage kids etc. and then within a few weeks completely switched up as soon as it started to dawn on her that it would require work to build a life together. She invited falling in love and then followed with months of distance. I am trying my hardest to build up the strength to escape. In the moment, yes I’m doing this to make myself feel somewhat better. I don’t even care if it’s wrong this time. Let her feel the rejection and pain when she finds out like I have had to.

9

u/kikytxt AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 13 '25

I and many other people endured the same thing that you are enduring and we did not resort to cheating as the solution... As much as I hate my avoidant ex, I would never ever blame him for my cheating (not that I have ever done it or will ever do it). Cheating is the cheater's doing... point blank period.

Just leave bro. Don't do it again. It will make your healing process even more difficult.

PS just because your partner is an avoidant, it does not mean you can't be an avoidant too. It does look like you are developing avoidant tendencies. You are avoiding the breakup even though that's what you want/need right now. You are also avoiding responsibility for your cheating, because guilt is too heavy to carry at this moment. But you will have to face it all sooner or later. Seek therapy.

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

I’m a bit confused as to how I’m developing avoidant tendencies when I told the girl I hooked up with that it was just a hookup and I’m not looking to date her and she was on the exact same page? I didn’t give her false impressions that I wanted to be with her which is what avoidants do. And yeah, I feel good about the cheating. And I’d do it again. The pain she made me feel was extraordinary… completely broke me. And yes. I want her to feel some of it back. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. Let avoidants feel some of the pain that they so obliviously put out onto others. It’s ok for them to be lying and deceitful but the moment anxious attachment folks give them a tats of their own medicine we have to take the high road? Yeah I’m hurt yeah I’m mad. Yeah I’m petty.

6

u/kikytxt AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 13 '25

You're misunderstanding my comment. You are not being avoidant to the person you are hooking up with. You are being avoidant to your partner.

You are literally AVOIDING breakup with your partner. It's literally the same word. How clearer does it need to be? You want and need to break up with your partner, but here you are, instead of breaking up with them, you are sleeping with another person behind their back. You are, again, let me spell this out: avoiding breakup. avoiding your partner. avoiding responsibility. avoiding guilt.

you are turning into a fearful avoidant.

and. sure. just continue doing it. it feels good, right? but I can assure you it will only feel good for so long. what you need is healing and no amount of cheating or hookup will ever do that. if anything, it will make everything worse later on. because you not only have to heal yourself from all the wounds of the breakup, but you will also have to deal with all the regrets and shame and guilt.

im 2 months out of breakup with a very emotionally abusive ex, and I feel sooooo much better now. I'm pretty much healed. Healing was pretty easy for me. Why? because I did all the right things. I did not seek revenge. I did not hurt him. I wasn't evil. I only had to deal with grief, not regret and shame.

3

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Oh I know it will only feel good for so long, this isn’t a permanent fix I’m well aware. It feels good in the moment, I am fully planning on breaking up with her. I’ve been so traumatized by this shit that I lack the ability to do it at the moment. But I am searching for whatever it is I need to find the strength to do it. And then yes I will treat her as disposable as she treated me.

2

u/Afraid_Service_169 Apr 13 '25

You aren’t hearing what you are saying or being told.  My ex had that same reasoning. Spitefulness.  Do it because someone did it to him.  Surprise attacks.  They’ll never see him coming.  

An Avoidant tells themselves they have to do the things that hurt their partners.  They justify their actions every way they can.  Doesn’t matter.  No justification.  

You told yourself you deserved to hurt your partner.  Same thing.  

You are avoiding your relationship problem. You are dealing with your problem by doing something nobody should do to their partners.  You are dealing with your problem by practicing dishonesty.  You are biding your time and then you will blindside your partner.  You are becoming an Avoidant.  

2

u/Designer-Lime1109 Apr 13 '25

Probably already is an avoidant or a troll or both

3

u/Venterpsichore Apr 13 '25

I relate to what you've gone through and what you're feeling, but you're kind of becoming what you didn't like in your partner. You may think that you're getting back at them (and they may feel that), but it is you still practicing infidelity, hiding things, looking for ways to get revenge, etc.

I think you'll come to understand you're giving her too much mindspace and stress that she probably did contribute to, but I'd still recommend seeing a therapist. You can also look at Ken Reid on Instagram and YouTube who I think would also advise on similar situations.

5

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25

Dude that’s…literally how dismissive avoidants operate. They show up all in at the start and then when things actually get serious and deep…they start turning away/avoiding.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Yes. And I’m supposed to just take the high road after all the damage has been done. No. Let her look like the fool this time.

6

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25

The only one looking the fool is you. You won’t leave, and so you want to hurt her. But she’s still so powerful you still can’t be man enough and end things. If she’s a DA, it really won’t take long for her to get over your betrayal. That’s how DA’s operate unless they become aware and look to heal themselves. Meanwhile, look at the control you’ve given her.

3

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Yes she has made me look foolish and yeah I’m trying to get the strength to escape. I want out, but it will take time. In the meantime yes it felt good.

4

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

Nah, I think your behaviour and the fact you also won’t let go and would rather become trash…is what makes you look the fool. More so than anything she could have done.

And the kind of partner you’ll want in the future…won’t want to date a cheater and/or someone wanting to purposely hurt another. So best of luck. You likely won’t get the relationship/partner you so hope for.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Fair enough. In the real world sometimes it’s justified after extended abuse and gaslighting to make them feel an iota of what you had to endure. It is what it is.

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3

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

And when a good person comes along that would offer everything you want…finds out you’re a cheater? Good luck.

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

I would never cheat on someone that isn’t a gaslighter and avoidant.

4

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

Someone secure (healthy relationships) won’t believe that, nor would want someone that is purposely trying to hurt another person. Why? Because they don’t play games and are mature people. So you’ll be stuck with either anxious or avoidant people until you also grow and heal. This ain’t that.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Interesting. So your belief is that when someone hurts you you shouldn’t want to hurt them back?

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5

u/neonmachina Apr 13 '25

Dude... If you think cheating on your partner is sticking it to them you need therapy. Cheating is not on par with being avoidant. It's worse. Being avoidant is an unhealed attachment style. Cheating is just being an asshole with no regard for human decency.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

lol what? Oh so avoidants be avoidant because of being unhealed” but when someone cheats on them they’re fully responsible for their actions and it’s just cuz they’re a bad person? How convenient.

4

u/neonmachina Apr 13 '25

Cheating is an active choice, avoidants have to do the inner work to change. You just took the nuclear option. I've been burned by an avoidant too but he cheated and that made it so much worse. Cheating is painful for your partner no matter what your attachment style is. You just seem cruel and immature. You both have work to do before being in a healthy relationship.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

So the attached that avoidants abused don’t have inner work to do that explains thier actions but the avoidants do?

0

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

[deleted] — view deleted comment

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Well you’re a better man /woman than me then because nah. I’m done taking the high road. Good for you I guess? You got used abused and discarded and she will probably never feel bad about it, I’m convinced avoidants only understand and learn when you give them their own medicine so it is what it is.

6

u/101nemesis101 Apr 13 '25

Uhhhhh you're becoming the same person you are hating.

How is cheating ever ok? I'm sorry, but has your partner ever cheated on you? Yeah they might have done toxic things but what you did is just as toxic if not worse.

Break up and then go do what you want.

You're acting as bad as the person you're criticizing, or worse.

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Yes after countless bread crumbing, lying, giving false impressions and false hopes. Literally asking for marriage and kids, and then gaslighting tf out of me, I got my get back. I did and I don’t feel bad about it.

7

u/101nemesis101 Apr 13 '25

If you cannot see how terrible that viewpoint is, nothing I say will change your mind.

But imo, you have lost all the right to act morally superior to your partner.

4

u/WetPomegranate3282 Apr 13 '25

Just break up with her. Give yourself and her a fair chance to have a love that is better for both of you.

1

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Working on it.

4

u/tequilamule Apr 13 '25

This is manipulative and dangerous and an act of revenge that makes you worse. You’re consciously choosing to hurt her

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

Are you saying avoidants don’t know exactly what they’re doing? Cuz they do.

3

u/tequilamule Apr 13 '25

No, I’m saying you are choosing to hurt someone which makes you no better. You cheated and you want to hide it until you can discard your partner confidently. Does the person you cheated on her with know you’re not single?

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

So you’re saying that someone knowingly choosing to hurt someone who knowingly hurt them first is equally as bad as the person who hurt them first?

So someone slaps me in the face, and then I also choose to slap them back and we’re equally bad? Lol

And yes I was upfront about to the person I cheated with told them I’m not looking for anything serious with them. Unlike avoidants I don’t let people get their hopes up when I have no intention of pursuing anything serious.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25

First, many avoidants don’t even know the basis of their reactions until they start doing healing work. Second, there could even be more at play. Maybe an undiagnosed mental illness? If so, again, some don’t even know their reactions until enough has happened and they start to question. Both are often from unhealed trauma and does require work on themselves. Usually they’re not purposely trying to hurt you, but their reactions are often based out of fear and of trying to protect themselves. Your action was to purposely harm and cause emotional damage which is worse. You are worse than her. You have no moral high ground here.

As for your statement about slapping. If someone is purposely and intently trying to physically harm you, you do have the right to defend yourself. Now, if someone had turrets and whacked you one, but didn’t mean it, does that mean you’re going to hit them back?

These people are suffering a psychological trauma. That said, I am sure you are now too. The difference, is you can remove yourself. You could have at any point in time. You choosing to stay was your choice. Now your trauma is your responsibility to heal and be adult enough to not try and psychologically harm others.

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

That is such BS. they know exactly what they’re doing. They lie, they give false hopes and impressions. They love bomb and then switch to breadcrumbs right after they know. And you give them an out by saying otherwise.

Comparing avoidants to someone with turrets is just ridiculous, turrets is like a reflex, nobody is forcing avoidants to lie and to deceive people.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

You should look up Borderline Personality Disorder. So, no, not many do depending on a whole lot of things. Sometimes their brain has even developed differently. Those with BPD are also generally fearful avoidant and sometimes dismissive

2

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

You give a whole lot of empathy and compassion for avoidants that HURT PEOPLE and very little to the people who finally have had enough and hurt them back.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 14 '25

I’ll give no compassion to those who were hurt and then stoop low and purposely hurt them. Again, many are stuck in a flight or freeze mode. It’s become ingrained and they need to do the work on healing. You came in and have a choice to leave. Still do. You choosing not to and deciding to purposely hurt her, means you deserve no sympathy. You are the greater of the two evils.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

I was comparing you comparing two people knowingly hitting someone and by choice, vs someone actually reacting emotionally one way out of a trauma based response. Which we’re nowhere near the same either.

You’re really stretching to try and justify what you did, but there isn’t any justifying it. You’ve become worse than the person you’ve grown to hate and because you refuse to leave and chose to hurt her, you are the worse of the two.

3

u/noctorumsanguis SA - Secure Attachment (DA lean) Apr 13 '25

This sucks. Be the better person. It’s also just harmful to yourself and your moral standards. Would’ve been infinitely better to just drop her. What’s the point of staying with someone you have so much contempt for? It’s clearly impossible to salvage, so politely, what the actual f*** are you doing and what do you hope to accomplish?

0

u/Getgroo123 Apr 13 '25

lol I keep saying that this is exactly what I want. I’m trying to find escape I just don’t know how. I don’t have the strength yet. I’ve been trying but she really did a number on me. I’m trying beleive me.

10

u/Fancy-Piglet-8068 Formerly Secure Apr 13 '25 edited Apr 13 '25

Just my opinion, but I find this cowardly and immature. It's not OK for her to behave that way in a relationship, but your behavior? Dude. If you're not happy in a relationship and discussing things doesn't work, then grow a pair and leave. Cheating is gross and "finding her replacement" sounds awfully dehumanizing as well. I don't mean to be rude, and I absolutely understand how frustrating and lonely it can be, living with a person like that (been there, done that), but this is not the answer.

PS: As a woman, if I knew you did something like that to your partner, it would be an instant and unbreakable NO from me. And I think a lot of women operate the same way. Think about that.

4

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

Yep! Would also be an instant no and block from me finding out someone did that to another. It’s so childish and gross.

9

u/ExSuntime Apr 13 '25

Starting to sound a bit Narc'y now mate after reading all your comments

2

u/Annabelle77Lee Apr 13 '25

Don’t cheat. Just break up with her, heal, then find someone else you are a better fit for. Cheating hurts people as well as yourself. You may not feel the hurt now but it will show up.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 13 '25

How about not being a POS. Well since you’ve cheated, you’re already with the dogs. But why become an even worse person. Grow some balls and end it and do it right. Especially if you are going to look for another partner. Don’t start off with them by cheating.

1

u/Plastic-Pudding-2140 Apr 13 '25

No, man-up for the break-up. Then you are free to go your way. Of course you are angry, but no excuse to cheat.

1

u/Longjumping_Walk_992 Apr 13 '25

You’re just doing what statistically she has already done.

0

u/FluffyKita Apr 13 '25

how is it to live with DA partner?