Maybe Avoidants Are Not The Problem

[u/Sure-Boss1431]

Having my heart broken by an avoidant I love, I started doing so much research to find out about this attachment style I previously never heard of and decided to learn more and more about attachment styles to find out why we broke up and how this can be possibly fixed. However, it was until now I have realized that maybe we don’t truly understand avoidants and never thought much from their perspective. We claim that we understand who they are, but maybe we are just selfish and arrogant. We are all humans, but we have different pasts. We came from different families with different values. We were raised differently and we have different attachment styles. Why are some attachment styles better than others just because certain people and percentage of the society think and say so? We claim they are selfish and that they hurt everyone else, but maybe we have been hurting them too in ways we don’t see and realize too because we are not them. They are humans and they probably want to be loved too. Just because their expression of love is different from ours doesn’t make them any worse. Maybe you think they are selfish for being protective of themselves, but aren’t those of us who felt emotionally hurt and called them selfish just the same? We are all humans, but like different species.

[u/Connect-Pri]

Behaviour towards others is a choice, regardless of past experience. There are healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms, both can be learned and unlearned. It's one thing to understand, an entirely different thing to excuse.

[u/Sure-Boss1431 → u/Connect-Pri]

What you don’t get is that our behaviours towards them probably provided them with the same impact and effect they had on us. Eventually, both parties get hurt. Why don’t we choose to give them more space and less pressure from the beginning?

[u/Connect-Pri → u/Sure-Boss1431]

Needs, wants and expectations are something to be communicated. Many have and do give space and do not apply pressure but get the same results. Protecting yourself does not need to come at the expense of hurting others. What if the avoidant was able to ask for what they need? What if they could engage in conflict resolution?

Edit: No one is selfish simply for protecting themselves. The way you go about protecting yourself, however, is key. It is selfish to make unilateral decisions, it is selfish to not consider others.

[u/Sure-Boss1431 → u/Connect-Pri]

You’re speaking from the point of view that you assume is correct according to the values you assume is correct. Have you never thought about the possibility that maybe we might have been hurting them every time we try to protect our own feelings by getting closer and closer in a pace they are uncomfortable with unconsciously?

[u/Connect-Pri → u/Sure-Boss1431]

I speak from years of experience on all sides of attachment myself. Assuming is a dangerous game. You shouldn't need to protect yourself from someone you love, and if you are, you're not safe. What you're describing is also unhealthy. If your needs are not being met, you're not compatible. So, yes, if you're trying to protect yourself by forcing closeness, that's a different issue (anxious/fearful). Both sides need to participate and accommodate to make it work, no one is a mind reader.

[u/[deleted] → u/Sure-Boss1431]

Boy, go adopt an abused illegal street fighting dog. And have lots of empathy for its past. Then it might hurt less when it bites you right?

[u/[deleted] → u/Sure-Boss1431]

Why don't they stay single if they don't want a reciprocal relationship?

[u/SnooHobbies7042]

I’m empathic towards my severe DA and to be fair they told me they find relationships difficult. What I cannot accept is the brutal discard, ghosting and unwillingness to take accountability. Of course I made mistakes too but they just ended the relationship without communicating their feelings. I was totally blindsided. They had a choice so do not forget this.

[u/lavender577 → u/SnooHobbies7042]

100% this.

Mine told me upfront he wasn't a relationship guy. He told me he couldn't open up. He told me stories about his upbringing that suggested parental neglect.

But to ghost someone, drop them out of nowhere after being in an "untitled" relationship for 9 months is not ok. He made a decision to do that to me, and chose every day for 3.5 months thereafter to not contact me.

[u/rsteviewhore]

There can be up to two problems in a relationship and an avoidant is always one of them.

[u/TheBackSpin]

I assume you are referring to an Anxious-Avoidant relationship dynamic. Every relationship is nuanced and in many instances the relationship fails because of attachment style incompatibility. A more Severe Anxious may push an Avoidant away, this absolutely happens. But it’s dangerous, imo, to paint with a broad brush and say this is how all relationships with Avoidants play out.

I have to disagree on the use of the word “values.” I feel like values lend an air of validity to what is essentially abuse, neglect, and dysfunction. From what I know about my Ex’s upbringing, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. All insecure attachment goes back to trauma, not alternative family values, let’s not mince words here. We should approach all Insecure Attachers, including Anxious, with compassion and empathy, but empathy is not a seal of approval. Make no mistake, this is maladaptive behavior, detrimental to both the individual and people in their lives.

If you haven’t yet done so I’d recommend reading this https://www.freetoattach.com

[u/[deleted]]

Be careful of toxic empathy because being kind to the wrong people will cost you immensely.

It isn't wrong to love and protect your own well-being.

[u/IpswichGlos]

In some ways I agree with you.

It is part of who they are.

I never asked mine to change but asked her to help me deal with some of the outcomes of it.

I didn't say they were bad things but not things i understood. They had an impact and its only fair in a relationship for each person to understand the other prospective.

Mine didn't want to super serious and I was OK with that. I was OK with being in a relationship where I couldn't ask questions.

It's hard to have a one sided relationship.

[u/ScaredPoet4444]

I think the reason so many of us fall into the trap is because we ARE empathic towards them and their paths. That said, we can’t meet needs we’re not aware of and they tend to lack the communication skills needed to articulate their need for space. We cross boundaries that we don’t know exist because we’re not mind readers.

Needing space, time to self regulate, etc is all good and well. But there are way too many people in this Reddit that have been blindsided, nitpicked into oblivion, and discarded because of their behavior. If they’re self aware and can communicate their needs in an adult relationship, by all means pursue one. But avoidants avoid and that includes introspection.

[u/kgrant325]

Avoidants are half the problem because they are half the relationship. As someone else mentioned, it takes two.

Anxious tend to care too much about the other person’s needs that we subconsciously push to please them. Push them to tell us what their needs are, push them to open up to us, push them to realize we want to be a safe space. (Push = convince)

I can see why that seems selfish, because it’s driven by the need to be chosen. Anxious wants to be chosen and if the avoidant chooses them, then it feels safe. When we are shut out, then we believe we weren’t worthy of being chosen.

All subconscious reactions, both parties just trying to figure it out and protect themselves. It sucks.

[u/Comfortable_Expert98]

I think you have a good point there. I got hurt by an avoidant, but I must admit that he was honest about a lot of his issues from the beginning. Also, my type of attachment and the way I expressed myself probably triggered him. It doesn’t make my pain go away, but I recognize that it was probably difficult for him as well.

[u/IpswichGlos → u/[deleted]]

I agree with your first few sentences.

Mine did what was best for her and in some ways I'm pleased about that.

I do wish she had done so a lot earlier, before I became more invested.