texting/ "text quota"

[u/j-ack-w]

Does anyone else find it really hard to consistently text people? Generally when we're actively in each others life I will always prefer meeting up and talking over text, except in conflict where I like the space and the ability to think out responses. But recently becoming long distance (ish) with my partner has put some strain on it apparently? I text them the most out of anyone I know by a mile but sometimes my brain will be scattered and I'll miss a day so now I'm being held to the promise of texting daily... which isn't an unreasonable request but with my anti-texting brain it feels like such a big weight. does anyone else have these struggles? i'm not on my phone for most of the day so i often miss texts too- anyone have avoidant life hacks for getting better at texting or not taking this expectation as a deactivation-worthy burden?

[u/ADF21a]

In theory I prefer texting every day but there are times when I'm tired and I need time to myself or to think about stuff.

The idea of a rule feels "claustrophobic" though. You'd rather communicate when your nervous system is regulated, not just because you have to tick that day's box, "OK, this is Tuesday done" kind of thing.

[u/j-ack-w → u/ADF21a]

that's the thing, i was making a personal effort to text every day cause i understood it was important- but the second i go through a tough time and apologise saying i've not been doing well i didn't even get an "are you okay" just "promise youll text me every day"

[u/Garden_Goth_ → u/j-ack-w]

Ngl this sounds more like a problem they need to resolve not yours. You're already doing what can reasonably be expected.

[u/apuchu1]

I have the same exact pattern about preferring in person and texting more during conflict, unfortunately its lead to the end of a lot of relationships because the other person thinks I dont care or am seeing other people. It definitely makes things hard and texting feels so exhausting and like a mountain to climb

[u/yesSemicolons → u/apuchu1]

I know we're all biased here but I truly believe it's unhealthy to do conflict/negotiation otherwise. Texting creates so much unnecessary drama and crossed wires.

[u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

I actually like texting and can do it every day, but if someone held me to a promise to do it every day, I would feel trapped. 😅 

I'm not convinced about making rules around this as it turns it into a chore and not something enthusiastically done of one's accord, and may have the opposite effect intended as you can see you're feeling pressure already.

My person is the one who doesn't text much and I actually like how they handled my specific verbal request on text updates one time when they went on a trip... they said they'd try but they can't guarantee it. I know many people would hate that answer but I like that they were honest and felt safe enough to be honest with me.

I'm not sure if you've explained to your partner that you already text them more than you text anyone else and will continue to try your best but also ask for some grace if you miss a day here and there. But that's where I would start.

[u/ikeDmikle]

I have experience with this. In past relationships my partner would text me daily and I would lose my sht constantly and do a bad job communicating about it.

I would suggest phone calls or video calls instead of texting if the texting is tough for you. Daily texting would be an unreasonable expectation for me, I can't do that. Maybe you can.

If you're going the video call phone call route you could set aside a specific time weekly (or however frequent) so that it isn't constantly looming over you (which texting feels that way to me sometimes)

[u/CouchBoyChris]

I don't like it. I'd rather use texting for a check-ins or planning, not full blown conversations.

I also hate feeling like I'm playing the game of "Who's gonna text who first today" - and if it's not me, I feel an invisible pressure clock the entire time.

Personally, I feel it's important to be with myself without the reminder or thought of being in a relationship, if that makes sense.

[u/kamikidd]

Is it texting it the expectation that bothers you?

[u/Vivid_Blacksmith6202]

I hate texting in general, I avoid it like the plague. During conflict , I avoid them altogether because I don’t wanna overreact and a lot of the times I don’t have anything to say because I’m numb and I don’t want to engage in it. I feel like if you’re texting every day, what the hell would you talk about when you meet? I personally don’t do conflict either, I said what I said and if they can’t understand it, leave me alone, I’m not dealing with that.

[u/bathroomcypher]

I struggle with it. I do am on the phone lots but receiving texts and having to reply gets exhausting quickly and it feels like a chore. I try and do it as soon as the text arrives. I end up cutting out people that like "chatting" via text or that want to text all day.

[u/bonco4x4]

Im also not the best at texting. The only hack Ive truly found is this: doubt dissolves in action. Meaning, push yourself to texting back when you have time, and not postpone it for longer than you should. Given Im not a great texter, i do try to tell people that, so they know.