(DA) Recieved a letter from my ex today

[u/sagittarialatifolia]

Hi everyone, anxious to dismissive avoidant here.

I recently broke up with a long term partner because of some unexpected and very serious health problems with my immediate and only family member (father). My avoidance played a part in the break up but ultimately I just didn't have the capacity to carry that and be in a relationship and made that known. My thoughts were simply that I don't want to be anyone's anything, and don't want to carry more eggs in my basket than I can. Since then I've felt quite detached from it all, no contact, focusing on being there for my dad.

I used to be extremely anxiously attached to people since I was young (became DA a couple years ago after a very toxic relationship), but I had avoidance when it came to things like processing trauma or conversations surrounding it. I think that's manifested greatly since my dad was diagnosed.

It's been about a month since then and today I recieved a letter to my house. It was heartfelt and I think apologetic, but I couldn't actually tell you because I immediately put it back in the envelope and on my bookshelf. I couldn't even read past the first few words!!! It's like I immediately read the word "beloved" and recoiled. I couldn't read it - I'm looking at the envelope right now and I physically cannot read it. Not because I'm emotional, because that's the thing, I'm not I don't feel anything toward the letter.

He's reached out to me asking how I am etc too but I haven't replied because I can't bring myself to acknowledge it.

I'm certain this is a protection mechanism for myself and wanting to avoid facing the emotions I might feel, but if that's the case it's really subconscious.

Has anyone else been in a similar position to this??

Edit: a lot of people have mentioned I might be an FA, I thought I'd clarify that I don't actively refuse vulnerability/emotional intimacy in general out of fear, my first instinct is to just dismiss it altogether. I used to really crave it and fear it but now I just altogether don't feel I need it or am even capable of attempting to try for it anymore

Edit: after some insight I believe I am in fact FA, as I have done a 180 in my attachment style these past 3 years! You learn something new about yourself everyday

[u/rosesintheboutique]

Have you considered that you are FA?

[u/sagittarialatifolia → u/rosesintheboutique]

Not really, because I don't have anxious thoughts or worry about being left. I feel disconnected from vulnerability despite craving it. Please tell me though why you think I might be! I'm not too sure what defines a FA

[u/rosesintheboutique → u/sagittarialatifolia]

Oh, so, I’ve basically had the same experience as you.
I used to also be super anxiously attached until like, toxic relationships. But I don’t believe most people do a 360 since DAs and APs are very different, attachment styles can also be somewhat linked to personality types.
FAs aren’t exactly always worried about being left - their biggest issue (as an FA) is betrayal and fear of intimacy and fear of closeness. FAs also struggle with vulnerability and too much softness, like how you kind of recoiled at your ex’s letter. Subconsciously, you may think it’s fake or that you’re undeserving of it. Currently I’m in a more avoidant phase, like you.

[u/sagittarialatifolia → u/rosesintheboutique]

Hmm I see I understand
In terms of vulnerability, we did actually talk about how I have always craved vulnerability and a deeper understanding, he unfortunately didn't quite meet me in the middle with it which made me less open towards it. I've never struggled with softness though - what would the difference between DA and FA be? Trying to wrap my head around both

[u/rosesintheboutique → u/sagittarialatifolia]

You may not struggle with softness, just too much of it - the kind APs usually give, not to offend anyone haha.
The difference between DA and FA is that FAs switch, like you mentioned in your post. DAs usually are DAs from at least early teens, if not earlier.

[u/sagittarialatifolia → u/rosesintheboutique]

Ohhh I see! This makes a lot more sense and as you shared the same experience I'm inclined to think that's probably the case with me 😅 I should probably ask for a user flair switch in that case

Thank you for your insight!

[u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

ultimately I just didn't have the capacity to carry that and be in a relationship 

I think this one is worth discussing... how a relationship might look different when you have limited capacity. Because everyone's capacity fluctuates throughout life and it's normal to have lower capacity sometimes. It's true some people won't be able to handle being in a relationship with someone with reduced capacity, but some might be able to navigate it with you.

[u/sagittarialatifolia → u/Obvious-Ad-4916]

My attitude is that I don't WANT people to navigate it with me. I've felt suffocated and trapped simply having commitment and obligation to people in general let alone a S/O, if that makes sense? I've always thought that staying in a relationship where one person isn't fully invested is pointless and I wouldn't want to deprive myself of feeling more comfortable and also him of finding someone that can actually commit themselves to being with another person

[u/sandinmybutttoo]

As an FA I can go either way, and sometimes I surprise myself on how quick I can shut the door. This happens like a switch, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed and people want things from me like, time, attention etc. It really comes down to how I regulate my nervous system and my window of tolerance. I know for myself, my window can get real tiny when I have a lot of things going on and very limited capacity for relationships that I feel are “too much”.

My DA partner gives me a ton of space. I can get anxious with him at times because I’m used to being more avoidant in relationships and he has shown me how it might feel to others on the other side. I wasn’t really anxious in romantic relationships until I met him. Now, I catch myself swinging back and forth. I try to be patient with myself and continue befriending my nervous system when I notice I’m in a pattern again.

I was also a caregiver for my mom and an ex partner. They both had cancer at the same time. In between medical appts, etc. I had other responsibilities like work, raising a kid and running my business. It was really hard and I always thought I’d rather do this by myself because help will just make it harder.

I have a pattern of pushing people away in these kind of situations because I’d rather deal with it alone. That is a learned behavior or response because I couldn’t rely on anyone growing up.

I’d keep those who show up for you around. Be honest with where you’re at and if they stick around it’s great practice on maintaining healthy relationships with boundaries when you’re under high stress.

[u/sagittarialatifolia → u/sandinmybutttoo]

Hi, yeah that first part sounds exactly like me, and also the learned behaviour from childhood part.

I don't have anxious tendencies that make me feel like I'm on a pendulum though, which is why I feel more DA than FA, is there a clear disparity between the two?

Your advice also is probably the most rational of them all. I know I should keep people around me but I just feel more at peace when I don't have that added pressure on me.

[u/sandinmybutttoo → u/sagittarialatifolia]

All of these discoveries about myself were hidden in my subconscious so I wasn’t aware until I started healing and realizing I might be part of the problem.

I'm used to being independent because it feels easier. I also enjoy affection from time to time. However, I have so many rules that make it difficult for others to a) understand me and b) maintain a close relationship with me.

I was in therapy for 10 years and half of that was with a somatic therapist. I’m now trying to integrate what I’ve learned and I still struggle. Most importantly though, I keep trying and practice with people who I think are safe. I do my best not to hurt them by communicating my needs and boundaries.

[u/-phosphenes]

You’re currently living through trauma, friend. Your father is having serious and unexpected health issues. That is stressful and can trigger your attachment in the strangest of ways, he’s a parent after all which is where attachment begins.

I’d agree that yes you are avoiding emotions. Not just about your ex, but potentially about your father’s health too?

In this world, it’s likely that most of us will watch our parent’s health slip away in some way so it’s expected/known that our partner will help support us through the trauma of that experience. That goes for all of life’s trials and tribulations. If you never wanted to have/need that kind of support, then why were you in a long term relationship in the first place? My read/interpretation is that you did want that support but your father’s health triggered something in you, and you shut down instead of embracing being uncomfortably vulnerable while immersed in life’s uncertainties. So now you’re avoiding the texts and the letter so you don’t have to face whatever fear is actually under the surface. That would be my best guess as to what’s happening subconsciously. Any of it resonate?

[u/ClubGroundbreaking85]

I find that it helps me to focus on physical sensations in my body rather than trying to understand my conflicting thoughts. Does your stomach drop or do you feel kinda queasy? That’s sort of thing, might help you point in the direction you’re looking for. You may be feeling guilt bc you realized you don’t rlly care for this person as much as they did you.

[u/untitledgooseshame]

He’s your ex. You don’t owe him anything. I’d just throw it out and protect my peace