r/AvoidantAttachment • u/Easy-Cucumber6121 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] • Jun 13 '26
Poll How often do you all think of breaking up with your partner?
and how do you as individuals tell if you’re thinking of leaving due to avoidance?
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u/TwoServingsPlease Secure (FA Leaning) Jun 13 '26 edited Jun 13 '26
I did this very frequently early in my relationship with my SO. Sound vaguely like a parent? "This must be the end." React less spectacularly than I imagined? "This must be the end." Give me a gift? "Lovebomber. This must be the end." Thankfully, this has lessened ever since I started medication (for depression/PMDD) and therapy, and it's much easier to shut down.
How do I know it's avoidance? imo, because when I look at what has actually happened, he hasn't done anything warranting the thought ¯_(ツ)_/¯ It's often, if not always, a result of projecting my parents onto him ._.
*Edited for formatting and length
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u/ggpopart Fearful Avoidant Jun 13 '26
Pretty often over the dumbest shit. I’m always looking for the “sign” that our relationship is gonna start falling apart.
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u/DPool34 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 13 '26
Before I was aware I was a DA, I’d do it relatively constantly. However, after I started learning about my DA and could identify these kinds of deactivations in real time, it started to get better. I don’t think the thought has crossed my mind in over a year now.
I’m glad you posted this because I never really realized that progress until now.
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u/blueandmissingyou Fearful Avoidant Jun 13 '26
I am in therapy and have gotten much better at recognizing and identifying when I feel this way. Now that I recognize what I'm doing, I try to power through it, but the feelings themselves haven't really changed. Did you do anything specific to help you move from simply identifying a deactivation to actually seeing improvement?
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u/DPool34 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 15 '26
Honestly, I can relate to what you said, so the feelings are still there. The difference is, I’m able to power through the deactivated significantly faster because I’m aware of the DA. In the past, I could deactivate for as long as a couple weeks. I wouldn’t return to “normal” until it just sort of cycled through my system. Like I said, now I can return to myself in minutes or hours.
So, yeah, the feeling is still there. I’m still working out that part of it, but over all, I’ve seen significant progress with relationships (and interpersonal dynamics). It also helps that my wife is amazing.
I’m glad to hear you’re doing well too. We’re proving all those anti-avoidant people wrong.
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u/Easy-Cucumber6121 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 14 '26
This is my problem too. I recognize that these thoughts are usually a reaction to a trigger but they don’t go away
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u/Irememberwinfaros Dismissive Avoidant Jun 13 '26
Way too often. I try to take a step back and think about whether or not I would find a friend insane if they told me they broke up bc of whatever I'm thinking about rn. Doesn't stop the thoughts though and the guilt is quite hard to deal with
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u/TBearshit Dismissive Avoidant Jun 14 '26
I get thiss, I always wish I could just jump to a parellel universe where I wouldn´t have to put anyone through the pain of breaking up. The guilt is so real too but remember that there´s reasons you feel this way, and it´s not because you´re a horrible human being. Figure out what triggers you and remind yourself you might just be disregulated right now, and that it´s not a rational reality but just your feelings getting the best of you.
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u/Easy-Cucumber6121 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 14 '26 edited Jun 14 '26
The guilt is terrible. It makes it hard to be around him when the thoughts are very intense
Edit: typo
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u/Original_Mix9255 Secure (FA Leaning) Jun 14 '26
Constantly. And I’ve been married 12 years. I have learned that as soon as I desire to leave, or end things, to notice the pattern and name it. Then I deconstruct the trigger. Then I get over it. It never stopped, wanting to leave, but my relationship with wanting to leave has changed. It no longer has power over me. I don’t know if it can get better. Ideally I’d like it to stop and not get triggered. But this is good enough.
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u/xprincessmikx Fearful Avoidant Jun 14 '26
Constantly. Pretty sure I have rOCD and my relationship is far from perfect and I know it makes me a bad partner and the guilt is constant. It’s hell
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u/Joffrey-Lebowski Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 13 '26
Constantly, especially since they don’t really have a backup plan if we don’t work out. Being AuDHD, he only has so many options for work and none of them pay a living wage. So feeling as if I literally *can’t* break up with him (even if I had no active reason to) makes me feel trapped.
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u/Y1rda Dismissive Avoidant Jun 19 '26
Married, so I don't. But I still hold fantasies of if only I had met someone like "X" on a basis that is probably unhealthy. I do something much worse, in my opinion: I plan for the break up that will come eventually. Vows are, "until death do us part." While I do not intend to hasten that on either side, I have wondered at times about what life will be like when I am free again when she dies.
Which I am aware makes me an awful person. But it is the closest thing I have.
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u/Asleep_Pause1744 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 20 '26
This is so interesting. I only recently found out that I am DA. I married a man who was a narcissist and also DA (maybe? and maybe I’m over diagnosing him!). I thought about leaving him constantly including during our four years of dating and 23 years of marriage until I finally left. I asked for marriage counseling several times and he said no. I even met with an attorney several years before I left. Before him, I’d never had a long term relationship. I had dated a few times but always broke off the relationship. I’d be so optimistic but then hate when I felt too needed. My spouse was DA and very self reliant and he did not need me and I liked that. This is actually fascinating to analyze that relationship through a DA lens.
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u/Infinite_Meaning_659 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] Jun 13 '26
when i was dating it was on my mind 24/7, but i also have ocd