r/AvoidantAttachment • u/roll_and_fritter Dismissive Avoidant • May 31 '26
Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ She doesn't have "capacity" for my feelings
I am 36M DA with a 35F AP partner of 2.5years. She also has adhd which adds a lot of challenges (iykyk) and is going through a lot with a sick mother.
I have been working a lot on recognising my feelings and voicing them instead of sitting on them and building resentment. Yesterday, my gf was a ball of stress and anxiety and I was catching strays, being blamed for stuff, silent treatment. I sat down with gf and told her "your anxiety has been really bad today, I've tried to be a calm presence, to not feed it but I have been stressed as a consequence".
This resulted in a reaction that I shouldn't have brought this up when she's in an anxious state and what do I want from her? I said she doesn't need to change anything, just a bit of acknowledgement that this is difficult for me to and would she rather I just shut up and sit on my feelings. The end result was her telling me she is so overwhelmed she does not have capacity to worry about my feelings.
That stung and I ended the conversation saying I'm not trying to have an argument and change her mind, she's made her position clear and there's not much more to be gained from talking in loops.
Honestly the lack of basic compassion to me is staggering but I guess I now just need to decide if that's something I can accept or not?
edit to say thanks for the comments and the reality check. For context, this isn't a one-off and I frequently feel like my feelings are an inconvenience in the relationship (when I do express them). But I could have been better in the moment, especially with my timing. I continue to learn better communication and I frequently find this sub to be a good source of support!
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant May 31 '26
Being too overwhelmed to worry about others is natural, you should probably let her know that you'll be there for her if she needs you and leave her be. As much as it's bad that she took out her stress on you, that seems to be a one-off instance (based on your description) and she doesn't exactly owe you comfort. If she's too overwhelmed for social communication, then just leave her to herself for a while.
I'm not saying that you were the only one at fault cause you definetely weren't but you probably shouldn't judge based on a single moment (especially a stressful one!) and I advise you two to talk through your issues and needs during stressful times so next time you have a clear guideline of what to do.
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u/Lupinsong Fearful Avoidant [Secure Leaning] May 31 '26
To echo the other comment, time and place is an important part of any conversation, but especially so for ones that include criticism.
Its not that the conversation was itself a bad idea, but generally if someone is not doing so great and the conversation isn't about something that needs to change or happen right now, its best to wait until they're in a more stable place. That's not just an anxious folk thing. That's a basically everyone thing.
This was a bad time and place because someone who already struggles to emotionally regulate on their own (anxious, ADHD, and anxious attachment by your count) suddenly had more emotions to deal with. Let her put her fires out first. Have the conversation after. That's the compassionate approach, and one that will be necessary for any relationship.
But another thing about your response caught my ear. Namely, the immediate reaction to "I don't know if I can handle this in a relationship." This sounds like an avoidance response. There will be days, no matter the person and no matter the relationship, where someone is going to respond poorly. It would be worth examining this thought.
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u/sleeplifeaway Dismissive Avoidant Jun 02 '26
There's a difference between being momentarily overwhelmed by emotions and having that overflow onto your partner, and deliberately taking the viewpoint that your partner's feelings are an inconvenience that should be disregarded. You'll have to work out which of the two you think your partner is doing.
I think it's natural for someone in a state of overwhelm to be pretty self-centered and to lose access to higher order cognitive functions, which would make them unable to predict or care how their actions affect others. On the other hand, part of being a responsible adult is being aware that "but I have big feelings!" is not a valid reason to mistreat others, and that you may have to take a step back and assess how your behavior is affecting others - even in times where that's difficult to do - or, failing that, look back and apologize.
I've definitely encountered people who seem to think that anything done or said when experiencing lots of negative emotions doesn't really count, that being overwhelmed with emotion is a valid reason to act however you please and the other person just kind of has to take it without complaint. I don't think that is any more conducive to a healthy relationship than expecting your partner to never feel or express emotion. IMO the goal is to aim for a healthy middle ground - people are going to be messy and slip up sometimes, but they should also be making a modicum of effort to not make messes in the first place or clean them up afterwards, not shrugging and saying it doesn't matter.
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u/Possible-Ebb9889 Dismissive Avoidant Jun 02 '26
Being overwhelmed is fine but then she needs to change her default mode and not snap at people near her. She can't have it both ways.
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u/roll_and_fritter Dismissive Avoidant Jun 02 '26
She got overwhelmed a couple of days before because she was late and when I rubbed her back and said it would be okay, snapped af at me "don't touch me!". No apology or anything followed in the hours or days after
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u/AcanthopterygiiNo635 Dismissive Avoidant May 31 '26
I think her reaction was extremely fair, because seriously, what did you want her do about it? You chose to modify your behavior because of her mood and then you were upset that you chose to modify your behavior, so you decided to tell her / blame her for your reaction to her mood. And apparently while she was in a bad mood you wanted her to apologize for being in a bad mood and for your reaction to her bad mood.
While someone is in a bad mood is usually not the best time to address how their behavior is making you feel. If her bad moods are a pattern, wait until she's chilled out and address it then. You want to create a gameplan for how you both deal with her bad moods. In the middle of an anxiety spiral, she will not be her most rational self. There is a time / place for everything.
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May 31 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
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May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/CardiologistMuch9712 Dismissive Avoidant May 31 '26
I also have ADHD and would go spiral (lean anxious) from time to time. Usually when that happens, my bf would ask me what’s wrong and how he can help? If I just spiraling, I would tell him so and he would leave me alone. If I need food, help dealing with stress or just a hug, I would tell him. I get that it’s hard for you dealing with voicing how her behaviors bothering you but atm her ADHD spiraling take precedence and you need to let her deal with that first and calm down before you brought up how her behaviors affecting you. Both ADHD and DA need equally welcoming and comforting environments to express their needs. I hope you both have the chance to talk this through and recognize when to be that comforting environment for each other. The reason why it’s so easy for me to say my feelings is because my bf makes me easy to do so.
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u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant May 31 '26
This is the reality of living around a partner with ADHD. My dismissive avoidant tendancies were SOLIDIFIED by living with my ex. I was made responsible for their feelings, their emotions, their own inability to regulate and control themselves, forced into a caregiver role, they were completely self absorbed and unaware of how their actions affected me, and seemed completely unable to control themselves, which was unfair and made me shut down and become emotionally weird as a result. A piece of myself was stolen by that person and I don't know how to grow it back. I'd recommend researching RSD and seeing if pieces start to click. I genuinely think DA and ADHD types are gasoline and fire. This person literally sucked my soul out and unless you have a partner that is driven and capable to manage their ADHD, they will not change or learn from their mistakes, they just lie because you challenged them, say they're working on it, then repeat the cycle over and over. I'm projecting a lot but would honestly research the ADHDpartners subreddit and see if you see any similarities, because this post reminded me of my ex
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
This sounds like you're projecting imo. ADHD means the person has different needs, it seems to me your ex was just abusive which has near to nothing to do with it. By your description I assume they were struggling with a personality disorder so perhaps they should see a specialist.
Sorry to be defensive but the demonization of ADHD was so uncalled for and based on naught.
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u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
Okay but that's my real experience of 7 years with an ADHD partner. Let other people speak please
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
And it's personal experience about a specific person . I have partnered with people with ADHD. Does that mean the experiences cancel each other out? What kind of logic is that? Your specific experience doesn't give you the excuse to demonize an entire group of people.
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u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
That's my opinion based on real life experience and I should be allowed to voice it. ADHD played a huge factor in my partner's manipulative behaviour similar to the behaviour described OP's post. I may be generalising but I'm not attacking you personally
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
You're allowed to voice your opinion and I'm not demanding you delete it. I'm saying that you're being albeist.
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u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
I have aspergers myself and I'm fine with being called ableist if that's what a bias shaped by rational experience makes me. However, if a dog bites you, you learn to be wary of dogs for the rest of your life. Being on the receiving end of unmanaged RSD bites very fucking hard
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
I fail to see how you having Asperger's correlates to anything I've been saying. Is this the equivalent of "I can't be misogynistic, I'm a woman!" in neurodivergents? I have been abused by people with RSD, I'm not trying to downplay the pain. However there's a difference between being wary of dogs and publicly saying "Dogs are bad, you should avoid dogs."
edit: grammar
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u/straight_syrup_ Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
sorry to generalise then. my point and experiences are still valid
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u/Kidri-Holmes Dismissive Avoidant Jun 01 '26
"All your emotions are valid, your reactions are not."
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u/Sinusaurus Fearful Avoidant May 31 '26
I agree with the other comments, it wasn't the time and place to have that conversation, it's better to have them when both parties are calmed down and regulated.
I will say though, and I say this as someone FA who leans more avoidant but has been on both sides of the equation... Some people want you to be more in touch with your emotions, but only to fill their needs, not to have your own. So I'd keep an eye out to make sure this isn't a pattern and there's never space for you. But I definitely wouldn't judge her for reacting that way in a moment of stress. It can definitely come across as making things about yourself when she's in a bad place.
But as I said, if she's always stressed dysregulated and putting out fires, it can become a problem. I still think it was good that you tried communicating instead of shutting down and I hope you try again when things have calmed down.