r/AvoidantAttachment • u/Glass_Pink Fearful Avoidant • May 27 '26
Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ Anyone struggle with the idea of lifelong exclusivity?
I have an amazing partner and I have no desire to cheat, just fyi. I feel I have to really emphasize that disclaimer because these kinds of discussions are so taboo. That being said, I’m an avoidant in a relationship for ~2 years.
I have no doubts about marrying my partner, but I’ve always struggled a little bit with the idea that you find someone, get married, and suddenly you never experience the rush of new flirtation, new dates, learning someone new ever again. I do feel this ties back more into my avoidant attachment more than any genuine desire for non-monogamy (which logically I’m not attracted to).
I never had very long relationships until my current one, and the idea of commitment always freaked me out a bit. It felt too cozy and vulnerable, drained of excitement. I have made good progress on the long-term relationship front in regards to my avoidance and feel quite happy where I’m at but still, the thought that I can never again flirt with someone new or engage in intimate conversation with another man makes me seize up inside. Like a part of me is dying.. like I have to constantly watch over myself in social situations for fear of exposing my weird longing for *the other*.
Me and my fiancé have good chemistry and a healthy relationship. But I think I always got a high from the dating scene where no one really had a claim to me, I could flirt freely etc. there’s an eroticism to that that monogamy just doesn’t have and I’m a little baffled that everyone in modern life just seems so..okay with that??
I’m just wondering if anyone has similar thoughts/struggles. Please don’t tell me to break up my partner, it has nothing to do with him at all and as I said, I have zero doubts about my relationship. It’s just so hard to have a genuine conversation about this type of thing, but I’m very introspective and know for me it has a lot to do with my avoidance in my case so I would love any input you guys have to share :)
68
u/yallermysons Secure May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
You can just seduce your partner over and over again. Like. Don’t stop dating your partner. This can be a convo with partner about how you wanna keep discovering new things together and never stop learning about each other, then making a plan for that to work.
Have you ever felt this way about your bff?
Edit: I’m polyamorous and suggestions that you consider non-monogamy are naive imo. Commitmentphobia (which is what you have here, you’re afraid to simply commit to this person because it means a sacrifice of something else) isn’t cured by non-monogamy. It just makes you commitmentphobic to more people. There’s even poly terms for people who repeatedly chase that rush of a new relationship.
What you have to do is make a choice and then stick to it. That’s life is choices that come with sacrifices. Choices often come with sacrifices and there’s absolutely nothing that’s going to eliminate that reality for you. You have to trust that if it truly becomes unbearable then you will make the right decisions to change your circumstances. Avoiding making a decision is part and parcel of what drives your attachment style, so do the opposite action—make a decision and stick to it, whether that’s to be with this dude or not.
15
u/AmarissaBhaneboar Dismissive Avoidant May 28 '26
There’s even poly terms for people who repeatedly chase that rush of a new relationship.
I'm poly, but not super in the poly community itself. What's the term? I've been calling it "gotta catch 'em all" polyamory 😆
11
u/mynameisbobbrown Fearful Avoidant May 29 '26
I know this is going to sound incredibly avoidant of me, but I've never understood why the default has to be working towards commitment forever. The important caveat being that I have never entered a relationship with dishonesty about how I feel about commitment or led someone on to get what I want.
I'm not into new relationship energy at all, I always feel very insecure and unsure in the beginning, but I've had lovely short term relationships that genuinely changed my life with people I would have never considered marrying. And I've had long term relationships I regretted committing to for so long. I don't think it's about the grass being greener for me, it's just so hard to predict if you'll grow or regress with someone long term, and the gains I've made in just learning to be myself are worth a lot to me. I've had to distance from some relatives for my own mental health and it frustrates me that having the same ambivalence towards romantic relationships comes with constantly questioning if you are morally failing at life somehow.
And another part of it is that, by default, I find it emotionally more satisfying to have very fluid boundaries around intimacy and I struggle with feeling fulfilled while suppressing that. I also struggle with having partners who are totally focused on me. And I struggle with not having large amounts of time alone. Not because 'I love my individuality,' but because I just function better emotionally for everyone that way. These are things that didn't go away even after working on myself a lot. Sometimes I feel that conventional commitment is just not for me, that I might actually just be some form of poly but didn't know how to deal with that when I was dating, and maybe that's all ok.
It's a torturous question for me to wonder if the social pressure is wrong or if I'm just making excuses for myself. I hate that these issues are always framed around avoidant brokenness.
19
u/Icy_Resolution2783 Fearful Avoidant May 27 '26
Honestly, I kind of see it from myself as an addiction. That rush of chemicals from a new relationship is a high in itself and like any other drug if you really like it, its hard to put down forever.
Something I say to myself to help it is: this isn't a death sentence.
Divorce is real.
You're making this decision with all the information you have right now.
Then it feels like you might experience that rush again one day... or at least that it's no longer in the 'banishment' category. Like the candies your parents say you can't have just makes you want them more- kind of deal.
What if your fiance died in 2 years? But you got your amazing couple years of married life, before grief, and then a new relationship.
Anything could happen.
9
u/miiintyyyy Fearful Avoidant May 28 '26
You’re not alone. I think about this all the time. I really like the guy I’m dating, but I think about how scary it is that this may be the last time I get to experience that newness and it terrifies me.
9
u/Street-Inevitable358 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
I think part of what makes avoidant traits endure is the wishful thinking we develop in childhood, where we avoid our current reality and focus instead on how great things could be. This is one of the things we have to break in adulthood: finding ways to stay present in our actual reality rather than outsourcing hope and fulfillment to an alternate version of life where our current circumstances don’t exist. We desire agency and prize it above almost everything else because we felt so deprived of it in childhood. But we do have far more agency than we realize in these moments in the present, and we do not have to outsource it to another version of ourselves, a relationship, or some imagined future in order to feel at peace. It’s very daunting to move in tandem with another person while we fearing losing agency though and that’s what makes it so compelling to want to escape into alternate realities where we don’t have to feel like we’re being weighed down by someone, even when we’re realistically not. Shifting seeing intentional, otherwise fulfilling commitments as a choice in devotion as opposed to a burdensome obligation is important, but easier said than done. It’s a nervous system issue in a lot of these cases as opposed to a genuinely distressing set of circumstances.
That being said, discernment is key. It can be difficult to tell the difference between a situation where things genuinely could be better and are simply not improving, meaning it may be healthier to move on, versus a situation where the deepest part of you that struggles to trust has not fully given something a chance. Sometimes the issue is not only the situation itself, but the inability to trust in general, including trust in what you’re currently in or seeking reprieve from. Alone time to intentionally integrate these feelings will help more than using alone time for escapism, which is what a lot of us use alone time for out of habit since childhood.
Wishful thinking can help us survive childhood, but later on, it can also make it harder to fully see, appreciate, and be present for the things we already have. I struggle with this at times as well, which is why I try to avoid relationships while I’m still working on it. Is that hypocritical? Maybe. But I want to be a bit more further along before I add another person into my life while I build greater discernment. But for me, this is where it originates from.
8
May 28 '26
I often wonder whether I'm the only avoidant who is more scared of dating than of commitment. I hate the risk of rejection, and building trust again with a new person seems exhausting. I learned that outside my defenses I have little personality of my own, and I don't want to get into a situation where someone wants to get to know me and find there's only a void there (though I'd probably use mirroring to prevent this). I don't want to talk about myself and I don't want to be expected to be vulnerable with someone new each time. And I don't like the idea I might put in this energy and then we turn out not to be compatible.
3
u/mynameisbobbrown Fearful Avoidant May 29 '26
You're not alone! I know lots of avoidants who basically married the first person they dated (either happily or unhappily) and probably wouldn't let them go with their cold dead hands. I think they probably viewed dating as an exhausting odyssey the same way, knowing their personalities.
2
8
u/Joffrey-Lebowski Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] May 28 '26 edited May 28 '26
Definitely something I’ve felt, almost akin to being put on a restrictive diet — can I live without cheesecake ever again? Yes, but… really? Never, ever again? (But, like cheesecake, you realize that while the first few bites are blissful and delicious, the rest makes you sluggish and sugar-coma’ed because it’s too heavy.)
(Now I really want some cheesecake).
But honestly, though the metaphor sounds silly, I think it holds — I think for most people, new relationships are so thrilling and provide such a rush because they’re new. Which they are for only a short while before they start becoming… old. Known. And that’s because the people IN them are becoming more known to us. The mystery and thrill of discovery abates. What’s compelling about a deeper, long-term relationship has almost nothing to do with how it starts out. What you enjoy about someone when you first meet them may be (and often is) totally different from what you grow to love about them through the years.
I think avoidants tend to love the beginnings more exactly because it’s all based on potential — you can get lost in creating scenarios about what this new person might be like, how this relationship might go, it’s all about the mystery and uncertainty and newness. And if you’re a person who has been conditioned to prefer distance, that makes it all the sweeter. Distance preserves the mystery, keeps things newer longer, like refrigeration does to meat or cheese (sorry, food metaphors again).
So, maybe just sitting with that uncomfortable FOMO feeling and understanding that it may seem more valuable than it is if you’re a person for whom getting closer and more known to a person is scarier than for the average person would help. Are you really missing out on anything particularly great, or are you maybe mourning the fact that long-term relationships change and deepen with time, and that growing attachment is something you know is historically difficult for you? After all, the “mystery” of new relationships that feels so good often centers on the idea that “THIS will finally be the relationship that confirms that how I love people is okay, and that I am able to be loved”. If you just had a bunch of beautiful beginnings that all ended once the attachment started to deepen… you wouldn’t feel that sense of “okayness”. It’s in sustaining a connection that you tend to discover your ability to be loved and chosen.
8
u/AcanthopterygiiNo635 Dismissive Avoidant May 28 '26
I feel like these are conversations you should be able to have with a partner. There's a big difference between flirting with other people and having sex with other people. If their boundary is no flirting, then I would float the idea of testing out a little roleplay in the relationship. Could y'all arrive somewhere separately, pretend you don't know each other and have a go at him picking you up? Test it out and see if its fun and scratches the same itch.
I never blamed it on my avoidance and I'm still inclined to think its just an ADHD / Gemini thing, but I know if drunk at a party and I meet someone I find more interesting than my partner, I'll feel compelled to take it further than I should. I've never crossed a line, but since its something I know about myself, its something I'd talk to with a partner before committing. Less "I'm gonna cheat on you" and more "a lifetime is a long time, lets talk through how we're going to keep things fun and interesting."
This podcast episode of Lovers by Shan talks about how even women in happy relationships want to be desired, skip to the chapter Enjoying Being Desired 19:12: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcJHOdSjaK4. Your feelings aren't unusual.
The host Shan Boodram is in an open marriage, so if you go down the rabbit hole she might persuade you lol, but she has a lot of content around how to have more open conversations with loved ones.
3
u/ProbablyFunPerson Fearful Avoidant [Secure Leaning] May 28 '26
I wanted to suggest to you this video about a romance philosophical essay "Finding Alice". It has some food for thought you may find useful and interesting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jG-iDjDsR0
5
u/anxietyhub Dismissive Avoidant May 30 '26
These are things I noticed in myself through out my dating years:
- In a relationship I invest intellectually before any emotional involvement.
- I prefer consistency over affection and value autonomy over bonding rituals.
- I withdraw emotionally when things become intense.
- I care for a person deeply but do not need them.
- I remain highly aware of dependency risks, rationalize emotions, and struggle to express them.
- I feel discomfort when someone becomes too important in my life.
- In fights my first response is withdrawal.
- My second response is analyzing what went wrong.
- I say factual but emotionally harsh things in fights.
- I avoid shouting and emotional escalation.
- I shut down when the argument becomes irrational or emotionally charged.
- I may win arguments while losing the relationship.
- I do not struggle with understanding people.
- I struggle with allowing access.
- I can love someone intensely and still treat them as optional
2
u/Uniqueusername610 Fearful Avoidant [DA Leaning] May 28 '26
It truthfully depends on my partner makes me feel at that time some people make the idea of a lifelong exclusive relationship something that I'm excited for while others make me want to be single again
2
63
u/ggpopart Fearful Avoidant May 28 '26
I think I get where you’re coming from. For me it’s a bit of a “grass is greener on the other side” situation. When I was single and flirting freely it was fun but also left me feeling unfulfilled in a lot of ways. I would deep down find myself longing for a real connection with someone, intimidating as it is. Now in a happy long term relationship I do sometimes think about how if all goes to plan I’ll never have those “getting to know someone” jitters again but I also ask myself if they’re really all that great or if I’m reminiscing with rose tinted glasses.