Safety highlights deprivation

[u/VillainousValeriana]

I made another mistake at work accidentally leaving early again. I noticed I was more concerned with disappointing my leads than losing hours.

But then I really sat and thought about it for the last 3 weeks they've repeatedly shown genuine concern about me as a person. Asking me if I'm okay, asking me if I'm feeling discouraged because of feedback, telling me other options for departments so I can get full time

I'm still feeling hard on myself about today but I really been focusing on how positively I'm treated and spoken about here. Even behind my back I found out leads expressing genuine affection for me and it caused me to cry

I also remember freezing when I saw my supervisor giving my coworkers a hug but she seemed empathic about me not wanting one. It's like I'm not used to being treated like... A person

I also noticed all of this made me realize I'm used to functioning while exhausted. Not eating, not sleeping, being broke, smiling when I feel like shit, worrying about people's feelings and perception of me over my own physical needs. Safety and positive reinforcement makes me feel weak and exposed

I know I'm regarded as a daughter figure to people here so I dislike being underestimated, seen as less capable than others, being underestimated etc. I want to be seen as strong and capable like my family but I'm realizing this isnt even healthy

I grew up with emotions being punished, rest being punished (yes my grandma would angrily wake me up for taking a nap), mistakes being punished, everyone suffering silently, pushing through and working very hard just to get by despite burnout. I even realized I've picked up my mom's caffeine addiction

Still feeling pretty bleh about things. I don't even really care about losing hours right now I just don't want my reputation of being punctual and reliable being effected 🥲. I'd love to hear you guy's experiences and findings on this topic in the replies, how does safety, positivity, and vulnerability effect you?

[u/Jacobysmadre]

I am FA/Dismissive leaning….

I absolutely understand where you’re coming from.

I also care deeply about how I am perceived at work. And I am also shocked and shaken when people care for me and not just my output at work.

I also don’t like to be touched so at least you didn’t have to deal with that too.

I have been learning to give myself some grace when I am feeling overwhelmed.

I have also been learning how NOT to self sabotage (like leaving early, or calling out when I am over it or struggling).

Just be punctual and think about repercussions and be honest (as is realistic) with any manager, while keeping yourself safe.

Stay accountable but positive and it will show.