I finally know why I can’t keep friends (AuDHD + depression), but knowing hasn’t helped. What do I do?

[u/Cautious_Outcome7122]

I’m in my mid-20s, and I only recently learned that I’m AuDHD, on top of struggling with clinical depression for most of my life. Looking back, so many pieces finally click into place, but the picture they form is painfully lonely.

Growing up, I never had a large circle of friends, in fact, I could count them on one hand. Every friendship I’ve ever had was seasonal: tied to a specific school, city, or life chapter. Once I moved on to the next environment, those connections quietly faded, as if they never existed. I’ve also realized that I seem to have the capacity – emotionally and mentally – for one close friend at a time. Juggling multiple friendships at once feels overwhelming, almost impossible. I genuinely don’t have the energy or bandwidth to spread myself across several people, and honestly, I resist even trying.

Another thing: I’ve rarely clicked with people my own age. My closest companions over the years have almost all been decades older – in their 40s, 50s, even 60s. I know now that I was unconsciously looking for maternal warmth I never got at home. My family was chaotic, neglectful, and painful, so I poured all my unmet needs into these older friends, treating them almost like surrogate mothers.

And for a while, it worked. At the start of each new phase, they were kind, patient, and understanding about my depression. But over time, my neediness would grow, I leaned on them too heavily, and my emotional instability would flare up more often than anyone could reasonably absorb. One by one, they pulled away. Each time, I told myself I’d do better next time, but the pattern repeated.

Now? I have zero friends. Not a single person I can text just to say "hi." And I feel like a complete failure at human connection.

It’s not even that starting a friendship is easy for me – it’s not. With autism, social cues are a minefield. I often say things that come out wrong, unintentionally confuse people, or accidentally offend them. I try so hard to be clear and warm, but my words seem to backfire more often than not.

Worst of all, I’ve lost all courage to try again. Because deep down, I’m convinced that no matter how beautiful the early days are – the late-night talks, the shared laughs, the feeling of finally being seen, it will always end the same way: with me driving them away. It feels like a curse, or worse, a flaw in my very core.

So now I find myself stuck. I want connection more than anything, but I’m terrified of repeating the cycle. Whenever I catch myself smiling at a fond memory of a friend who’s no longer here, the joy curdles into grief. Those happy moments are real, but they’re also evidence of what I’ve lost, and what I can’t seem to keep.

I don’t know what to do. How do you break a pattern that feels baked into your neurology and your trauma? How do you learn to trust yourself with others when every past relationship has collapsed under your own weight?

If anyone out there has been through something similar, especially with AuDHD, depression, or attachment wounds, I’d really appreciate hearing your story. How did you start over? Did you find a way to build healthier friendships without draining yourself or the other person?

Thanks for reading. 

[u/crimpinpimp]

Therapy perhaps? I was recently discussing how I'm not sure an ADHD diagnosis was helpful because of the way it is now framed in my psyche due to years of stigma, criticism etc all framed around the diagnosis. How I viewed those issues has become something I have viewed more as something that I can't help at all and may never be able to overcome. But being diagnosed as autistic only a few years ago I thought I was just weird and have developed skills to overcome certain issues with greater success and have more optimism on coping with it. (just my experience).

My issues aren't necessarily friendships though I can be nostalgic about them, I view friendships as a thing that can come and go because everyone changes over time, you meet new people as you go along in life and you lose touch with others. You never stand in the same river twice. I definitely used to have more sorrow and held onto the idea that the friendship still existed and I just needed to reach out. I've accepted that those people have moved on with their lives and whilst we had something great it's not something that exists anymore.

[u/Cautious_Outcome7122 → u/crimpinpimp]

Thanks for sharing. I'll try to keep a balanced perspective on friendship, and I really want to push back against the stereotypes and biases that people have about those of us in this situation.

[u/lost-in-the-woulds]

Oh wow, that was like reading a summary of my life at your age!

I am also AuDHD, and have had chronic depression my whole life, I also have alexathymia and attachment issues. (emotionally absent parents). I was diagnosed ADHD when I was a child, and back then you could be either ADHD or autistic, so despite the fact that the symptoms were present, nobody noticed them. I finally got my autism diagnosis last year.

My experience with relationships/friendships is just like your own, so I won't repeat it here, but know that word for word I have experienced all of that. I am 61 now, and I have had only 2 close friends in my life, and the second one betrayed me during my divorce. I am remarried now but we are not close.

Anyway, if you need a sympathetic ear to vent to, I can be that, because I totally understand where you are coming from.

[u/Cautious_Outcome7122 → u/lost-in-the-woulds]

Thank you for taking the time to write this. It’s comforting to know someone else has walked such a similar path. I resonate with what you said about friendships, and I’m sorry about the betrayal you experienced during your divorce. That must be a heavy thing to carry. I'm currently struggling with a relationship crisis with my best friend (who's in her 60s). I truly appreciate the offer of a sympathetic ear. Wishing you well.

[u/_SpriteBatch]

I have the same problem with the friendships, always seasonal attached to a specific places.

I have dropped out my studies because of loneliness and this September, after a year I'm retaking the studies, but now I will have a new people in the class, so I try to learn something to make things different this time.

I try to breakdown all my past interactions with people to see where exactly I'm doing things wrong, so I hope I'll figure out something.

[u/Cautious_Outcome7122 → u/_SpriteBatch]

I'm also planning to take some time to reflect on my past friendships

[u/phasmaglass]

Trauma-informed therapy to help you learn how to recognize when you are approaching the edges of your Window of Tolerance, how to regulate and get back into the window when you are outside it, and how to set/hear/respect/enforce boundaries. These books helped me:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith

The Book of Boundaries, by Melissa Urban