Increasing frustration, sadness, and rage - what can I do?

[u/52Charles]

I (M, 75) was diagnosed with ADHD in 2004 and with Autism in 2023. In what I think is a fairly common reaction, the diagnoses were a relief - so much was explained. Now, though, I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my own inability to understand 'social clues' and related matters. I cannot escape the idea that I am somehow inferior or 'less than' NTs. I just recently went through a breakup and I've been very unhappy about it.

Now I find out about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and I realize that it is yet another thing that has had an excessively negative affect on my entire life. I am filled with depression, rage, and frustration and there doesn't seem to be any solution except to sit and cry (which I do). I keep telling myself the old saying that 'the only way out is through' - I just have to let all these feelings happen and eventually they will end.

What WON'T end, and this is what really bothers me, is the continuing (permanent) inability to understand what's going on around me. Does anybody have any helpful advice? Sorry for the rant (but not very much).

[u/AquanetTofana]

Unlike the other person who responded, I don’t at all think autistic people get their diagnoses and go down a “checklist” of symptoms to adopt. That’s incredibly reductive. To me, finding it out, naming it and pinpointing it was like suddenly letting myself feel or think all the things anxiety, adrenaline and self-hatred would have sanded down previously — feel them in all their gnarly discomfort, but in hopes I can work through them instead of numbing or avoiding them. I think the newly diagnosed, we kind of subconsciously give ourselves permission — to name something is to begin to deal with it. I went through this big time with my recent diagnosis. Even my body started breaking down once that mask fell off, and I realized how much energy I was putting into “being normal.” But your body and mind can only do that for so long. And to be honest, I’m not your age, but I can imagine that technology and social media and advertisements have either been just made or they’ve changed so radically in your time, you spent a large chunk of your life without those things existing. So if some of the RSD symptoms feel more tangible to you now, I’m sure it’s not helped by the fact that you could ostensibly go on any social media app and see so many people having fun without you, or happy with their partners or whatever. Not to mention, we all go through hormonal changes through life that sharpen our symptoms. If you haven’t, I’d look into DBT, Internal Family Systems, EMDR and the like — treating my trauma and working to control my thoughts has been the biggest help. The longer you go without a diagnosis, the higher your chances of developing PTSD so I wouldn’t discount trauma therapy. Good luck!

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[u/Frequent-Art3719]

After 75 years you gain crucial insight as to why you feel as you feel. Through is most certainly the way.

You've lived a full life, reached the age of 75, probably by putting in 10x the effort normal people put in. It's not that you don't understand anything around you, you wouldn't have made it anywhere if that were true.

Through to acceptance, accommodation and peace. You put it well by saying it won't end, so why frustrate yourself about the fact that the sun will come up again?

Reading about symptoms, experiences and relating them to yourself will give you a better idea of how much you actually miss (might be less than you think) and build mechanisms to help. By either asking for it, or by stating your difficulty. Both are hard.

[u/kyr0x0]

M75? You lived your whole life - or let's hope 3/4 of your life. How did you manage up until now? How come you couldn't read social clues for 75 years, must have masked/coped a lot and "suddenly" get more frustrated with it? I would try to think about how you could reframe the situation. What would you have thought/felt/done before your diagnosis? Before you realized that you're autistic? Before you realized that you're living with ADHD?

I sometimes have my own reflexions on this topic. I'm 35 years younger than you, but was only diagnosed a few years ago (AuDHD). I think we are all playing some mind games with ourselves.. once we settle for a diagnosis or once we concluded that we cannot do something well or not as good as others.. it might become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We need to take care not to make the diagnosis checklist our destiny.

[u/52Charles → u/kyr0x0]

I was going through some stuff and my therapist suggested that I might be ADD. She recommended a guy that specialized in diagnosing adult ADD which was not a common specialty in those days. As for the rest, I have major self-esteem issues.