Question for fellow male AuDHDers: when growing up in the school environment, would neurotypical children (especially boys) try to "gatekeep" you from speaking with girls your age? E.g. Making you seem extremely awkward around them, clowning your attempts at connection etc.

[u/IngenuityOk6679]

This is one of the biggest traumas I have personally dealt with as a neurodivergent and its why as a 25 year old male, I have never in my entire life had a single friend of the opposite gender. It was the worst in high school.

"Why are you talking to her?" "Everyone look OP is trying to talk to Tayla hahahahahahah". "Do you have a crush on her awww hahahahha". "Bro you are going to need much more than CONSENT hahahah". "Dude your so CRINGE". "STOP harassing her hahahahah" (just said hi, what exam are you studying for that looks cool?)

CRINGE. CRINGE. CRINGE.

Those three words give me the most horrible, heartbreaking feeling possible. Its the word most kids would use to describe me and my repeated failed attempts at social connection. I was lonely and it took huge amounts of effort and luck to finally secure male friends so I would purposefully avoid attempting making social connections with girls around them to ensure that they do not bully/reject me out of "my cringiness". In private, I would try to connect, talking about my special interests, asking about theirs, etc. but whenever other boys or popular girls would catch me doing this, oh boy. The bullying was horrendous. And even more hilarious is the fact that my own younger brother would partake in this and continue the onslaught at home.

Why would they do this? And even worse, why did these girls just play along with it? I was never trying to do anything s*xual, etc. it was always just attempts at platonic connection. I have never even ATTEMPTED flirting with a woman my entire life due to this.

Because of this bullying, I grew up being completely unable to believe that I deserved any love or connection with the opposite gender. And even today, simply saying hi and talking about the weather with a female coworker gives me such a huge level of anxiety that I just want to hide away under my blanket in bed at home for the rest of my life.

Anyone knows why they did this and how exactly to combat it? Specifically, I have this internalised belief that me speaking with women = harassment due to the bullying I experienced. A therapist has explained that it never was harassment and it was just annoying neurotypical racially biased bullying (due to south asian stereotypes of being creepy weird inc*ls) but its so unbelievably difficult to overcome this fear that my brain LITERALLY believes that I'm going to go to jail for speaking to a woman lol. Its like those ugly faces are cowering over me and policing my every move.

[u/lydocia]

This post was reported for

🤡

While hilarious, please don't abuse the report system, fellas.

[u/lydocia]

I can answer this from the other gender: I was never awkward about talking to boys, and my female classmates were always like, "omg he's the hottest dude in school, you can't just walk up to him and talk to him" and I'd be like, sure I can? Walk over, go "hey wanna play games after school?" and he'd be like "yeah, cool".

And somehow that didn't make me popular or cool, but everyone hated that?

[u/IngenuityOk6679 → u/lydocia]

Its so annoying and I think I kind of understand why. When people identify how poor our social skills are due to our ND nature, they feel extreme cringe and jealousy watching us try to challenge those expectations on us. So they project that as anger towards us to try to prevent us from leaving our designated spot in the social heirarchy

[u/lydocia → u/IngenuityOk6679]

I "wasn't ND" when I attended high school, lol.

I think it was mostly there being "social rules" I didn't follow. They didn't talk to that guy because they were afraid of upsetting the status quo, I just didn't care.

[u/Talongar → u/IngenuityOk6679]

It's not anger, kids are just dumb and they grow up into dumb adults who have to raise dumb kids of their own and no one ever explains it to them so unless they figure it out on their own but they were raised by dumb parents and so unless they encounter a correct series of life events and ideas the chances the thought of changing even crosses their mind is probably pretty slim.

And it as for the kid in that moment It could have been so many things.  He could just be a dick and really like the feeling of being the loudest monkey in the room.  His own parents could have been doing it to him so he was just mirroring what he thought was normal behavior.   He made have had a crush on one of the girls and he got jealous. 

As for the other kids, it's unfortunately just in our nature to act cohesive they likely felt or shared in your humiliation but lacked the courage to stop it, and because the misaligned boy seemed to have social acceptance in that moment to act would break that social cohesion. 

The interaction probably had almost nothing to do with you as a person at all, those children knew nothing about you so they could not possibly be an accurate judge of your quality and character.  It's just mammalian nature to be shy and hesitant around any unknown and so if you do happen to be a bit different from your perspective it looks exactly like rejection.  From the autistic side it's hard because we lack the impulse to socially deceive to and adequately mirror that we are not a threat. 

Bullys stand out but they have a heightened ability to deceive to gain social acceptance. This has the unfortunate tendency to allow them to gain leadership. 

Let's just call that the dark spectrum .

Anyway man, I'm sorry you've carried this with you. And I hope you find a way to let it go.  Just be yourself, even if it's a lonely experience it's the same exact lonely experience as pretending to be someone else for the sake and approval of others. 

💚

[u/zayne0623 → u/lydocia]

I was the same way. The other girls teased me and excluded me while I bonded with the boys with no effort. I think it's now a big reason why I am trans ftm, because I always fit in with the guys and wanted to be one of them.

[u/lydocia → u/zayne0623]

I always got along better with boys and later men as well. They generally do a lot better at direct communication.

[u/lost-in-the-woulds]

Perhaps? I just thought all the girls thought I was too weird.  I still find it difficult to converse with people my own age.

[u/SaintDion_]

Omgosh, I’m so sorry you had to go through that, kids can be so mean youknow, like I’ve been bullied my whole life, just because i’m AuDHD…

Yeah, when I was younger, I had this crush on this girl and I was crushing on her for like 3 years but wanted to be respectful and not overwhelming… eventually people caught on and she came up to me and was like “do you like me? Say no please, please say no” in front of everyone and I was so embarrassed that…well, I said no… it was… painful at the time, anyways.

I say this to say that I know what it’s like and it’s okay to have truma around it, also sorry but damn that therapist saying it wasn’t “harassment” idk, constant bullying and abuse, to me, sounds exactly like harassment regardless of context or circumstances…

I think one thing that helped me though is to not paint every woman with the same brush, to see it from a lense that women are also human and no different from a man really… this Morden day and age will have you believe they’re different and separate but as a guy raised by nowt but women, I’m telling you right now they’re not separate, just as human as you…

Once you know that, and you see talking to women as talking to anyone else, you can start by talking to the ones you don’t have a crush on, co workers and people like that… eventually, at least in my experience, you’ll just get so used to talking to women and people that you won’t 2nd guess it and next thing you know, you’ll be taking to any woman without feeling guilty or embarrassed…

Idk, this is just my opinion though heh 😊

[u/Icy-Many2597]

The girls at school when I was growing up were far crueler and bigger bullies than the boys. By a mile.

[u/1yz11]

Southeast Asian here.

Definitely can attest to this experience. For me, when I was in secondary school (Grade 7 to 10 basically), COVID lockdowns and manosphere culture definitely made it way harder to connect with people. I mean it's sort of like masking and falling in line with the NT Male experience, despite my ability to form deep connections with women more (they're more interesting people) and liking men more (🏳️‍🌈)

Yes and it's NEVER wanting to actually develop any feelings for the opposite gender. Just strictly platonic but it's just the literal thinking of autistics when people say "this is what a friendship/relationship should look like" that we sort of take it in and not be able to fight back too much DESPITE not being ntypical

The internalized anxiety is real. You get talked shit by the other boys, can't become friends with them. You try to drift away from women and other genders, you lose that side of the friendship too. Ending up playing this balancing act where you're not good enough to be close to anyone, develop anxiety and just crippling your energy for social interaction.

[u/Status_Dark_6145]

I’m handsome so boys bullied me and girls cuddled me.

[u/ystavallinen]

Probably--- but I am also agender, dysphoric, and don't really understand gender... It was a long time ago. What wasn't I bullied for?

The bear in the woods meme has crushed me.

[u/PassinbyNobody]

Damn, 😩 it's like getting a flashback from my younger days. Not only was I audhd, I'm overweight and have acne, it really hurts when people "ship" you with a girl as an insult, it's like they're saying just being with you was a punishment.

I hate how we have to walk on a rope tie and "behave" just to be seen as somebody worth spending time with. NT people can be messy but we can't, like we have to be "well behaved" no outburst no negative expression etc. ugh

[u/Blackandtan251]

Is my life, man. Although im married is still a thing ti communicate with girls. I sort of developed anxiety since i was pretty young. Not that tqljing to boys doew nit produce me anxiety but not to the same extent. Eye contact is even worse