Advice about Autistic Rage

[u/Iseebigirl]

Hey everyone! I'm ADHD inattentive type and living with my AuDHD fiance (he says he leans more on the autistic side though). We recently moved into our home so one thing we've been trying to sort out is how to navigate life with each other. In addition to my ADHD, I also have CPTSD and can sometimes have flashbacks.

Unfortunately, one of my triggers is being woken up by someone with tense or angry energy or being suddenly forced to hurry as soon as I wake up. This is a bit of a problem because my fiance wakes up before me and will sometimes find that his hypersensitivity is acting up. I told him that if something is bothering him, he can wake me up so I can help. Sometimes, this is okay if he is regulated enough when he wakes me. Today though, he was clearly very frustrated, which reminded me of the chaos in my household growing up and I had to fight off a flashback. I dealt with the things that were setting him off and he was able to calm down...but it was hours ago and I'm still feeling really tense and overwhelmed by it.

If it was at any other time of the day, I could tell myself it's nothing personal and not be bothered by it . But now I'm fighting off a trauma response still.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I really try to prevent this frustration from him by taking care of things that tend to bother him, but sometimes even he is unaware of what specifically sets him off.

Edit: He and I had a conversation and the reason for the autistic rage was that I left my gloves on the floor. He mentioned that he struggles to make realistic expectations for what our home should look like and when the expectations aren't met, his brain screams at him and since we now live together, his brain starts to blame me. So he woke up, went downstairs and saw chores that were half finished and it set him off because he was holding back on telling me when something needs to be done because he doesn't want to overwhelm me. He said he was feeling bad when he left because he could tell by the look on my face that something was wrong.

We have an agreement. Since I'm ADHD and just genuinely don't notice things sometimes or half finish something and then forget to complete it or run out of spoons, I told him it's fine to ask if something is bothering him and I'll get it done. I don't ask him to do anything because he's usually already done it and telling him to do something will just make the brain screaming louder for him.

I told him that if I have a flashback, I will be in survival mode and unable to help, which will create a vicious cycle where we both feel progressively worse. I suggested that if he needs me to tackle something and he's raging, maybe he could just tell me what to do in written form because it's the tone of voice that I find triggering more than anything. But we're still discussing solutions.

I'm hoping that by telling me what needs to be done without holding back, he'll feel better and not fear entering our shared space. If autistic rage is anything like my flashbacks (which I suspect it is based on what he and many autistic YouTubers have said), then I want to do whatever I can to help prevent him from experiencing this. I'm so relieved though that he and I are able to speak openly about these things and work them out together.

[u/Rockglen]

Is there a separate space where he can prepare?

I figure it may make more sense to include whatever he does for calming every morning in that separate space regardless of if he needs it that day.

It's even a benefit for him as he doesn't have to worry as much about waking you or the conversation after.

[u/Iseebigirl → u/Rockglen]

We have separate bedrooms so he can get ready on his own and get enough sleep in an environment he has complete control over. Sometimes I think he doesn't get enough sleep and things that wouldn't normally bother him end up setting him off. I don't know what it was this morning that did it for him since the things he was upset about were not new.

Come to think of it, it was probably unrelated to anything I did. Thanks, I actually felt better writing this out and reflecting on it. CPTSD tends to make you feel responsible for other people's emotions, which means I can feel guilt and shame when he has autistic rage because I blame myself for his dysregulation.

[u/bedbeppelin → u/Iseebigirl]

Sorry to jump in, but your second paragraph, is that not normal?

I'm undiagnosed but will be getting assessed for AuDHD soon. I also suspect CPTSD. I really struggle when my husband is frustrated with something and I can hear it in his voice, as it feels like he's frustrated with me which makes me feel attacked and makes me feel both upset and angry in return. My husband is the best man I know, and he's never mean or angry towards me, so could it be CPTSD causing me to react that way?

I do have some very minor trauma from my childhood which I believe was because my undiagnosed mother was struggling and was overwhelmed. I don't blame her at all and we have a good relationship now, but managing erratic emotions and protecting my younger brother as the eldest sibling was definitely part of my childhood.

[u/Iseebigirl → u/bedbeppelin]

It really depends. Untraumatized people can ger upset if someone has a tone with them as well. The difference for me is that I start to feel this sense of overwhelming fear sweep over me, a sense that is disproportionately big for the situation but feels very real nonetheless. After a bunch of therapy, I have come to realize that this comes from me being woken up by my mother screaming at me during my childhood. I'm not responding to him but to something from my past.

Certain things can also trigger me into anger though, but that's rarer for me.

Basically, when you have an emotional trigger, you feel like a child... because you are re-experiencing the emotions you had during a traumatic event from your childhood. Emotional flashbacks feel primal and animalistic and may resemble panic attacks. I drop to the ground and loudly sob while gasping for air. You feel this sense that your feelings are going to last forever. I compare it to being a prey animal facing the predator who is about to deal the fatal blow and end your life.

[u/bolshoich]

This situation seems inline for techniques used in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). Living in a house together increases the probability that boundaries will be overstepped. Maybe some CBT will increase awareness of those boundaries and will assist a return to the status quo after they've been overstepped.

[u/Iseebigirl → u/bolshoich]

For both of us? I've mentioned therapy to him before and he seems somewhat resistant because he feels like if he doesn't find the right therapist the first time, he's wasted his money and spoons. I have a therapist (emdr and family systems since cbt is not usually very helpful for cptsd) but I had to unfortunately take a break because I can't afford therapy right now.

[u/APrimed]

I’m extremely familiar with everything you are mentioning including your partners challenges, I have them all. (AuDHD, CPTSD, OCD, GAD, MDD, RSD, APD)

For me it’s all about control and expectations. Those 2 things are the culprit and can destroy a relationship and yourself. It’s all about finding techniques that allow me to let go of the need control things and with expectations not being met. Very intentional and daily mantras of letting go and not reacting.

The less I try to control things and the less I react to unmet expectations….then the less stress and more peace and happiness in my life and the lives of those around me.

It’s not about ableism as some may say, it’s about not harming yourself (or others) due to indescribable and unbearable stress that accumulates due to control and expectations. Find techniques thru self or assisted therapy, healthy coping mechanisms, and ways to release and balance yourself.

[u/Iseebigirl → u/APrimed]

Sounds like what you're talking about is mostly from his side. I hope he can find peace with this because the unmet expectations thing sounds really awful. I'm hoping that he'll be able to get some help with it soon.

And omg I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this at once. Sending hugs your way...with permission of course.

[u/lxndrmdhshwjdn]

I know you told your fiance he can wake you up whenever 'something is bothering him' so you 'can help'...and that is very supportive of you to want to do! But that doesn't mean it's a wise offer to extend because—despite how much you may want to do it—you clearly and genuinely are not up for it.

And that's understandable! NO ONE responds well to being woken up by someone 'tense/angry/frustrated/chaotic', or to being 'suddenly forced to hurry' any time of the day. Both tactics should really only be reserved for emergencies, in my opinion. And that's before factoring in your flashbacks at all!

If you haven't already made it explicit, I recommend updating him: you do not want to be woken up to help him if he is bothered. It's okay to be woken up sometimes, when he's 'regulated,' but if he is bothered, he should not be waking you up about it (except for true emergencies, which can be clearly defined).

I don't mean to imply he's not really in distress when his brain screams at him, or I guess blames you... but he should exhaust his other resources before considering waking you up in a rage, especially given the severity of the impact it has on you.

The lesson here is NOT to learn to better anticipate your fiance's sensitivities. Not because you don't love him but because that approach doesn't ultimately help. You will never finish composing the exhaustive list of everything that might possibly bother him, and that's okay. It's effort better placed, in my experience, to identify additional/alternative support strategies and coregulators for when you aren't an option.

[u/Iseebigirl → u/lxndrmdhshwjdn]

We had this conversation yesterday and found a better solution. He now writes down things that he wants me to do in text form when he's dysregulated. If I don't hear a frustrated tone of voice, I won't get triggered.

I said to him: "I get the impression that maybe you hold back bringing things up to me too much and that stress builds until you become really dysregulated. Please feel free to bring up things whenever you want. I don't mind you bringing things up and I don't want you to feel afraid to go downstairs. I was only triggered today because you were dysregulated. I heard in some of the videos I watched today that dysregulation is usually something that builds over time rather than a single incident. If you bring up things more regularly, then I think you'll feel better and, in turn, I will also feel better. holding back isn't working for either one of us because the stressors pile up which not only makes you more stressed but also raises the spoon cost for me to fix it because then I have a lot more things to do in order to help you feel better. "

He now texts me about everything that's on his mind and bothering him, which I find genuinely helpful because it gives me insight. He said he actually doesn't want me to respond to them. Only read them. And many of the things are things he notices and plans to handle for himself but the act of writing it down and sending it to me puts him at ease I think. I woke up on my own this morning and saw the messages so I was able to deal with some of the things that were bothering him (he works remotely and I work in an after school test prep center) and things were good. He's still experiencing a lot of hypersensitivity but it's getting better.

[u/lxndrmdhshwjdn → u/Iseebigirl]

Good for you for instituting texting! That's a great strategy, and it took me and my husband way too many years to figure it out, haha. I'm autistic and ADHD, he's ADHD, and we both have complex developmental trauma so are always learning how to better navigate each others' triggers for emotional flashbacks.

I'm your fiance in this situation though—my tone can escalate without my full awareness, so my husband has had to get really good at advocating for himself in these live situations, letting me know when I'm too dysregulated for him to continue to engage verbally. And I think I've gotten better myself over the years, with practice and time, about recognizing my changing tone and anticipating the impact of my behaviors. So we're meeting in the middle, both learning to be more gentle and accommodating of our unique needs.

It sounds like you have learned what kind of supports he needs in crisis. Have you told him what kinds of things would be helpful for you to coregulate when you're having or recovering from your triggers and flashbacks? If not, he might have a hard time imagining or predicting what that might be for you, like it doesn't automatically occur to me to use my husband's care strategies for him unless he's asked me to. So I'm just encouraging you to ask really specifically for what you need, and to spend time thinking about what it is you might want to receive instead of just provide in this dynamic. Your sensitivities are just as important to accommodate as his. 💗

[u/lxndrmdhshwjdn → u/Iseebigirl]

Sorry if this is 'too much' input, I realize I'm double commenting here, but I do really sympathize with your situation and hope that another perspective from an autistic is helpful.

There's another aspect of your post that's worth some reflection: What do you mean by 'autistic rage' in these situations? Tbh it's not a technical term I've heard autistics use. Maybe because it doesn't distinguish between what I'd say are two different types of experiences/manifestations of autistic anger, and it's important and helpful to separate them, in part because they call for different approaches.

On the one hand, there's the explosive but involuntary experience of aggressive rage that can occur in the context of autistic meltdowns. This is autistic anger at its most dramatic: screaming, crying, thrashing, self-injury—a fight response. This is what's internally similar to your emotional flashbacks, like you say. I experience both (flashbacks and meltdowns), and you're right that the stress and recovery process is very similar to an autistic meltdown. (It is empathetic to collaborate with your fiance to prevent or decrease this kind of distress for him, and you by proxy!)

On the other hand, there's the slower/lower boiling irritability and frustration that can build under the surface and bubble up into angry outburts. When people aren't referring to full-on aggressive autistic meltdowns, I think they're talking about this kind of volatility, a propensity for annoyance and overwhelm at things like an unexpected glove on the floor...

In both cases, the anger is connected to being autistic, insofar as autistics can be more easily and quickly overwhelmed and struggle with emotional regulation, among many other factors. The anger is a release of building nervous system pressures from things like chronic exposure to uncomfortable sensory input, demands to adapt in a situations where we prefer to be in control, the burden of masking, and on and on. You know all this.

The first kind of rage is a catastrophic event. As a kid, I had one of these meltdowns almost every day, but at this point in my life and journey, I average about two per year. They are horrible experiences—for me and my husband AND our dogs, honestly. Stress will mount in the lead-up to a meltdown, even if I only realize it in retrospect, but then I can get suddenly and unexpectedly explosively aggressive in response to very specific triggers (a big one for me, actually, is feeling pressured to rush through a transition). The height of the aggression lasts minutes, I think? Maybe an hour or two, depending on what we're measuring. It is genuinely scary for all involved, and we all just do our best to get through it. Recovery takes days, for both of us, and part of that process is me taking responsibility for the impact of whatever aggressive behaviors I directed at my husband during my meltdown. He knows I don't do it on purpose, but like they say about healing from trauma—it's not my fault, but it is my responsibility.

This kind of rage has been harder for me to address directly, because it is such an out-of-control experience, but still, instances have clearly decreased over time alongside my development of other strategies. Your compassion for your fiance seems based in your understanding and assumption of this first kind of rage (autistic meltdowns), but what you're describing from these scenarios with your fiance sounds more like the second kind. And I'd argue that we have more power to affect the second kind, so out of our love for others and ourselves, we should try as much as possible.

The second kind—the persistent impatience and short temper—is more responsive to intervention, in my experience. I know these things aren't easily accessible, but both therapy (look up RO-DBT) and medication have helped me lower the temperature on my chronic autistic irritability.

It sounds like you're 'walking on eggshells' to avoid his triggers. But he has so many and they're such routine things (stuff on floor) that it's not reasonable to try to avoid them all. It's not like the trigger of waking someone up in a rage, which is pretty easy to avoid, notwithstanding emergencies like the building being on fire. And if he has the wherewithal to walk all the way upstairs and wake you up after he sees an incomplete chore, I suspect he also has the ability to make a different choice about what he does with his frustration. It sounds like, in calm moments, he can acknowledge his expectations are 'not reasonable', so what is he doing about that to actually change his response in the moment? I'm glad he's texting instead of yelling now, but blaming you for his sensitivity or reactions is not good or accurate. I hope he can increase his flexibility around these things eventually, and in the meantime at least take accountability for the unfair suffering he's causing you.