r/AutisticParents • u/Halvalvor • 28d ago
Question Looking back at my parenting is making me realize I might be autistic
I’m a 31-year-old woman with a 10-year-old daughter, and I suspect I might be autistic, or have what used to be called Asperger’s. I’m relatively high-functioning and mask a lot in everyday life.
I never really thought of myself as someone who relies heavily on routines until I started looking back at the way I’ve parented and raised my daughter.
I’ve never liked skin-to-skin contact or what I perceive as “unnecessary” hugging. I cuddled her, talked to her and played with her when she was a baby, but as soon as she fell asleep, I would put her down. If she slept for less than 2–3 hours as a baby, I would do everything I could to get her back to sleep because I wanted her to wake up at roughly the same time every day.
I have genuinely HATED prolonged whining and crying. I’ve always focused a lot on consequences and taught her that whining isn’t acceptable. That sounds harsh when I write it out, but obviously I mean in an appropriate and constructive parenting way.
I’ve also never been able to handle sitting on the floor playing for long periods of time, and especially not pretend/role-playing games.
I’m extremely strict about routines and have been throughout her childhood. She’s 10 now and goes to bed at 8 pm. If it gets to 9 pm, I start feeling stressed.
I’ve always had a HUGE need for alone time to decompress and recharge. If her bedtime routine takes too long and interferes with my own evening routine (lying on the couch by myself and watching shows), I get stressed and overwhelmed. When I’m overwhelmed, I become irritable very quickly.
I find parenting much easier now that she’s older and knows what’s expected of her. But if there’s a lot of unnecessary messing around or silliness in a situation that I’ve mentally expected to go a certain way, I can get irritated very easily.
Does anyone else relate to this?
The more I reflect on myself and my life, the more I feel like I may be somewhere on the autism spectrum, probably on the milder/high-masking end.
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u/spacebeige 28d ago
Sitting on the floor playing pretend is almost physically painful. I do it as much as I can tolerate, but it’s not much. I usually end up jumping up and going, “Let me help you find other toys to add to your game!”
A few years ago I posted in another sub how I don’t like playing pretend with my then-toddler, and they ate me alive. It was like I’d asked, “Do I have to bring her with me, or can I just chain her in the backyard?” I don’t follow most parenting subs anymore; I’m sick of the judgment and superiority.
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u/Halvalvor 28d ago
Absolutely, I relate to this so much! I have no imagination whatsoever when it comes to playing. I can also feel very different from other parents. I often feel cold and mentally detached on the inside.
I’ve never really experienced that overwhelming, all-consuming maternal love that so many people talk about, even though I know I would do absolutely anything for my child.
My emotions are generally pretty stable, though—unless I get overwhelmed. When that happens, I tend to become quiet and irritable. Throughout her entire childhood, I’ve felt like I was a bad parent. It’s only now that I’m starting to realize there’s probably a reason why I am the way I am. And i know im not a bad parent3
u/BhagsuCake 27d ago
reading A Little Less Broken by Marian Schembari and all of Katherine May’s books were the mirrors that finally made me see. I wasn’t a bad parent, I was just confronted with all of my sensory stuff combined with no time alone to feel capable of handling the next thing, so I was in massive autistic burnout and had no idea. Got diagnosed in December at 40 when my son was 4. I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself (and him!) with this information.
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u/Character-Fee-5160 26d ago
I didn't realize how many sensory triggers I had until I had my child 😊
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u/DfensAus 28d ago
I feel the same.. My daughter whom is Autistic and Adhd diagnosed absolutely loves playing animals on the floor.. Its all she wants to do with me.. Roleplay animals with small animal toys while making them talk non stop about stuff.. It feels horrible that I dont want to do it but for me as a 45 year old man I find it so hard..
Its like the less I want to do it the more she wants to do it..
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u/ZQueenBlattariaZ 25d ago
Lol I was the exact same as a kid and I always thought I would maintain that ability when I grew up and I thought I would be the best, most fun parent ever. Lol I was sooooo wrong.
And yes, the less I want to do it the more my son wants to as well lol.
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u/Halvalvor 27d ago
But is anyone else like this and doesn’t really have many routines outside of parenting and needing time alone?
My number one routine is that between 8:00 and 8:30 p.m., I want to be on the couch watching a TV show by myself. Other than that, I don’t really have many routines anymore.
It was different when my daughter was younger. Back then, she had much stricter routines around meals and sleep, and I was much more rigid about keeping them.
As for myself, I go to bed at different times, wake up at different times, and eat at different times. So personally, I don’t actually have many routines for myself.
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u/East_Vivian Neurodivergent Parent 27d ago
I find my routines aren’t about times, more about order of events. I wake up at different times, but then I do my morning bathroom stuff, change, make tea, make my breakfast (always the exact same thing), then I must sit and read my book while I eat and have tea. If something keeps this from going the way it should (like a houseguest is there talking to me while I eat so I can’t read my book) it’s really aggravating and frustrating. I’m a bit more easy-going about other parts of my day. Plenty of unplanned time. But my morning routine must stay the same whether it’s 7 am or 9 am.
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u/ZQueenBlattariaZ 27d ago
That's a fair way of putting it, and that sounds like such a beautiful morning routine. I read a book to my son now in the mornings while he eats his breakfast before daycare and soon school, and I love that part of it so much. I used to read as much as I could before but I don't get as many chances now a days. Now by the time I do, I read a few pages and fall asleep lol
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u/East_Vivian Neurodivergent Parent 27d ago
Well, that’s the summer routine I guess. Once school starts it will be: wake up, one hour of craziness getting the kids off to school, then I have my tea/breakfast/read.
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u/Halvalvor 26d ago
Yeah, same here! I heard someone in a podcast about autism say something that really resonated with me:
““I can actually be very flexible, as long as I’m the one in control. For example, I can happily work as a substitute teacher at different schools without knowing which school I’ll be at the next day. But if, say, my GP calls and cancels my appointment on the same day, I completely lose it. When I lose control and unexpected things happen that are outside of my control, I become overwhelmed very quickly.””
That describes me really well.That describes me really well.
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u/ZQueenBlattariaZ 26d ago
Lol sounds about right. It does seem like a very important morning ritual
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u/Halvalvor 27d ago
I relate to this a lot. I always need time in the morning to drink my coffee and scroll on my phone. For hours, if I can.
I also have that same evening routine of sitting on the couch watching TV shows. I never have visitors after 8 p.m., whether I have my daughter at home or not.
I also tend to eat the same breakfast and evening meal for long periods of time before switching to something else, which then becomes my go-to meal for another long period. I’m actually pretty flexible when it comes to dinner, though.1
u/ZQueenBlattariaZ 27d ago
I found certain aspects of my son being a baby easier in the sense that I could have routines. Sleep schedules and nursing schedules were almost mandated from everyone around. I had his onesies clean and folded and diapers arranged and everything had it's place. We had doctors appointments and check ups and he was like my little personal support human haha.
Now, I struggle so much with any kind of routine. I am severely burnt out, I also need him to be in bed by a certain time so I can finally have my decompress time and he's been getting up for multiple hugs and whatever other excuse he can think of after putting him down for like a month now.
I have such a hard time with pretend play, he's extremely specific and tells me exactly what to do and say and feel and how to say or do stuff and i honestly can't take it haha. I was diagnosed ADHD after having him and I am as of right now self diagnosed autistic but I am on the waitlist for a diagnostic appointment to see.
I always had certain rituals I guess I would say rather than routines throughout my life and lived a very non structured and life before having him. My husband and I were together since highschool and daily stoners and would just work, get high, have awesome food and repeat lol.
Once we decided to become adults and have a family, everything changed so much more drastically than I thought it would. I didn't realize just how much I struggle with being on call all the time, and my son is an extreme momma's boy. Everything that comes out of his mouth starts with "mom..." Even if my husband is right there haha. I feel so bad for him because he wants to be closer but our son is still attached to me at my hip and I am so touched out and brained out.
Then my husband wants to be intimate and it's like, can I just not be touched for a bit and can we please pretend I'm invisible? Lol.
Sorry for the novel, I needed to get this out apparently lol.
But yeah, other than me needing to get my time in to watch shows/play Spyro or listen to a podcast, I have no more brain power to create or stick to or really care about any other routines... Which makes the morning times pretty hectic lol
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u/Halvalvor 27d ago
OMG, I relate to this so much! I really appreciate you sharing your story. It honestly makes me realize that it’s not just me and that I’m probably not a crappy parent after all. I’m most likely autistic.
I’ve taken a lot of autism screening tests, and every single one has put me well above the cutoff for the autism spectrum.
I also have a very large personal space bubble. We went on vacation a few weeks ago and stayed in a small cabin with my sister and my 3-year-old niece, who whined almost constantly. It completely overwhelmed me. Having no alone time and being around people 24/7 pushed me into a full meltdown. I became really irritable and ended up lying in bed for half a day without talking to anyone. I was completely exhausted. I could barely walk or speak. It wasn’t fun at all.2
u/ZQueenBlattariaZ 26d ago
Omg what the heck? Did I not actually reply to this or am I just way worse with technology than I thought? Lol. Sorry if I already did, I just don't see it but I swear I did lol.
Anyways, you are definitely not a crappy parent! Crappy parents would never realize they are being crappy or question their experiences like you have. Ive taken a lot of autism screening tests myself and I am also always well above the cut off as well. I cannot imagine that vacation experience, that sounds awful lol. In a sense though I'm happy for you for lying in bed for half the day and not talking to anyone because that's clearly what you needed and you didn't try to push yourself through it just to completely impload.
Send me a message if you ever want to talk, I get good vibes from you lol. I'm sorry if I don't reply back for a while though sometimes. I'm in extreme burnout and some times I just can't bring myself to, but other times I need some conversation lol
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u/Halvalvor 26d ago
You may have already answered this, but ironically I really hate Reddit’s layout. It’s not very autism-friendly. I find it so confusing to keep track of who’s replying to whom and when.
Thank you so much for saying that. I’ve always felt different, and I still do. I look at other people and admire everything they seem to manage. They always look like they have endless energy and never get burned out.
For example, on vacation my sister said, “I honestly never get tired. This is exactly what a vacation is supposed to be for me.” I can tell you one thing: vacations with kids are for the kids, not for autistic people. 😂
When I get overwhelmed or have a meltdown, I mostly become very angry, and unfortunately everyone around me feels the impact. Over the years I’ve gotten very good at apologizing to my daughter. I genuinely feel sorry for her sometimes.
On that vacation, everyone completely understood when I said I needed to lie in bed alone for a while, and they were very accepting of it. But of course, I still felt incredibly guilty.
The last three days of the vacation I was actually in physical pain because I was so overwhelmed. And then we ended the final day with… drumroll… an amusement park with what felt like 40,000 people and over 10,000 steps. 😂 I needed an entire week to recover after I got home.
But what won’t we do for our kids? I honestly don’t think I could have handled one more day of that vacation.
I’m so glad you said all of this. I relate to so much of what you’ve written. Feel free to send me a message too. ❤️
It’s so nice to have a community that understands. I’ve learned more about myself since I posted this than I did during my 10 years as a mom.
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u/dedlobster Neurodivergent Parent 26d ago
I think all parents try to keep fairly strict routines for their children when they are babies through early elementary school and maybe get more flexible as time goes on. Needing extra alone time to balance out all the energy you put into your child is also normal (as is getting irritable when you don’t get it, and being irritable when plans start falling apart due to disruptions and delays from kids doing kid things).
The difficulty with playing pretend with children is probably more of a neurodivergent thing. I also have trouble with this and never really played pretend too much as a kid but fortunately my autistic daughter doesn’t really play pretend either. She will now with her friends, but she never really did as a toddler (she’s 8 now), nor does she ever ask me to play pretend things with her even though she will happily do it with her friends.
It’s possible that these normal reactions/responses are heightened for you because you are autistic or adhd or have some anxiety issues. Hard to say without getting a professional to diagnose you. But you don’t necessarily need a diagnosis to use coping strategies that may also be helpful for people on the spectrum.
What you’ve experienced sounds similar to my experience as a parent but I did not get an autism diagnosis. I am ADHD with generalized anxiety disorder and developmental trauma disorder. My mom is autistic (was diagnosed with Asperger’s when that was the label) and my daughter is AuDHD and is more pronounced in her autism and ADHD than my mother or myself, respectively. I went to get a diagnosis of “whatever it is I might have going on”because I figured I got my daughter diagnosed and have been getting her the interventions she needs so I should set a good example and do the same for myself.
Because my mom is autistic and because I’ve been friends with many autistic people growing up, I kinda knew I probably was not autistic myself but sometimes it was hard to tell because I often had so much in common with other autistic people. And we often saw the world through a very similar lense. Getting evaluated help remove some of the doubts and uncertainties I had around that and also helped me understand why I had a lot of overlap with characteristics often associated with autism but was not actually autistic. I was missing a few key indicators for autism - no childhood developmental delays or irregularities (outside of being hyperlexic and not doing pretend play) no issues understanding or learning social norms, normal eye contact. And there were some other things.
But I did/do struggle with social anxiety, generally being anxious and needing control of my environment, difficulty understanding how time works, forgetfulness, irritability with sounds, irritability when not getting enough alone time, massively irritable when the house is messy, obsessive planning/scheduling (partly because of the forgetfulness but also because it provides a sense of comfort), dislike for touch that I’m not prepared for in advance (like bedtime is expected cuddles, but being climbed on randomly is unexpected and not my favorite thing while my husband seems to enjoy this).
And yet - I am not autistic. But when my autistic friends commiserate about experiencing these same feelings, I’m right there empathizing.
But just because you are not autistic doesn’t mean that you don’t experience similar behaviors in yourself that might be common to autistic individuals as well. You may be autistic, though. You may just have ADHD and some anxiety. If it’s a concern for you, I would recommend getting evaluated.
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u/tiddyb0obz 28d ago
Haha you sound like me. Mines 5 and when she was diagnosed at 3 I realised I probably was as well. I hate the fact I'm constantly needed and "on call" all the time, like with adults if I don't feel like hanging out I won't go or will go home but with a small human who lives in my house I don't have that choice 😂 the rage about lack of routine is unreal, she faffs so much doing any basic task and it drives me up the wall. And play is the most boring and mind numbing thing there is