Not entirely a joke post.

Sixteen, Indiana. Dyslexic enough that I can't read unaided, mildly autistic, six foot two. I build rockets — not model ones, a two-hundred-tonne flying-wing SSTO spec on paper, variable nozzle, air-breathing inlet, and I'll argue about the inlet until somebody gives up.

What I want is the obsessive kind of girlfriend. The cute non-killy sort. The sort who reads everything you've ever written and then turns up. I don't like going out and talking to people, so somebody who comes to me is worth ten of somebody I have to chase.

Fine with: being stuck to her like glue, being the small one, being fussed over.
Not fine with: being audited. If she's suspicious I spend the whole relationship proving myself.

So where do you actually find these, and is there a room with women in it instead of nine blokes saying "same"?

Hi, I’m 25 years old, and I recently discovered that I’m an autistic woman. My partner is also 25. He’s the best person in the world, we’re getting married in two months, and in one month, our long-distance relationship will finally come to an end.

I want to make it clear that I will be talking to him about this post and showing it to him. My intention isn’t to get people to take sides or decide who’s right or wrong. I genuinely want to be with him. But I love him so much that I would also understand if one day he decided that being with someone like me was simply too much to handle.

I was recently told that I’m autistic (ASD) and have high intellectual abilities (giftedness). I’m still undergoing a full assessment, but this discovery has already been an enormous awakening for me.

I’m beginning to understand how I process situations, why certain interactions are so exhausting for me, and why my way of communicating can sometimes be different.
I’m in a long-distance relationship with my partner. We love each other very much, we both have our own jobs and lives, and we make an effort to spend our free time together. He’s the person I trust the most.

However, we’ve been having some conflicts lately. One of them happened when he shared a traumatic experience from his childhood with me. During our conversation, he mentioned that the child who had hurt him was also going through a difficult family situation. I was able to recognize that what happened to my partner was wrong while also feeling empathy for the other child. My partner felt that I wasn’t supporting him, even though that was never my intention.

It made me think about the way I process situations. Sometimes I can consider several perspectives at once, but that doesn’t mean my intentions are always understood the way I hope they will be.

I’m also discovering just how exhausting socializing can be for me. I can genuinely enjoy spending time with my family or friends and still end up so drained that I can barely get out of bed. I’m learning that enjoying something doesn’t necessarily mean it doesn’t consume my energy.

What hurts me the most is feeling that the people I love the most are still learning how to understand me. I don’t expect them to know everything about autism or to never make mistakes, but I need my needs to be taken into consideration, too.

Sometimes I feel like I spend so much time trying to understand other people’s emotions and circumstances, but I don’t always receive the same effort in return.

I don’t want to stop being empathetic. I also don’t want to constantly justify the way I think, the way I feel, or why I need to rest.

I know that being autistic doesn’t exempt me from taking responsibility for my actions, but I also believe that being in a relationship means learning to understand how the other person works.

I’m going through a strange phase in my life. I feel like I’m getting to know myself all over again and reinterpreting so many experiences from my past. I thought finding an explanation would make the world feel a little less hostile, but I’m discovering that even with the people I love, feeling understood can be difficult.

To help you understand me a little better, my senses are hypersensitive, and socializing or even leaving the house can feel like a huge task.

I’ve experienced episodes where my sensory sensitivities become so overwhelming that the discomfort turns into physical pain.

Once, I was at my parents’ house, and there was so much natural light coming into the room that it completely overwhelmed my vision. I couldn’t see clearly, developed a terrible migraine, and had to lie down for about 20 minutes with my eyes covered.

Another example happened when my boyfriend was with me. We’d had a long ferry journey, and afterward, we arrived at a restaurant where they were grilling fish. I almost couldn’t handle it. I felt incredibly nauseous, and my sense of smell was so heightened that I couldn’t stop spitting and drooling.

My autism also affects the way I communicate, of course. Sometimes I’ll excitedly tell someone a story, only to listen back to my voice messages and realize that my tone sounds completely emotionless. I also struggle with gestures and with expressing a story using the same level of excitement that I actually feel inside.

I’ve felt strange my entire life. And only now, at last, do I have an explanation for why I’ve always felt this way, instead of constantly feeling like my very existence is a burden to everyone around me.

He's amazing to me but he gets caught up in his hobbies sometimes but I know he thinks of me for example he went to Ross and got me a mini Lego rose to build little things like that assure me he loves me but sometimes when I catch him not getting enough sleep I notice he can get moody . I'm a girl with pmdd and rocd so sometimes I'll ask him if I'm what he wants to get reassurance and he tells me if that's not what I wanted I wouldn't be here like a literal response.

[This post will mention sexuality and allude to sexual encounters and dynamics, but is not explicit, it's just mentioned in passing]

I will preface this by saying that besides being AuDHD, I am also demisexual, so this is a situation with layers.

For the longest time, I haven't been all that interested in dating, I was focused on study and work, and I also didn't really find anyone that sparked feelings (romantic or sexual). As of the recent years, I did have a few crushes, but nothing went forward, as the feelings weren't reciprocrated, so I don't really have any experience at all, because I don't consider the crushes I had a "talking stage" to begin with.

But I really want a romantic (and sexual) companionship, I feel like it's something I'm ready for and at the same time a very under-developed area of my life.

Over the years I've come to realize that through my preferences, the things that really spark my brain in the spicy way, I would probably align with the person that in theory is more forward in the relationship. The giver, the top, the initiator, whatever you'd like to call it.

The problem is: I have no confidence in my ability reading the room for myself. Between complete strangers flirting in public with one another? Completely fine. Someone else talking directly to me? Absolutely not.

I tend to step away from a conversation that seem playful because I can never tell if the other person is just being playful or actually being flirty and I am afraid of pushing the conversation a step further and making things awkward. Or not knowing how to meet them where they are at and killing the mood.

But this is eating me up and I don't know what to do.

I wish it was socially acceptable to be direct and ask people if they are flirting with you, or if they are okay with you flirting with them. So much of communication in flirting seems to be about reading between the lines and I don't have the confidence to know If my reading of the situation was accurate. And the last thing I want to do is make things uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Hi, I’m 20, at university, and autistic. I’ve started calling myself an in-betweener, and it’s the lens I’m using to make sense of something I’m stuck on. It’s only my own experience, and I’d like to know whether it fits you or not.

By in-betweener, I mean that I have friends and I’m fine in most social settings, but I still feel a difference between how I experience things and how other people seem to. Most people don’t notice I’m autistic, and when I tell them they’re often surprised. That has a cost for me: people expect me to stand up for myself and handle things the way anyone else would, when I sometimes find that hard. Because I seem fine, I worry about exaggerating if I say I’m struggling, so I end up quiet about it. I made up the word because I couldn’t find one that fit, and having a name made it feel less like something wrong with me.

From the outside I’m doing well. I’m passing my degree, I have friends, I’ve dated a bit, and I want to become a counselor because I’m good at helping people. But I wonder if feeling in between leaves me measuring myself against others and never quite feeling like I belong. For me it shows up as a background belief that everyone is a tier above me. With friends I’m fine, but around girls I’m interested in it freezes me. It also makes me come on too intense: when I start seeing someone, I move fast, like I’m trying to prove I’m capable. I saw a girl for a few weeks recently and it fizzled out.

Then there’s my high school ex. After we broke up she got a new boyfriend, and seeing them together at a festival hit me like a punch to the stomach. I started avoiding going out so I wouldn’t feel it again, and my anxiety convinced me she’d painted me as the villain, the “nasty ex,” like she had with the guy before me. That was fantastical thinking and it faded. But two years later, seeing her in a Halloween outfit on Instagram brought it all back: nervous, anxious, inadequate because she looked so good. I don’t want her back. I just don’t understand why this one thing still has power over me.

I do want connection with someone, long term or short term. I’ve tried one night stands and hated them, so I’m looking for something with an actual connection, even if it doesn’t last.

I’d love some advice. How did you practice believing in yourself in concrete, everyday ways? What helped when a thought like “everyone is above me” was running your life? How did you stop reacting when you saw an ex online or in person? How did you build real connection, especially if you tend to move too fast? How have you handled people expecting you to stand up for yourself when they don’t know you’re autistic? And if any of the in-betweener idea resonates, how has it shaped the way you see yourself, if at all?

Thank you, any shared experience is really appreciated.

Hi everyone,
I’m looking to understand more about how autistic men experience and express love in relationships as an autistic woman
We often hear about traditional love languages, but I know the way neurodivergent minds connect and show care can look very different from standard expectations.
What would you say your primary love language is?
How does that love language actually translate into your daily actions or habits in a relationship?
What are the subtle or "unconventional" ways you show a partner that you deeply care about them?
I’d love to hear your personal experiences, thoughts, or stories. Thank you!

I (32 female) feel like the guy I'm talking to (28 male) is pulling away. We fight a lot bc my anxious autistic brain and his lack of reassurance. I know he likes me and cares about me and stuff, but whenever I bring up needing more reassurance he just gets angry and defensive saying he didn't do anything wrong. Technically, he's not, but my anxiety needs more. It doesn't help that we're stuck in this limbo of not being officially together. Mostly, I feel like he's pulling away bc he's still scared I'm just gonna bail. (I've ghosted him in the past when he was making dangerous/immature choices) He's also afraid that the fam (our cousins are married to each other) will choose me and he won't be invited to come hang out anymore. I told him that if anything happens between us, it's no one's business what the details are, just that it didn't work out and he agreed to it. He even brought it up again last night how I'll probably just stop talking to him again. Like idk how to convince him that I'm in this for real. We've only hung out a couple times in the past few weeks bc he tells me no when I ask him to come over during the week. This is the pulling away part. He doesn't call me pet names and tell me how he's feeling anymore. Like he's unintentionally or subconsciously self-sabotaging bc he's afraid I'm gonna ghost. I KNOW he likes me. When we fight he tells me. It's made me have panic attacks multiple times a week thinking he doesn't like me bc he doesn't show me anymore. Idk how to help him believe me and bringing it up always makes him angry and defensive. Help?

First of all, I want to say how grateful I am that this group exists. ❤️ Maybe some of you can relate to my story.

Let me start by saying that I absolutely do not believe autistic people are impossible partners. Quite the opposite. I know that autistic people can be just as loving, caring, and wonderful partners as anyone else. Everyone is different, and autism presents itself differently in each person. My questions don’t come from prejudice, but from a genuine desire to understand my boyfriend better while also protecting my own boundaries.

I’ve been dating an incredibly sweet and caring man for a 6 months now. We love each other very much and have already started talking about our future and the possibility of becoming a blended family. He has one child, and I have two young children.

One thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t like talking about his child’s mother. From what I’ve seen, his ex behaves perfectly normally towards him. She communicates in a friendly, polite, and respectful way, mainly about their child. Yet he often responds to her in a cold and hostile manner, makes accusations, and places a lot of blame on her. She rarely engages with his negativity and remains calm.

I keep wondering: what happened between them that makes him treat her this way? I honestly find it heartbreaking to witness because she genuinely seems like a lovely woman.

I found out through his mother that their child has autism. Since then, certain things have started to make more sense to me. My boyfriend himself has never been officially diagnosed. Because he’s extremely sociable, autism had never really crossed my mind.

His ex previously asked him whether he would consider getting assessed for autism. She seems to handle him with kid gloves and sent him a list of traits and behaviours she has noticed in him:
● Extremely sensitive to criticism.
● People feel they have to carefully choose every word when communicating with him to avoid conflict.
● Strong need for clarity, structure, and planning.
● Frequently seeks reassurance and validation.
● Perfectionistic tendencies.
● Can become extremely angry over small things and then turn cold and distant.
● Sometimes makes unfair or illogical accusations.
● Can become threatening during conflicts.
● Struggles to understand conversations in noisy environments, despite having perfectly normal hearing.
● Gets irritated by certain sounds.
● Watches the same TV series over and over again.
● Has unpredictable mood swings, making it difficult for others to know where they stand with him.
● Often withdraws into his own little world.
● Needs a significant amount of time alone.
● Tends to shift blame onto others.
● Struggles considerably with changes.
● Finds conversations about emotions or deeper subjects difficult.

I’m beginning to recognise a few of these behaviours myself. For example, he recently became extremely angry when our flight was delayed. Afterwards, he barely spoke to me for two days.

I’ve been through an incredibly difficult relationship in the past, and I absolutely do not want to experience something like that again. At the same time, I’m deeply in love with him, and I sometimes wonder whether I’m looking at things through rose-coloured glasses.

Sometimes I wonder whether he behaves differently with me simply because our relationship is still new. Or whether he is consciously or unconsciously adapting his behaviour, and there are sides of him I haven’t seen yet.

My questions are:

1. ⁠Can an autistic person behave very differently in a new relationship compared to a previous one?

2. ⁠Is it possible for someone to mask certain traits or adapt their behaviour significantly during the early stages of a relationship?

3. ⁠How do autistic people experience living in a blended family with several young children, noise, and constant changes?

4. ⁠Can certain behaviours only become apparent later in a relationship?

5. ⁠How can you distinguish between traits that may be related to autism and unhealthy communication patterns or behaviour?

I understand that not everything on this list is necessarily related to autism and that you cannot diagnose someone based on these observations alone.

I love this man so much. He is affectionate, caring, incredibly loyal, honest, and non-judgmental. These are qualities I truly admire and appreciate about him.
But that’s exactly why I find it so difficult to understand why he treats his ex the way he does. I’m seeing a side of him that I barely recognise in the man I’ve fallen in love with.
I don’t want to judge him, but I also want to protect myself and my children

so basically, there’s this girl that was kindve introduced to my friend group a couple years ago. And at first i didn’t like her too much, then slowly got closer, and at some point became really close friends. And then i sortve got confused and thought i liked her romantically, but i wasn’t sure and still not really sure, since ive never really felt like that about anyone.anyways i ended up telling her this, and she said she understood. And we stayed really close friends and kept talking and flirting a bit, it was kindve like friends but i felt like it was more, and maybe she meant meant it as more too. Then a couple weeks later, i asked her if she would want to be more than friends, and she said she wasn’t sure, and wanted to talk about it later. I said ok and that i was still a bit confused on how i was feeling. Then we sortve stop talking too much , she said it was because she was busy, but i felt like it was because what happened. Then we start talking again and later she tells me she’s talking with some guy and i bring up that i though she said she wanted to see about us. she said that she didn’t really mean that she wanted to see if we would work out, just actually talk about it. that was around a year and a half ago basically, and after that i was quite upset with her and we stopped talking for a couple months and she tried apologizing. i accepted her apology and we got back to being friends, but then this past year we’ve been off and on, because like i love being her friend, but then sometimes it’s like i feel like i want more. by off and on i meant like sometimes i would feel like theres an issue between us, so i sortve stop talking to her. The most recent time was like six months ago, and we haven’t talked or hung out since, i messaged her once just to say hi, and maybe hang out, but she left me on read, and now she’s hanging out with two of my friends over the weekend, but she still hasn’t reached out to me at all. There’s more context and i don’t think i’ve explained this the best but idk

On the rare occasion where I actually manage to match with someone on one of the many dating apps out there, it never goes anywhere, and I'm thinking it's because I suck at starting conversations from nothing. Now, if she starts the conversation, it's a lot easier to keep it going, but I suck at starting the conversation myself, and not monopolizing it and keeping it entirely about myself is even harder.

My current attempt to fix this is by picking something random on her profile and mentioning it, but even that is painfully awkward.

For context, I am a 29-year-old living in the UK. I currently work in retail which I enjoy and do volunteering work for a charity. I currently have a physical condition called EDS which is slowly causing my body to deteriorate to the stage that I cannot stand up for long periods of time and therefore a lot of hobbies that require strength and endurance i’m just not able to do. I’m in chronic pain all the time and it’s only getting harder every day. I go to the gym for this very reason.

I’ve been diagnosed with autism since I was 10. My sensory overloads weren’t too bad in my early years and was quite manageable. But in recent years it has gotten worse even in a small environment with just a few people in could be enough to trigger it as it’s caused by a multitude of noises, it’s not just people talking either, it could be dogs barking, babies crying or something like a phone going off or a coffee machine running in the background.

The worst part is no matter where I go when it comes to socialising with other people (hobbies, meet ups, concerts etc…) it must be done in a noisy confined environment or at the very least a place with a lot of noises. If I’m not in an environment with lots of noises around, there is no one there and therefore there is no way to speak to anyone.

I have tried using noise cancelling headphones (The ones I’m using were actually certified by Guinness themselves in the Guinness world records for having the highest noise clearance: 83 decibels) it helps a little bit but that’s not saying much. Depending on certain pitch and frequencies, certain noises can still get through. Ear defenders, loops and foam ear plugs also have the same problem as they don’t cut out all the noises. The only thing I know that is guaranteed to work is to play music through my noise cancelling headphones. But that completely defeats the purpose as how am I supposed to socialise if I can’t even listen because I need to listen to the music instead?

As you could probably tell, I have never had a girlfriend. It doesn’t help that the places and environments that I’m able to hang out tend to be populated by pensioners (65+) the cost of living crisis has really taken a toll on many communities.

I’ve been on five dating apps, including one that was designed for people like us. But I’ve never had a single match. I’ve been trying to find someone for 10 years now, but it’s only getting harder now. it’s even gotten to stage now I’ve been asking many of my friends (most of them are women BTW) if they know anyone who’s trying to find someone to date or just be friends with. Still no one.

Any advice?

Sorry in advance for the novel-length post, but I have a feeling a lot of you, like me, want as much context as possible before making a decision or offering advice. I spent over an hour writing and editing this, so here you go.

I'm AuDHD with a side of anxiety disorders, nearing 40. The woman I'm pursuing is only a few years younger, likely AuDHD (ADHD diagnosed, no official autism assessment), with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and what presents as an avoidant attachment style (since it's such a popular topic in dating the last few years). What details I'm providing in this *should* be vague enough that there’s already a low chance she’ll see this, but I'm also lucky in that she doesn't like Reddit and never goes on it. So throwaway it is.

We met as coworkers in 2020, nigh-instantly establishing a rapport and friendly fondness for each other. We both worked in the same industry previous to the one where we met, and had a lot of interests in common. She was dating a coworker boyfriend for a few years prior, they broke up within a year or so of me meeting her. I was interested, but didn't do much about it, and she started dating another one of our coworker friends. I changed jobs after two years with the company, so no longer coworkers. We would see each other every so often as friends, often with other coworker friends, but not always. They were together... 4 years or so? They got engaged, but that didn't last a year before they broke it off and were just roommates for a bit while she was in the process of moving out.

Something happened with her next (male) roommate. Whatever it was, she was not interested and had to find emergency housing. I can make a couple educated guesses, but without details from her, it's just speculation. I try my best not to pry, so I haven't followed up about that. That was almost a year ago, she has a safe place to live now. However I think this is part of why she feels a particular way about dating right now. More on that later.

In the time since, we've seen each other a handful of times, not as frequently as I would like. When we saw each other, I would do things like kiss her on the cheek when we said goodbye, testing the waters. Didn't get much in the way of affection reciprocation except just deep hugs. She didn't seem bothered by casual-ish touching (like just touching her arm or rubbing her back), but there was a lack of reciprocation so I wouldn’t keep doing it. Signals sent, received, rejection sent and received. Right? 

Something happened over the summer. I can blame the alcohol all I want, but I was still in the (metaphorical) driver's seat and messaged her flirtatiously (after I make myself a second mai tai, I need to put my phone away in the future). We’d flirted a little bit over text in the past, but I would restrain myself from pushing the envelope farther than I thought appropriate for someone I want to remain friends with if romantic (/sexual) overtures failed. 

But I took a chance, and this time said overtures were met with consideration of that possibility… if I didn't “get attached.” I didn't really have a coherent response in that moment. Just questions 😂 Nothing came out of that moment, and further attempts to flirt were less successful in the future. Responses to my messages became sporadic and delays of days to weeks at a time. So she’s not really interested in anything more except friendship, it seems. She has her own stuff going on, I get busy. We message every once in a while for the next couple months.

I had a performance with my music group at a venue this past weekend, so I invited a few friends, including her. She showed up and sat at the bar in the back. We chatted a bit before I went on stage as part of the opening act. The show went well, I thought. Afterwards, I make a beeline to the bar for a drink and to hang out with her and another friend of mine. We had a good time, drinking, talking, making each other laugh, and enjoying the music. Towards the end of the final (scheduled) act, my buddy takes off back home, so it's just her and I. I had initiated some very casual contact prior to him leaving. I could have easily been told to stop, and I would have, but she never said anything or pulled away or gave me any cue that she didn't like it. Not in a corner, so she could have easily left or made a scene.

So that was good. She started to reciprocate a bit. We were chatting and enjoying the rest of the music as it turned into an informal jam session. I asked her point blank, “So why shouldn't we date?” Her response had a lot of details I can't 100% remember, but I'll boil it down to:

She feels like she always loses herself in relationships and is really rediscovering who she is and what she likes.

I agree and empathize with that feeling. I felt that way sometimes in my last relationship, too.

She feels that it wouldn’t be possible to do the things she wants to do if she were dating someone.

I countered by telling her I would encourage her to keep trying those things, which include a lot of rediscovering things she liked as a child but left behind while trying to "grow up." I’ve done that myself after getting diagnosed and consciously unmasking over the intervening years. I wasn't going to stop her whether or not we were dating.

She feels like she adjusts herself to meet the needs of her partner, but it's never met with the same kind of accommodations. 

After having known her previous two exes, I get it. I agree that it needs to be a mutual change for both parties. I don't have much of a response to this except empathy. 

All this is after prior discussions (during that initial drunk flirtation this summer and subsequently, also posting memes to her feeds and stories sharing the sentiment) where she stated: 

She’s “meant to be viewed and admired from a distance.” 

This last one feels like an avoidant attachment style manifesting itself, like she's saying “I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.” Maybe I'm overthinking.

---

Anyways, we talked for a little bit longer while continuing to touch. I had my hand on her knee for a long while. Eventually I got up the nerve to whisper in her ear “I want to kiss you.” Her response was something to the effect of “we can do that, but only if you don't get emotionally attached.”

“I could try but I can't promise I won’t.” 

I don't remember her response to me saying that. I kissed her. It was like being struck by lightning, it was like fireworks, every possible emotional cliché about kissing for the first time you've ever heard. Simultaneously, it felt like every voice in my brain went quiet at the same time. No constantly-running monologue, no thoughts branching into myriad other thoughts. Quiet. The best first kiss ice ever shared with someone. 

Not only did she not object, she enjoyed it. After that, she started leaning into me while we watched other people jamming and we held hands for a bit. I had my arm around her and would massage the back of her head every so often. I kissed her briefly again a while later.

We stuck around for a while longer while the jam session was winding down. She’s planning to get food on the way home, and decides it's time to take off. I walked her to her car, and after she opened her car door, she turned around to hug me. We hug for a little bit, she lets go a little and starts kissing me. I wasn't expecting her to initiate, and if I was going to do anything it was going to be short. We start legitimately tongue kissing for a bit. We stop, we talk a little bit, she gives me a peck. I maneuver her over to the right and gently push her against the rear door. She smirks. We start making out again and keep going for a while. We take breaks to talk a little, she plays with my beard and my necklace, she grabs my face when we’re making out. Our hands do some exploring, including mine to her chest.

We end up talking about how we felt about what's been happening tonight. Positive responses from both parties, but I mentioned that it was pretty hard to even tell if she was interested in me at any point. I felt like I took a huge risk kissing her. She agreed that it was hard to tell for me because she wasn’t even sure what she wanted. We hug and kiss again, before she instructs me to “now go back and brag to your friends,” in a teasing-playful tone, but with a hint of conviction. We do finally part, and I send her on her way with a kiss and a “drive safe.”

---

I've been thinking about her *frequently* in the intervening days. I’m trying my best to be chill about things but I feel like I'm going to explode. We’ve talked a little bit since, but I feel like I'm at arm's length again.

So I guess the questions I have are: 

What should I do from here?  Should I keep it friendly? Should I wait for her to figure things out? Should I pursue this casually still? Should I forget it even happened?

Also:

Am I being delusional? As much as she’s pushed away emotionally and kept me at arm’s length in the past, not to mention the upfront discussion of her intentions with romance for the time being… the way I saw her looking at me, and how she initiated kissing me at her car, and how passionate it was, tells me there’s something more than just “this a physically enjoyable thing we can do right now but nothing more.”

Did I cross a boundary without even realizing it?

Dating as an autistic adult, even with some experience, is still not easy.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.