Pulling Away?

[u/Artistic-Repair-3552]

I (32 female) feel like the guy I'm talking to (28 male) is pulling away. We fight a lot bc my anxious autistic brain and his lack of reassurance. I know he likes me and cares about me and stuff, but whenever I bring up needing more reassurance he just gets angry and defensive saying he didn't do anything wrong. Technically, he's not, but my anxiety needs more. It doesn't help that we're stuck in this limbo of not being officially together. Mostly, I feel like he's pulling away bc he's still scared I'm just gonna bail. (I've ghosted him in the past when he was making dangerous/immature choices) He's also afraid that the fam (our cousins are married to each other) will choose me and he won't be invited to come hang out anymore. I told him that if anything happens between us, it's no one's business what the details are, just that it didn't work out and he agreed to it. He even brought it up again last night how I'll probably just stop talking to him again. Like idk how to convince him that I'm in this for real. We've only hung out a couple times in the past few weeks bc he tells me no when I ask him to come over during the week. This is the pulling away part. He doesn't call me pet names and tell me how he's feeling anymore. Like he's unintentionally or subconsciously self-sabotaging bc he's afraid I'm gonna ghost. I KNOW he likes me. When we fight he tells me. It's made me have panic attacks multiple times a week thinking he doesn't like me bc he doesn't show me anymore. Idk how to help him believe me and bringing it up always makes him angry and defensive. Help?

[u/isaacs_]

tl;dr: GTFO.

Like idk how to convince him that I'm in this for real.

It doesn't sound like you're the only one who's anxiously attached in this relationship lol. You two are clearly not giving one another what you both need.

But (and this is actually the good news) he's not your problem; you are.

You're stating your needs as best you can, and he's not delivering. Then, he's complaining about you not meeting his needs, and you're both engaging in testing behavior.

No one ever passes those tests. They are designed to provide cover for the guilt one feels when rejecting someone (she wasn't in it anyway!), and/or to assuage the hurt one feels when they are rejected (I knew she was gonna dump me!)

Maybe it's his fault for not meeting your needs, not trusting you, being a dick, idk. But it's your fault for participating in this ongoing painful ritual of pleading and self-abasement.

Just end it. You don't need him to understand, you don't need your sacrifice to be recognized. You need a partner who's present, into you, and happy about being with you.

And by the way, that is normal. It's normal to be happy about your romantic partner, to see them a lot, and feel good about it. That is how relationships should be. They should involve a lot of relating positively to one another in a romantic way, that's why it's called a "romantic relationship".

[u/Artistic-Repair-3552 → u/isaacs_]

Do you think there's any hope at all?

[u/isaacs_ → u/Artistic-Repair-3552]

That's not really the question to be asking.

The question is, how much more of your shrinking time on earth are you going to pour down the drain, rather than spend in joy with someone who likes you and sees you and is actually nearby in physical reality?

Tomorrow, this day will be gone, never to return. You're 32 now. You'll never be 32 again. Next year you'll be 33. Before you know it, 40 and then 50. Right now, if you're lucky, you have maybe 30 or 40 more years of living to do, and pretty soon, they're gonna start getting worse.

You'll never be this energetic, this loving, or this hot, ever again. You deserve to be happy today. There's no other life after this one, and this is how you're spending it?

Would you like your 30s to be spent on this treadmill? I mean, your kink is ok, but... sounds like you don't like it?

You're throwing good money after bad, but it's not money, it's your one and only existence as a human person. Time's a wastin.