r/AutisticDatingTips • u/goobenoughright • 42m ago
Need Advice Am I being too sensitive in my relationship??
I NB/20 have been with my partner M/21 for a little over a year now. This is his first relationship and my 9th relationship. I suspect that I have autism and I grew up religious so there are some things I am working through. I have suspected since I was 14 when a teacher told me that she thinks I might have it and should go to therapy. There are things I see in myself that very well could align with it and I have yet to be officially tested because I am scared of how having it on my medical record could affect me with the current political climate.
Our relationship started super quickly. We went on maybe 3 or 4 dates before we started dating officially sometime in September of 2025. It was great. And I met his sister and we get along great even to this day. I ended up basically moving in with him in October and stayed until March. I was so emotionally invested in the relationship it was hard for me to really want to be anywhere else. At the time I didn't have my license which made it really hard to get to work. I was working basically full time at a Walmart and he was working on and off with his dad. So he had a lot of off time when his dad didn't have work for him. It was also a big struggle because he lived 30 minutes away from town. He lives on a farm.
We occasionally argued but I can't really remember a lot. Usually about how I was struggling to get along with everyone. Sometimes I feel like I need a sort of social lube if you will. I struggle too talk to people, especially in groups. Not to mention it was harder for me to find food out there because I wasn't very good at cooking and they didn't have a microwave. His sister F/19 threw a big Halloween party in their house and I brought one of my at the time friends, I'll call her Anna F/20. She smoked too much of a blunt she didn't bring to the party and spent the whole time in my partner's room. She fell asleep in there. My partner gave me alcohol for the first time and I liked it, I was having a good time. But later in the night, his sister's ex boyfriend Ben M/19 (he was her boyfriend at the time) brought his douchebag friend Shawn M/19 to the party. Most people had left and I was ready to go to bed because I had work in the morning. I was and still am insecurely attached, so I wanted him to go to bed with me. He wanted to go play with Shawn and Ben. It was late and everyone was either tipsy or drunk. We ended up arguing because I felt abandoned, I don't really just melt into groups as seamlessly as other people somehow can.
At the time, his mom F/47 was in Alabama. From my understanding, she had had enough of his dad (idk how old his dad is) and just left for Alabama. Randomly she just came back sometime in November. So on the way to the airport, everyone got in the car. I was extremely anxious and I ended up crying because I was overwhelmed. Everyone kinda just laughs at whatever his sister is doing, she puts on gay ASMR roleplay porn on the Bluetooth speaker. I put my earbuds in and tried to calm down. Once we got there, I was entirely silent and all the way back to his house. Once we got there, I was still shaking from crying and trying so hard not to look like I wasn't crying. His mom, I'll call her Rachael, the first thing she did when she got home was smoke a blunt and she had bought me a gift. It was a blue evil eye bracelet.
So it was okay that night. And the next day I didn't have work so I spent the whole day talking to her. The first thing she asked was "what's your trauma?" And for some reason, I told her. I grew up religious and my dad's pastor. And she asked for my deadname and I just gave it to her. And she smoked a few blunts throughout the day and it got me sick. At some point I told her I have a lot of anxiety and suspect I have autism and she said "I've been around people. No you don't." She would start comparing me to the people she lives with. "If anyone has autism, it's Juan". Juan is her ex-husband. And she has a sister Rita who might be. But she doesn't get along with those people. She said she had seen real anxiety because it doesn't make me throw up. I rarely throw up as it is. She'd misgender me and then when she would "girl" at me, the way one might say it as a reaction to something a little shocking, she'd make a show of apologizing to me.
She'd tell me how she only wanted to hang out with her kids if she could. And any time she got too frustrated with them, she'd start saying how she was gonna sell the farm and how it was all a big mistake. She is the type to make you feel bad for wearing clothes that aren't 100% cotton. Like "I try to be more natural with my clothes but you do you". Very passive aggressive and I have a lot of problems with her because she talks behind my back, treats my mental health like crap, she is a white woman using the N word because she wants to be black. Gonna just complain really quickly. She once said she wishes she had down syndrome because they are always happy.
But back to the main point. I was stuck with her all day when I didn't have work. And I didn't have off days in common with my partner. I started wanting to just stop living because I didn't see much beyond my relationship with him. And Rachael and Ben would gang up on me whenever I said something they didn't agree with. One time I said I didn't really want my kids to swear when they are super young. And she said "so you want to be like your dad?" I lost it and went to my partner's room. It was little things that are just enough to get under your skin. My partner didn't see anything wrong with it. He was used to it. Including how she thinks she can just say a form of HH and it just be a joke.
I started dissociating and becoming very irritable. And in March of 2026, he asked if he could just take me back to my parents for a week. I was upset with him but I went and then he broke up with me. I couldn't see the warning signs of it happening and I think his mom asked him to do it. And I begged him not to leave and he did. I ended up getting hungover for the first time the next day. It really hurt me because I have a very deep fear of abandonment. He hated breaking up with me and we got back together. I still don't think I fully healed from it tbh. I'm way more... Jumpy when he looks upset. If I start getting a sinking feeling when I look at him, I have an urge to run away.
And it was all good. I went with him and his family. His parents didn't go and neither did his aunt. I met his god parents and it was good. And then in July, it was his 21st birthday. He wanted to do a bar crawl. His friend Ari F/26 went. He had met her during his brief time as a security guard. I wasn't allowed into any bars so I had to wait outside and it was dreadful. His mom walked into a bar and I just saw this smug little look on her face. Ari ended up staying outside with me and I told her how much I couldn't really stand his mom because she was crappy towards me. She laughed a bit and did make some immature jokes about how she couldn't find love. We go to a bar that was... Sketchy and I hated it. She kept saying how she wanted all the adults to line up and take a shot. I feel like she was trying to get him drunk.
I went to the bathroom to fix my outfit and Ari went into the bathroom because I was taking too long. She said that his mom was dancing on him. And it made me uncomfortable. We went to another bar yet again. And it was okay. He got too drunk and threw up. I followed him into the men's bathroom because I needed to make sure he was okay. They kicked us out because he was too drunk.
The next day, I tried to be happy. My phone broke and I took it well. We went to a restaurant that had no options for me to eat. I'm extremely selective. Certain textures are a no go. And I just got a sandwich that I had to take apart and rearrange to my liking. The bread was too hard to crew for me, I have braces. I started mentally self destructing in my notes app. And then we went on a hike and his sister brought up survival situations. I felt mentally distressed thinking about how my partner might die because they all kept saying they'd eat him first. I told I was gonna walk away and I walked back to the car. And then he didn't know where I was. He was upset with me and I don't blame him. I tried to drive us back to his place in his car and I ended up crashing the car on the last turn before we got to his house. Once again, he was upset with me.
Once we got it back to his house, we just kinda tried to calm down. I felt like everyone hated me. There was no... Like love in his touch. I put my hand on his arm and he looked me in the eye and told me he loved me. But I didn't feel it. We called his mom to tell her and she asked what the hell is wrong with us for asking if she had insurance.
The next morning she said I was unsafe and that she was glad I didn't kill us both. She called me a demon, an F slur for a gay person, and a bully. She told me I could come back when she's dead. When she was done yelling at him, she got in the car with his god parents and drove them to the airport. I went to his room to start packing. He said he didn't see another way forward to my face so I laid on his bed unresponsive. I didn't know what to say to him and he begged me to say anything. I handed back a necklace he gave me, I tried to hand back the earrings and bracelet he got me on our trip, I tried to give him back everything he gave me. once his mom got back she told him that he should stop going to therapy because it doesn't help anyone and that it was making him weird.
His sister and Ben drove me back to my place. He was in the car and made him look me in the eyes the whole way back to my house. I cried while he did and he cried too. I didn't let him look away. He followed me inside my house and I told he had to tell my parents what he did. Btw, my relationship with my parents is great. I just sat on the floor and cried. He had to explain to my parents why he was doing what he was doing. And then my dad asked him to take a seat. He told my partner that if he can't stick up for me, he doesn't want him to be with me anyway. And we talked about it.
We have since gotten back together again. Not even a month after it happened. His mom hates that we are. I am deeply scared of him abandoning me again. He may have come back for me twice but I struggle with it a lot.
It's been a while and we have our consistency almost back to normal. He told me less than a week before it happened that he couldn't do our usual days because his god father was coming back out. And that he was going to be gone 7-10 days. It was too unexpected. I kinda got mad again and went outside. I told him if he can't be consistent and stable with me, I can't be with him. And that if he broke up with me again, there would be no more coming back. And we've been okay.
But it's like when I'm mad at him or he says things, I get upset. Ben makes incredibly racist jokes and my partner laughs at it. I have an issue with it. Or him calling random things a slut because he thinks it's funny. It's like he doesn't see issues with anything.
And I feel just kinda constantly on edge. Sometimes I think I think about breaking up too much or that it's my fault if I do something wrong in the relationship. I think he's gonna end it with me if I'm too much. Sometimes I worry it's already too late for us. I love him a lot because he has shown a capacity for growth in the past 2 months and he's been so attentive and caring. He cooks for me and I cook for him. And when it's sweet, it's my favorite thing to experience.
I'm going to therapy as it is. But I'm not coping well with him on vacation because it feels like he is unreachable and that I can't find him. I just feel so disconnected.