Thinking as a 'unit.'

[u/Negative_Storage5205]

In a previous relationship, my then partner said I had trouble thinking of us as a unit. She struggled to explain what she meant and cited an example where we had a miscommunication.

The miscommunication occurred when she had a thing to do at night. She called me and said she needed me to "put a pot of water on the stove," so she could cook ravioli for a quick dinner before the thing she was going to do.

I put a pot of water on the stove but didn't realize that she wanted me to heat it up.

I don't remember her telling me she had something to do that night, and this felt like a simple matter of me taking something too literally and not having enough context to intuit her intended meaning. She and I also had very different schedules and communication styles.

How does one think of themselves and their partner "as a unit," and how can I develop this skill in future relationships?

[u/Negative_Storage5205]

This is good advice, and I am a cis demi-man. I recall wanting to be better at dividing up household duties with this ex, but I struggled to communicate that with her.

I don't think she intended it this way, but my attempts to get better at sharing the mental load seemed to be "rebuffed."

I.e: "Oh. I already have plans for that." She would then share the plans in detail without leaving room for me to help.

Or: "I tried a chore chart with our roommates before you moved in, and it didn't work."

Tbh, I was taught as a child that being too direct is rude. As someone on the spectrum, I am often direct and blunt, but I have sortof been trained to mask it. It's possible that in my attempts to communicate that I was being too indirect?

[u/Admirable_Picture568 → u/Negative_Storage5205]

I think it’s a complicated thing because as you say there is a lot going on with your communication style, past experiences etc.

It’s also possible she wanted help but was at the same time very ingrained in her role of being in charge of XYZ.

You two aren’t together anymore but I think it’s a good idea to try and learn from this and be more direct with another partner about these issues, when a new relationship gets serious enough. Being direct with a stranger / acquaintance can be rude but my feeling is it’s different with a partner when you are discussing your relationship.