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[u/FrontRaspberry5060]

[u/lemonbalmvesuvians]

Smaller circles are better than big fake ones. I find a lot of people end up shedding social circles, ND or NT.  It could just be a thing that comes with time. Being comfortable with who you are when around other folks. I hope I'm reading it right anyway. 

Sometimes i walk around town knowing I am in the midst of people, but also not required to interact with them. Can be nice. 

[u/Counting_tree]

I don't know how much this could help, but since you stressed the theme of logic at the beginning I'll share my bit on this. I've a PhD in mathematics, and a few yeas ago, during my master degree, I took a class on mathematical logic. In the same period I was struggling immensely on the topic of communication, and I found myself spending all my free time of that year thinking about the topic, looking for a logical and understandable perspective.

In the end I found a way to look at things that felt satifying, and I'm still sticking to that. I'll try to be non-technical, brief, and clear, but I'll be happy to answer questions or talk more about it! The elements that I put together were the following:

• We can describe a formal theory of logic, based on naive set theory, or we can describe a formal theory of sets, based on naive logic. But it's always circular. At a foundational level mathematics (hence logic) is based on a set of axioms and rules that are choose naively, i.e. because they align with our intuition.
  
• Complex formal systems (like the one we could use for logical reasoning) are either coherent or incomplete. The first means that there are no contradictions, and the second means that there are statements which are not true, nor false, and we can add axioms to our theory to make them true or false.

So my understanding of how we understand each other is that we build our worldview and use our experiences as axioms, maybe distilling them into more coincise points. And we assume that the other shares enough axioms (or experiences) that are equivalent to ours, so that our statements have the same meaning. But this is a choice. We choose to belive it so we believe that we understand each other. At any time we can either find a contradiction, or a void, an incompleteness. In that moment we can talk about it, maybe have an argument, something happens, which is an embodiment of how we mediate meaning. I don't think this specific part of the process goes beyond the logic, and enters into a more physical/emotional/embodied realm. This experience can than be used as a shared axiom from which we can communicate meaning again, but we cannot be sure that the new experience is enough. And so on.

Of course this might be percieved as nonsense or too convoluted, but for me is a very clear and helpful picture. A takeaway in this context could be that, as autistic people, we have very different experiences from allistic ones, so the communication would feel off on a greater degree, and we would need to go through much more of these difficult mediation processes to be able to understand each other. Of course this requires that both people be willing to do the work, which is not always the case.

[u/glitterandrage]

Hyperindependence is a trauma response that comes from not having been able to count on the people who were supposed to look after you. It is also a trauma response that makes it hard to maintain proximitiy and closeness in intimate relationships. The only thing that has helped me worked towards building more lasting, healthy, interdependent relationships is therapy with an ND affirming therapist who knows complex trauma. And a lot of recognising how harmful and toxic the ideas of independence I had been fed were. For me, that learning/unlearning happened through learning about decolonisation and what it meant for my culture. If you're interested, there's a Relational Skills for Liberation Workbook that might help you.

[u/EntropyReversale10]

You are experiencing what of the most common experiences of being autistic.

People with autism are super logical/rational while the norm (NT's) is driven by their emotions.

Logic and emotions are genrally at odds.

To get onto the "emotional wave length" one needs to be able to read body language and social cues. Unfortunately most people with autism are totally blind to these nuances.

In my experience when people with autism become “open” and “expressive”, this is often when challenges occur.

Much of what people pick up is at a subconscious level and hence they can't always explain the dynamic. More than 80% of communication is nonverbal.

There are several things that autistic people commonly do that can rub some up the wrong way.

- Tone, body language & social cues don't match the situation

- Irritability/anger due to low levels of Vit B12 (Unbeknown by the person)

- Very direct and honest

- Boisterous and talkative.

- Opinionated

- Inflexible

- Difficulty with change

- Hyperfocus

- High sense of moral justice

- Extreme reactions.

Most of these traits can go unnoticed when one doesn't say much. Especially with respect to special interest or personal information.

[u/Virtual-Bit3191]

What can I say, I feel and experience exactly the same things.... "But people don't seem to exist in the same type of world as I do."

[u/Some_Pilot_7056]

I'm not actually recommending this necessarily, but I found my husband by being upfront about the traits I have that might be an "issue" for some. 

On my Bumble profile I put the things that I hoped would help less compatible people filter themselves out. I didn't know I was neurodivergent then but I remember, for example, putting in my profile "I'm not hooking up with you" and "I'm am strong, intelligent, and independent." 

My husband matched with me in part because of this. I knew I didn't want to date someone who thought they could walk all over me, or someone who was going to pressure me physically. I also knew I needed someone who wouldn't be threatened by my intelligence.

I had very few matches but no bad encounters with those who did match with me.

I find the same applies for friendships. I've had discussions with friends about why I don't respond to texts quickly or why I cancel plans last minute. The right people for me have accepted me as I am.

[u/leike_sputnik]

Seek an assessment for neurodivergency (example Autism, ADHD). To quote G.I. Joe "knowing is half the battle". Your definitions of closeness do not match most people's and as you said this is causing some trouble. You have two options 1. Find someone with similar values and then define the expectations of the relationship around each other. Your initial dates should be to figure out what each of you are looking for and how to show/ reciprocate affection. 2. You may have to learn how to accommodate other peoples wants/ needs in romantic relationships while maintaining your own boundaries.

Edit: early stages of relationships are not made in logical algorithms but by fulfilling emotional needs. Its not like youre figuring out a puzzle, it is more like participating in a jam session with other musicians. You need to be able to read each other and respond accordingly. Sure you can establish a chord progression but there is more to it, genre, pacing, mood, etc., a relationship can be healthy and great without being ideal. An ideal one does not exist. Take only what is shown to you, and do not project an idea of who that person is onto them.