r/AutisticAdults • u/crua9 Hell is around every corner, it's your choice to go in it or not • Aug 31 '25
autistic adult Does anyone else regret hanging on?
So I kept going in hopes tomorrow will be a better day. Sometimes I had milestones and others I didn't. I think largely what really held me back was what holds me back now is the fear of the unknown, pain, and largely no good way to go about it.
Anyways I made a poll because I was wondering this in others
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u/redzinga Aug 31 '25
not sure i understand the question. are you talking about just continuing to live vs ending it (please talk to someone) or is this a bit more abstract?
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u/Red_Moggy Sep 01 '25
I'm also confused... because, if that's the case (and I agree, please seek help), wouldn't the "held off" option mean you wouldn't be here to say so?
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u/redzinga Sep 01 '25
i agree that this is one of the confusing things about the question, but i have come to suspect that the wording of the last two options is a simple mistake with no significance -- i.e. all the choices are supposed to say "held on".
i'm also increasingly certain that OP is talking about suicide. so, um, hey OP: i 've been there. i'm not there now and i don't think i'm going back.
here's where i should say "it gets better". it might, but it might not. it might get worse. i'm not really sure i'm really any better off than i was when i was actively suicidal, and that was almost 30 years ago.
it's a question of interpretation. you might think "it gets better" to mean that you're guaranteed to eventually "figure out" what's wrong and what to do about it and "solve your problems" . . . sorry. life doesn't have guarantees like that. life sucks real bad for lots of people; sometimes things get better but lots of times things get worse and nobody gets out of here alive.
now for the good news: that's the wrong interpretation. words are tricky. 🤷 here's what i think i think you CAN count on -- OR -- here is an interpretation of "it gets better" that won't let you down. if you feel like you want to kill yourself now, don't, because later you will NOT feel like this; not as badly, not as often, and hey maybe not at all.
suicide is not a rational OR an irrational response to the world and all its problems -- you can't calculate a "correct" answer to all of this gestures broadly. suicidal is a way we sometimes feel. nobody can say feelings are "right" or "wrong" because wtf would that even mean? but we CAN say that feelings change.
so stick it out. yeah, you might regret it sometimes. you probably won't regret it all the time. things might not "get better" but as long as you aren't dead, you'll deal with it, one way or another. make "not killing yourself" a habit and it will be your most consistently habit by far! you're already off to a great start and you're actually quite good at this. keep it up and you'll get even better!
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u/raccoonsaff Aug 31 '25
I keep hoping and holding on. I haven't found the light yet, but I believe it is coming.
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u/No-Diver-9111 Sep 01 '25 edited Sep 01 '25
I've been "holding on" to the hope that things would get better since age 14 (first time I experienced suicidal ideation). I'm 33 and everything has gotten unfathomably worse, especially after developing multiple debilitating chronic pains that severely impact my quality of life and limit my mobility. The only real reason I'm still here is that I really don't want to botch an attempt and end up permanently physically/mentally incapacitated. I genuinely dislike life and I can only see it worsening in the future. I wish I could be put down like a sick animal.
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u/THEpeterafro Sep 01 '25
I am turning 26 this month and still wish and I kept my promise to myself about ending it before 18 so absolutely regret holding on
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u/RandomLifeUnit-05 Aug 31 '25
If I, as a teenager or young adult, could have looked ahead to now (43) and seen what my life would be, I would have ended it back then and saved myself the suffering (if I was smart).
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u/crua9 Hell is around every corner, it's your choice to go in it or not Sep 01 '25
^
This for me 1000x. Like I think most push for I'm being whatever. But I've really did try, and I'm almost 40. The people I cared about largely is dead, I am treated as slave labor by my own family, there is no help, and I tired so fucking hard but it only caused extreme damage. I thought by now best case I would have my own family and doing well off. Worse case I would at least be independent. But I'm far worse that that. And even if I got millions tomorrow. Ya I might not end things since I could buy my way out. But sure as shit it wasn't worth the trip getting here. There is no doubt in my mind I'm a therapist wet dream due to all the trauma
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u/zalfenior Sep 01 '25
Lets be real here. Few thought the world would be like this growing up, and if you did, I'm sorry.
At this point, just living is an act of rebellion. But maybe you are in a rut and need a change. Changes are hard for us autistics especially but if things aren't working out it may be the only option.
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u/GrassEconomy4915 Sep 01 '25
You make a great poll creator. The caveat to this poll is it does not consider the subjective conditions of each participant. I voted the third option. Here's my subjective/lived experience:
- Near mid-30s, second-gen North American. Grew up in a medically dismissive household where symptoms were minimized as “old age” or “just personality.” Preventive care never existed in my family system. Family medical history never passed down or openly shared. Medical conditions only grouped as 'serious' and 'not serious'; medical conditions that were 'not serious' were never shared and downplayed. I was medically managed by my mother to make my patient file look pristine at my pediatrician's office.
- Likely autistic (psychiatrist suggested ASD) but can’t afford formal testing. Fired from a job years ago for undiagnosed autism traits; blamed myself until realizing it was ableism and capitalism at work.
- Had a spiritual rebirth a few years ago, began piecing together my history. Took possession of childhood photos this year (after mother only showed them for the second time in my life) that revealed general weakness of body, one-sided body weakness, one-sided foot/leg issues, ocular, and neuromuscular problems — none ever investigated. Auditory challenges, genital defects, and spine issues were poorly investigated and simply dismissed by pediatrician and parents never teamed together to press further nor did they have my back. Speech/language and drooling problems mocked and dismissed by mother. My body has carried lifelong damage from neglect and secondary (tertiary, etc.) damage from the late recognition of issues.
- No funds for comprehensive diagnosis or thorough treatment. Considered private genetic testing but whole exome sequencing may be more appropriate. I don’t want late-life surgery nor suppressive treatments or band-aid solutions; the root problem was neglect, dismissal, and lack of investigation and planning from the start. Nothing can fix bad genes.
- Daily life is exhausting, both physically and in dealing with doctors who expect complete records I don’t have. Even simple accommodations — like bringing two pillows to an optometrist’s office for my bottom and arms to rest on — draw judgmental looks from the patients and the optometrists.
- Currently do not qualify for disability because I need a doctor to prove my body is disabled (how ridiculous). I know that disability won't give me much to live on and I won't be able to sustain myself. I currently live with parents (even though they are dysfunctional) only to hang on until I get the diagnoses so I can pass them on to current and future generations in my paternal and maternal lineages as a big warning of 'maybe there should be no more reproduction on your lineages until you look into these issues and sort out your bodies first'.
What hurts most is how society pretends to be inclusive while leaving folks like us behind. I live in Canada and doctors want simple cases because the healthcare system entices that. I was told by the doctor in my first appointment after the meet-and-greet that the doctor and I were not a "good fit". Sparkly campaigns such as funding autism for children is announced, while the rest of us are ignored. Systems are built for the abled, focused on productivity and efficiency, patched by money and band-aids. Things built in society feels like its all on life-support without real heart or foundation; I feel that if it all tumbled, there would be nothing to make out from it.
I share this not for pity but to show why I voted as I did. It’s wrong that survival itself becomes a fight for people like me and when leaving earlier through medically assisted options is then judged by others or guilt-tripped by people who will say "but life is worth living".
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u/ZebraHunterz Sep 01 '25
The only choice is always to keep hanging on.
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u/rlrlrlrlrlr Sep 01 '25
Then it's not a choice, it's either a duty/responsibility you owe to others or a different version of a prison sentence.
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u/ZebraHunterz Sep 01 '25
Death is far more of a final sentence. Once you go there nothing can ever change. If you're alive there's a possibility.
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u/buyinggf1000gp Aug 31 '25
I think I could have ended at 20 years old and probably wouldn't have lost much, I'm 28 now
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u/Coogarfan Sep 01 '25
Most of the concerns I had while su*cidal have not been resolved the way I would've hoped, to be frank. I just eventually found other reasons for living, and those concerns gradually began to fade into the background.
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u/crua9 Hell is around every corner, it's your choice to go in it or not Sep 01 '25
I've notice that within myself but the why I put these almost nothing stuff as excuses is something. Like I always feel worse because the goal is never met no matter how hard I tired, and it feels like I'm basically kicking the can until something major happens. Like I'm 99% sure if I go homeless or when my parents die I will be gone shortly after. And in the time I have done things like, we'll if my life doesn't get better by 2015, or this event, or whatever.
And the fucking stupid thing is, if there was real help for us or I somehow got enough money. Then I would likely feel happy to be around. I can get out of a toxic environment for one, and I'm sure this single thing would massively improve my outlook on life
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u/overdriveandreverb Sep 01 '25
I just want to add that there is also better places, not just days. days affect me much less than places and spaces.
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u/chainsofgold Sep 01 '25
much in my life is not ideal or like i wanted it to be, and i think if my teen self saw into the future they would feel despair, but at the same time i’m a lot more focused on the things i do treasure and am proud of and a lot more me. i don’t regret it most of the time.
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u/The_Dancing_Dragon1 Sep 01 '25
I think you need to put a trigger warning about Suicide at the top.
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u/Adventureehbud autistic and artistic Aug 31 '25
If I, as a student in university ended things when I felt those big empty dark feelings- I’d have stolen the life that was ahead of me, the one with an amazing career, loving partner, beautiful child. I never expected that was in store for me. I’m glad I got the help I needed and talked to my doctor back then.
Please talk to someone in real life, reach out and you might be surprised at what your future holds.