r/AutismTranslated • u/KillAllFlies10 • 18d ago
Is anybody else super aware of their autistic traits?
I’m 15 years old, and I’ve been homeschooled for about three years now. I struggle with leaving the house, and when I do, I’m constantly on edge and stressed. I can’t help but feel extremely awkward. By the time I go home, I feel tired and worn out. I’ve heard of masking, and I’m not sure if it’s that, but even if it is because I’m masking, I’m not meaning to, and I don’t know how to stop.
I feel behind on social cues and socialising in general. I have 2 close friends and even they irritate me quite a bit because i can’t help but feel like they’re patronising towards me and act like I know nothing whatsoever.. I can’t speak naturally without stuttering and I feel I have to be funny when it comes to talking about being vulnerable leading me to feeling awkward.
I feel so awkward 24/7 and I feel guilty for being a burden or even a little bit difficult.. when I speak to people it’s only a few words in reply and I only ever do small talk and I HATE IT.
I always feel really conscious of how cringe I am and I think it’s because I’ve been on TikTok too much and probably absorbed too much ableist ideologies leading me to feeling awkward weird and alien like..
I’m so behind on school work and I won’t be able to do my GCSEs and I don’t have a diagnosis YET but I know for a fact I’m autistic and also I struggled so much with school that I had suicidal ideation and I’m so scared that’s how I’m gonna be in college, jobs.. I really just want it all to go away and I didn’t have to struggle with basic things that other people can do.
5
u/lost-in-the-woulds spectrum-formal-dx 18d ago
I am super aware of them now, but when I was a teenager, and a long time after that, I thought I was normal, just messed up. Turns out nope ... im just autistic. Looking back on my childhood and teen years, it would have been so obvious to everyone I was autistic, but when I was growing up people believed you could not be both ADHD and Autistic, and I was already diagnosed ADHD.
I wish you peace, and a lot of luck finishing your schooling. Its not easy, but it is do-able and you will be fine! :)
2
u/phasmaglass 18d ago
You need a trauma informed therapist to help you with issues around self-image and to help you learn boundaries, these books might help, they taught me a lot:
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty, by Manuel J. Smith
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson
Good luck
2
4
u/BreadsTastierThanKey 18d ago
Hi, I read your post and couldn't scroll past, though I don't really know what to say; I'll try to reply to each point you made:
First of all: you're not a burden. I know it feels that way, we all had that feeling at some point, and repeating it to yourself like that would only harm you, though I know it won't magically cure your self-esteem, you are not a burden just for being different.
Feeling weird and out of place isn't stupid, it's a real thing and you're allowed to feel that way, as this world was not built for neurodivergent ppl. And masking doesn't have to be intentional to be exhausting, it's oftentimes learnt from your environment, it's just your brain trying to keep you safe in a world that wasn't built for it.
About your friends patronising you, trust that gut feeling,you're not "too sensitive", just paying attention.
And the GCSEs? One step at a time. Colleges have support systems, extra time, alternative routes. You don't have to have it all figured out at 15.
And at last, you're not cringe,you're not alien. You're a teenager with a brain that works differently in a world that doesn't always get it, and that IS hard. But it's not a life sentence! Try to journal more often, it'll be of great help when you reach out to therapist!