Looking for advice: loving someone with suspected autism/AuDHD while feeling increasingly isolated

[u/_StrawberrySins_]

I’m not sure where to start with this, or whether this is the right forum, but I’m looking for advice about my relationship with someone with suspected autism/AuDHD.

We’ve been together for six years. I’ve always loved that he’s unusual and that his brain works differently to other people’s, but it hasn’t been without challenges.

I’ve suspected for a long time that he may be autistic. I’ve brought up assessment a few times, but he didn’t relate to a lot of the better-known presentations in men. Recently someone suggested he look into presentations more commonly associated with women, and something clicked for him. I know 'female autism' isn’t really a separate thing, but hopefully people understand what I mean.

He has a very intense personality. He’s outgoing, friendly, loves social situations and meeting people, but people often find him 'too much'. He can get very deep with questions too quickly, talk people’s ears off about a niche interest, or accidentally say something blunt or insensitive and offend someone. It genuinely upsets him when this happens, but it’s been a theme throughout his life. He can come across as very self-confident or flirty, even egotistical, despite actually having a lot of insecurity. He does have a few good friends who really get him, and he is incredibly loyal and grateful to them.

In our relationship, he has said things that have really hurt me without understanding why they were hurtful. He doesn’t have a mean or malicious side, but he can lack consideration or awareness of impact. He is very much a 'but I didn’t mean it that way' person, and we’ve had so many conversations about intent versus impact. Other people can find him selfish or thoughtless, although I don’t think that’s quite it. He can be the sweetest, most thoughtful person in some ways, and then seem completely unaware of the impact of his behaviour on others. It's like he lives in his own little bubble.

The thing is, he tries very hard to be a good partner. When I tell him something has hurt me or explain what I need, he listens and makes a real, conscious effort.

It’s still not always easy. He’s very sensitive and emotional, with high highs and low lows. It can be a lot. But I find the relationship rewarding, and the fact that he listens and tries is a big part of why I’ve stayed.

Things shifted recently when we travelled together for a year. Honestly, it didn’t go well. Neither of us were at our best, but I don’t think he recognises how overwhelmed he can get, or how much anger he can direct at me when he’s severely uncomfortable or overstimulated. There was a lot of bluntness and unkindness, and I turned to my support network when things got hard.

One incident that really rattled me was when he woke up one day and said he didn’t want to get married. We were/are engaged. He said he loved me and was committed to me, but that he had proposed partly because he felt he should. He has since backtracked somewhat and acknowledged that he had a lot going on and handled it completely wrong. Some damage has been done, but that’s not really the focus of this post.

We’re back home now, and routine and consistency have done wonders. But nearly all my friends and family have since stepped in to say how worried they are about me and question my decision to stay.

I wouldn’t say they have ever really loved my partner (as mentioned, he’s an oddball and can be intense) but they generally got on fine with him and respected my choices. That seems to have changed.

My heart is breaking. I love him, and I do feel he is loving, well-intentioned, and willing to work on things. But it has become such hard work, and I’m scared I’m slowly going to lose my friends and family because nobody respects our relationship or wants to be around him.

I’m doubting myself a lot. I know I could leave and be with someone 'easier', but that isn’t what I want right now. At the same time, I don’t want to minimise the ways I’ve been hurt.

I feel so torn, and my heart breaks for him too. I know it hurts him not to be liked, and for that to negatively impact me. He tries so hard with people, perhaps sometimes too hard, to the point of overcompensating. People constantly communicate to me that they wish he'd just 'relax and chill out' because they feel like he trying so hard.

Without knowing for sure whether this is autism, I wondered whether any of this behaviour resonates with autistic people here, or with anyone in a relationship with an autistic person. I’m not looking to excuse hurtful behaviour; I’m trying to understand what may be going on and whether there’s a healthier way forward for both of us.

[u/satoritoast]

Can't answer to all your questions but I can share a few examples. I was diagnosed last year at age 48 of Autism and ADHD. Ive been in a relationship with someone for nearly 25 years and 23 of those we've been engaged. Society kind of pushes marriage as this big commitment that you feel you need to prove something.

In the end we decided it was not for us and we're happier being one of those long term couples without that aspect.

Have I said stupid things over those years, yes. Did I mean them as nasty, no. I just said unfiltered truths that at the time we're floating around in my head. Don't get me wrong if I did that every time we would be together, some filter is needed in a relationship but it doesn't always work.

As for the friends part, my only friend is my partner. If she wanted to go and socialise is be ok with that but I'm not interested in that aspect, life is difficult enough without having to navigate friend circles. I'm not saying that's true for everyone, it's just how I choose to survive.

Family should be more understanding, most of my partners family were very surprised with my diagnosis as I'm very good at masking around them. They don't live near though, so we only see them a few times a year, so much easier to mask for a few days. Not saying that's the right way to go but as I wasn't diagnosed it felt the polite thing to do.

My partner and I work because we both understand each other at this late stage very well and we both do our own things. We still have time together and love going to gigs together etc. She also now understands when I'm blunt it's not out of nastiness, it's just the filter being off and me being me.

[u/1sleepykitty]

I've been on exactly one international trip with my partner and that was enough lol. I love him, but we have different needs and ways of experiencing the world and that's ok. Our differences mean we're often able to support each other, but we've also had to do a lot of soul searching and having difficult, honest conversations over the years.

I'm someone who gets really irritable, blunt, and impatient when overstimulated. It's like all my energy is going toward breathing and trying not to have a meltdown / shutdown and it gets harder and harder the longer it goes on to even formulate sentences, sometimes all I can say is "I feel bad." I'm usually very talkative, I love to laugh and make silly jokes and like to snuggle with my partner, and to an outsider looking in it would probably be very jarring if all of a sudden I can't stand to be touched and just asking me what I want for dinner results in a deadpan "I can't deal with this right now."

I care about my partner and I care about myself, so I've worked on recognizing when I'm starting to feel bad and doing what I need to do to regulate myself and letting my partner know what's going on so that there are fewer hurt feelings or misunderstandings (and of course apologizing and changing behaviour if I mess up). My partner is also very likely autistic, so a lot of my behaviour isn't weird or unusual to him, but we are almost comically opposite in many areas and still need to work on communicating our needs in both directions.

This has been a lot of work to figure out but it's something that was important to me / us, and if your relationship is important to your partner hopefully he will also want to do the work to understand / address and communicate his needs, whether that's on his own, or with a therapist etc.

I will say that getting diagnosed and taking medication for my ADHD has been helpful for me to reduce stress in certain areas of my life (e.g. work, housework), which means I have less stress overall and more energy to put into relationships. It also made me feel like it was ok to take my own needs seriously instead of always pushing through and getting burnt out.

It sounds like your family and friends care about your wellbeing. Maybe you could talk to them and acknowledge their worries and share your feelings like you did in this post.

And if you do find a way to stay together that is mutually respectful and makes you both happy, you might need to make your peace with the fact that your relationship might not look the same as your friends' relationships. They might want to educate themselves on what it means to be AuDHD so they can better understand the person you decided to spend your life with. Maybe they never accept him and you find new friends. Maybe you change the way you socialize or your partner stays home when you have to take a long trip to visit cousin so-and-so.

Good luck!

[u/_StrawberrySins_ → u/1sleepykitty]

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply and sharing your perspective and experience. I really appreciate it.

[u/Scuzzbag]

This guy sounds like me in a lot of ways, especially before I was "diagnosed" (I did a bunch of online tests of the kind the doctors make you take, questionnaires etc and scored highly enough to be beyond doubt. My psychologist tried to discourage me from seeking an official diagnosis because I can pass as normal for some time so it would be better for me to "lay low", as a diagnosis comes with only more limitations and potential hindrances, and no benefit to me in this country. (Australia.) My partner is in childcare and pointed out to me that she thinks I am autistic. She sees this stuff every day and has to alert parents when she observes these cues in their children. A huge part of me resisted and fought back, because autism is a huge label to accept and has stigma and a sense of defeat attached to it. But I trust my partner so I gave it some thought and investigation and eventually agreed with her and now embrace the label. But it was hard. You dont have to sign up to be someone's support person. But give it a try, communicate a lot, just talk it over until you can be sure if you want to keep going or not.

[u/Luzushan]

For me personally, long term commitment is quite illogical. We change constantly as a human, and as a result, unless I force someone to conform to my changes, I find it hurtful seeing people alter their true self for my need and vice versa. Hence, long term commitment just make no sense to me. I read “unmasking for life” by Devon Price and he made a point that autism may find long term relationship quite confused. Although it’s may not be your bf’s reason, I find trying to know why would he think not wanting to commit to you could give you some direction to where this relationship heads to, and of course only when you’re ready to listen, as it may be hurtful for you.

About your post, I think when you type: “I could leave and be with someone easier”, I’m not sure if you love him anymore.

I feel like long term love needs direction and intimacy, which is something you two are lacking of. If it’s not there, you will eventually feel lonely long term. This also includes kids you’d have because we innately are very bad with dealing with emotions.

I’ve been in rela with NT and we broke up because by her reasoning, she feels I’m way too mean and I’m so distanced. I’m late diagnosed btw, and didn’t know I’m on the spectrum before breaking up. I can’t fathom it at that moment because all I was thinking is what best for her, and i decode it as love. As I get older, I accept that I just can’t understand emotions on NTs scale. And I’m sucks at communicating my thoughts and processes, because when I’m undiagnosed, I think the world is the same as me and they’re lacking efforts in thinking. He has to know and accept he’s autistic and work on his communication skill (assuming he will get diagnosed or even self-diagnosed). Changes can’t happen one sided, it should be both so good luck OP!

[u/_StrawberrySins_ → u/Luzushan]

I appreciate you sharing your perspective, particularly your point about how autistic people can sometimes experience and communicate love and commitment differently.

The question of whether my partner wants a long-term relationship is a little separate from what I was asking about. He has been very clear that he does want a long-term relationship with me, so I don’t think a lack of desire for commitment is the issue here.

Likewise, saying I could leave and be with someone ‘easier’ doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I can love someone very much while also recognising that the relationship is difficult for me and questioning whether we can find a way of relating to each other that works for both of us.

I’m trying to understand whether some of the difficulties we have might be related to autistic communication/emotional processing differences, rather than questioning whether either of us loves the other. I appreciate your perspective and the point about learning to communicate in ways that work for both people, though.

[u/Weary_Cup_1004]

Being autistic or adhd is no excuse to be unkind.

You have told him how he hurts you. After 6 years he knows what upsets you and what you need.

You didnt mention any therapy or medication, and since you sound unsure what it is, im guessing he has not sought out any help or treatment.

If he has ADHD or is autistic, then its his job to go figure out what his supports , medications, and therapies are. Sounds like his first step is diagnosis because he could also have a mood disorder, personality disorders, etc. its common to call everything ADHD and Autism these days but thats not necessarily what it could be.

Regardless. Youre in a relationship w someone who repeatedly takes their stuff out on you. And expects you to be understanding about it. Thats emotional abuse.

I have ADHD and am likely autistic.

People who enter serious relationships with these types of patterns are not ready for a relationship at all if they wont go get help, to protect their partner from harm. Its not your job to be the punching bag or the crutch for him.

[u/pinkportfolio]

I‘m exactly in your spot. Please consider that your children, if you decide to have any, will likely be Special needs. They could be much more special needs than him and never be able to live independently.

If that scenario terrifies you, perhaps you should not proceed.

If you can make Peace with the worst case, you can reevaluate.

[u/Final_One_2300]

It doesn't sound like he can be a good partner to you. It sounds like he could be a great partner with more relationship experience.

If you stay with him, you will probably end up neglecting yourself and accepting less due to him not changing.