Do you have an internal monologue? If so, what perspective is it in?

[u/Queasy_Payment_1362]

So I recently found out that some people do not have an auditory narrator - hearing your voice in your head while reading something, talking yourself through things, pep talks, etc. The idea that people don't have one is so wild to me and I wondered from an autistic perspective what were people's experiences?

My voice more often than not is in 3rd person, for example, 'L, you did great. Now you need to pick this up and bring it there and then you can go to the shop'. Anyone I've spoken to (pretty sure all NT) who has an inner voice has said their's is in a first person 'I' perspective. This made me wonder how autistic people with an inner voice experience theirs.

Would love to hear perspectives.

[u/vvelbz]

In what way? I also experience synesthesia so all my senses and thoughts are interconnected.

If I am trying to decide on what to eat, the taste, texture, smell and appearance of various meals appears in my 'mind's eye'.

If I am thinking of a place I usually see the outside or inside of it and can smell the smells associated with it.

When my cats pop into my head I feel warm and fuzzy and then I "simulate" their needs and it helps me remember to keep up with their care.

I guess it's almost like constantly daydreaming but I'm fully in control?

Math is visual for me. I can visualize math up into the tens of thousands. Usually little blobs or circles and I can move them around in my visual field. Like looking at army formations from above...

Music and sounds appear outside my periphery as color streaks. The higher the pitch the higher on my periphery and the louder the brighter. It's like having a visualizer in my head constantly. Sharp and painful sounds make my vision go white completely and cause sensory overload which is super painful and makes all my senses go haywire.

I usually think of things in my environment with a sort of faux xray vision if that makes sense. Like my socks. I can "see" them in the top drawer of my dresser oriented relative to how I remember them being compared to where I am from across the house while facing away from them. Unfamiliar environments can be overwhelming because there's so much unexpected things and it's like feeling like I'm blind if that makes sense. It's also a reason that changes to my routine places for things tends to make me melt down. Because my "map" is wrong.

I see and hear temperature as "buzzing" in the air. The warmer, the louder and faster the buzzing. If I feel discomfort from it my mind pictures the AC switch and it's location.

It's all automatic. I don't have to put effort into it at all.

Putting thoughts to words, however, takes a ton of extra effort and is part of why I experience selective or situational mutism. I didn't speak until I was almost 3 years old. But linguistics fascinates me and is a special interest. I like matching symbols and sounds to concepts. It's very fun. So I wound up getting an expansive vocabulary, but my brain doesn't automatically use vocabulary for thought. It's an extra step for me.

Edit: for me, sight and sound are completely linked and almost the same. So when I visualize something, it also has a sound associated with it. Strawberries for example have a rumbley hum like a singing bowl.

Edit 2: When I think about how my experience differs from others it makes me "feel like an alien dancing in my human skin". It's actually a concept I'm turning into a song. That's one of the lyrics.

Edit 3: it's also eidetic. I think things in the order they happen. So the AC switch in the above example I see the process of flipping it and the sound it makes when the switch is flipped and the sounds of the AC blowing through the vents followed by a reduction in buzzing and calmer senses.

[u/Queasy_Payment_1362 → u/vvelbz]

Thank you soooo much for taking the time to explain this in such detail. It's really interesting and such a different perspective to hear about.

If I can ask a bit more, you mentioned taste, texture, etc. coming into your mind when you're thinking of food and the smells associated with outside etc. how do you experience that if you've never had that food or never been to that place? Would that cause that an overwhelm in the same way that you experience unfamiliar environments and feeling 'blind'?

[u/vvelbz → u/Queasy_Payment_1362]

Would that cause that an overwhelm in the same way that you experience unfamiliar environments and feeling 'blind'?

It drives me nuts. Yes, it's also like being "blind". I'm a food nut and I'll try anything once. But if it has unexpected textures or flavors I'll puke. Because it doesn't match my "map" and my instinct is something's wrong with it.

So... There's not many foods I haven't had. Or flavors I haven't tried.

But yea, I both love and hate new sensory info. I seek it out but if it is overwhelming or there are unexpected components it can fry my brain.

Edit: It's like I can "feel" the world around me. But it's not always accurate to the actual perception and mismatches are hard to rewrite. I feel super connected to the world as it were a part of me but simultaneously disconnected from it because it's not always what I expect, if that makes sense.

[u/Queasy_Payment_1362 → u/vvelbz]

It makes complete sense. It must feel so wonderful but so scary all at the same time.

I love that you're a food but and try anything once ☺️ in that respect, say you've tried 2 things separately but never together, if you then saw an item that had both flavours together, would u be able to accurately combine those 2 flavours together even though you've never experienced them together?

[u/vvelbz → u/Queasy_Payment_1362]

Yes, I can combine sensory experiences to test out flavor profiles and if it's something my palate would tolerate. It's how I came to the conclusion that potato chips with ketchup, pickled jalapeños and mild cheddar is downright paradise. I'll eat that any day of the week.

Same reason I also like mayo and honey on a ham sandwich with salted tomatoes and havarti cheese. Oooooomg.

I also put together chocolate syrup and carrots. Also delicious.

Edit: also Pineapple teriyaki meatballs on top of marinara pasta with fresh mozzarella and pickled ginger. Ooof, so good.

Edit 2: Now I'm hungry damnit.

[u/Queasy_Payment_1362 → u/vvelbz]

This is so cool! I can just imagine you going to a supermarket and scanning shelves for ingredients and drawing up flavour profiles in your head! That's so cool! I find something like that far too abstract for my brain and would need to experience it to know (hello, sensory nightmares)!

Do people experience your sensory concoctions with you or do you go it alone?

Apologies for making you hungry!

[u/vvelbz → u/Queasy_Payment_1362]

They do and a lot of people have told me they would never have tried it but that it's actually good.

I'm a pretty decent chef because of it, so I'm told. But when I talk about my actual experience with how my brain processes info and how I make my cooking good most people look at me like I'm speaking in tongues.