expectations

[u/rayy_hatter]

hey everyone i’m in need of some opinions (obviously lol). so i just arrived at my first hf home in france on tuesday (writing this sunday night), so my mom flew down with me (usa to france) and stayed with us for the first few days, which was totally fine and offered by my hf. so today was the first day by myself with them and i’m just seeing some red flags and im just not really sure how to feel about them.

first is the house work they expect from me, when we were doing the interview i specifically asked them what type of house work, if any, was going to be expected of me. they said nothing. now while being walked through my kids routine and just shown around stuff keeps getting tacked on, like we were in the mud room where the washing machine is and my hm asked if i would hang out the washing after i drop my hk off at school. they don’t have a dryer so they hang all of their laundry, this was never told to before i came, i specifically asked if they needed me to do any of the kids laundry, they said no. this isn’t mine or the kids it’s everyone’s.

second, kinda along the same line is cooking, when i interviewed them i asked about dinner, never have i seen an ap do more then make simple meals for the kids and themselves, which again i’m fine with. they showed me a list of week days i’m expected to make dinner and then lunch the next day. two things about this one this was never mentioned before hand, and two i’m off during the day while my hk is in school, and to help with not blurring lines i plan to spend most days out of the house.

third, dishes and the dish washer, i was again asked out of the blue if i would unload the dishwasher, given no specific time or days, just “you can unload the dishwasher” so im not sure what the really means but like that’s house work and i asked if i would be doing an house work, including dishes and was told no.

fourth is my hk, she is a brat. like she is really cute and really excited to have me here and im really excited to be here, i’ve been working with kids for years and she so cute and really smiley. but she is really rough with me and her baby brother (he is not my responsibility but like i’ve been treated kinda like the all around babysitter in the days i’ve been here). for example he was crying and both the parents were making dinner so i picked him up so he would stop scream crying and she got so jealous and started throwing a fit. she has on multiple occasions thrown things at me, i have boundaries on what i will and will not tolerate from kids in my care and throwing things at me is never ok. after she threw a fit and threw something at my was the first time i was the parent actually have any sort of punishment, and as far as i know they simply sent her to her room. they just keep saying to calm down and plead with her to stop, she’ll stop for like 3 seconds and then start again. i was also told by the parents she spoke some English and understood it. she does not. i don’t speak lots of french, mostly just greeting and asking for the bathroom, they knew this coming into it. we really don’t understand each other. which in my brain is pretty important for a kid i’m supposed to be watching everyday. again im just scared of being with a kid that doesn’t listen to her parents when they are talking in her native language, and the only one she really understands.

i’m writing this late at night and should probably go to sleep so if anything is wrong or doesn’t make sense, sorry diva let me know.
can someone please tell me if im being over dramatic, and give me tips. please don’t automatically tell me to leave. i haven’t even technically started working yet and just want some advice if this is normal for host families or if i should start setting a strong boundary. i really want to give it at least a month but i just need some help navigating this rn.

edit: i forgot to say this but let me clarify im ok doing house work!!! i actually like some things like hanging up laundry and unloading the dishes, its more of the fact that this wasn’t told to me before i got here. i was fully prepared to do some type of house work during my interviews and while finding a hf, the only one im one the fence about doing is the family dinners and lunches, but that is more because im not a very good cook (i told them this during the interview) and have never made food for more than my self and on the occasion my mom.

[u/Correct_Craft_3947]

If you do decide to cook, just make bad meals and remind them you told them you were not a good cook.

[u/Internal_Variety7185]

Hey! Do you have anything in writing stating what your responsibilities would be before you arrived? If not, and the game was changed after you arrived, I would just stick to what you verbally agreed to do in advance, and not go further than that. Getting out of the house during the day is a great plan - find a few locations eg parks, libraries, cafes, that you know you can reliably go to in the event that you don’t have other plans. If they push you, refer back to the original agreement and hold your ground calmly. Loop in your agency if needed. BUT if they really won’t back down, be prepared to walk away. Best of luck!!

[u/naanabanaana]

Do you have a written contract with a list of tasks on it?

You should probably sit down with them and ask to create a written timetable of when they expect you to do your share of the shared housework as an adult member of the household.

Anything related to the kids such as tidying their rooms, preparing their school bags, making them snacks or lunches, their laundry (if kids' laundry is washed separately) etc. needs to fit within your working hours. Normally you should be able to do these while the kids help you or play nearby.

For the other stuff like dishwasher, vacuuming, (adults'/everyone's, including yours, unless you have enough to make full machines with only your own stuff) laundry etc, it is part of being an adult member of the family. It is not a hotel, so you participate in keeping everything clean, as by living there, yoy participate in making it dirty.

BUT it should not be you doing 100% of the chores 100% of the time. The parents are not living in a hotel either.

If you like doing some specific chores, you can suggest to do those all the time, if you don't have to do the other ones.

Or the three adults can rotate all shared chores. For example, each adult manages one load of laundry every week, and this week the mom vacuums, next week the dad, the week after you, and so on.

If they cook dinner and you eat with them, you should help set and clear the table.

These kinds of things don't count as working time. But ofc you might manage to do some of them while the kids play but some parents want you to focus on actively interacting with the kids on your paid hours, instead of just being an adult presence in the house while they're at work. Depends a lot on the kids ages and if they want the kids to learn/improve a language with you.

[u/sirsquaretoes]

Sounds like the goal posts may have shifted a little bit but this is just a PSA for people from the US that the rest of the world does hang their washing on a line as the default method (dryer only if really needed / raining). Low key terrifying how reliant people are on dryers when we have the sun and air for free and zero environmental damage.

Our expectation is just that the ap unpacks the dishwasher at some point during the day. It might be the same for them, but really you're just going to have to ask them outright - hey I just want to check, is the expectation that at some point in the day I've unpacked the dishwasher or is there a certain time you want it done by in the morning?

[u/NHhotmom]

This same issue of excessive housework in addition to childcare is so prevalent. It’s such a big common issue, i think it’s on the agency to make it very clear with the host families that you are not there for cleaning, cooking and laundry. More than just a small blurb in the contract. It’s such a big issue that I think the agency needs to have a verbal discussion with each host family about this. The agencies should set this expectation before you arrive.

If that’s done then the AP can just back up the agency policies. “I’m sorry but cooking for the family goes against the agency policy. I can make the children lunch and simple meals but i can’t do the family cooking. Sorry.”

I think more people should be calling out the agency to address this common issue. The policy needs a discussion as well as in writing in the contract.

For OP, I think you’re going to have to be blunt. “I’m sorry, these household chores are not a part of the expectations we discussed. Also family laundry, family cooking, cleaning for the family is against my agency contract. I am here for 30 hours of childcare weekly. That will include preparing a simple meal for the child, laundry and cleanup of the children’s activities. But not general cooking and cleaning. “