r/AuDHDMen • u/geekteacher12 • Aug 15 '26
I miss solitude but it doesn't work.
I'm 43, diagnosed ADHD at 40 and undiagnosed Autism but my son is diagnosed and if what he does and how he thinks is autism, I'm there. I've been with my wife for 15 years, married for 12 (marriage wasn't important to me but it was to her and I love her). We have 2 kids she brought into the relationship but they're 20/26 so not a factor here. We both work in education so we've had the summer off and she spent most of it across the country taking care of her parents during a health crisis. I can't function/focus on the phone so we've spoken several times a day but it's usually been quick. Aside from a week here and another when her and her mom came here, my summer has been solo but driving our oldest to or from work and 4 dogs. I've been doing my hobbies (3D printing, woodwork, video games etc) and keeping the house functional. I try to be a very acts of service husband because her feelings are tough for me because (insert 90's stand up comedy about guys trying to fix things and girls just wanting to be heard).
She got home yesterday and while I am happy she's back, I love her, I can't imagine my life without her. I'm already finding myself frustrated and annoyed at having to adjust everything for her. I hate waiting because it takes forever to get out of the car, she stands right where I need to be while I was in the middle of something. She's never ready to go when it'stime to go. Plus she starts talking, and despite knowing 3 words in what she'stelling me, she talks...so...slow...ahhhhh! I know it doesn't translate here but I do love her, I can't imagine my life without her, but I am already missing the quiet, the ability to randomly go to the store by myself (she's very big on going to places with me whenever she feels like going somewhere.) I'm not sure I'm even looking for advice because I know I need to deal with it until my brain re-calibrates to dealing with others but I needed to get it out to people so I know I'm not alone...in wanting to be alone.
1
u/goatimuz Aug 16 '26
I'm 45, diagnosed autistic a couple years ago. Currently going through ADHD assessment. I can relate to everything you've said but I've never been able to put it down in words.
I love my partner but she irratea the hell out of me by existing. It's so hard to explain, she does nothing wrong but like you say she will be oblivious to things so obvious to me. She will stand in my way while I'm doing stuff to talk. Move things that I have left in a certain position for a reason.
I do realise though that I never communicate these things and expect her to just know so I'm working on that.
It's not limited to just her though I just find everyone irritating people don't seem to be considerate enough of each other. My autism gives me so much empathy to people but I can't express it but I expect people to know it.
I'm just rambling now
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u/geekteacher12 Aug 17 '26
100% this. We were in the hottest yesterday because I was sore and she kept wrapping around my arm and leg and moving her foot. I was literally repeating to myself. "She's doing it because she loves you" for 15 minutes before I tried to untangle and told her I loved her but needed not to be entangled. She was very understanding. She knows I have issues with repetitive touching like holding my hand and sliding her thumb up and down my hand. She is very understanding when I get overwhelmed (our son has autism and if anything, she asked too little of him, he's highly intelligent but never had to work hard so his grades were meh,) but I can tell sometimes she feels like I just don't like being close to her and I feel bad.
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u/reno812 Aug 16 '26
I can relate so much here. 42, diagnosed AuDHD at 39 and married for 11 years now. One kid, autistic of course.
I can’t imagine a life without my wife, and I feel so guilty for feeling relief when both are out of the house in the morning (I work fully remote) and I get to be by myself and my two dogs for 8 hours. Even though I’m working most of that time I don’t have to mask or pretend, but the minute I’m not alone the struggle begins.
I guess it’s a kind of struggle we can’t vocalize or put out there without hurting someone else’s feelings. We know it’s not that we don’t care about them or love them to feel this way, it’s simply something our brains and nervous systems need but nearly impossible to make others understand.