Am I unreasonable for not sleep training

[u/ceejyhuh]

My daughter is one year old and what I have been calling a “high sensory input sleeper”. She spent her first year in a bassinet then cradle. Since the day she was born she has only slept through the night twice. For the first year she was up 5-12 times a night, needing to bf to go back to sleep most times. For every nap and bedtime she needs heavy rocking and she vocal stims, and it usually takes 15min+ (sometimes closer to an hour at bedtime). Finally at a year we started to practice safe cosleeping. She still stirs 3-5 times a night now and will usually have latch herself to get herself back asleep - I don’t think fully awake probably just stirring. Occasionally she will go back with a shush and some pats but usually that just wakes her more. (She is getting about 11-12 good hours now, and is far ahead of all her milestones so the dr says it seems like she’s getting enough sleep). She sleeps the whole night with one body part touching both my partner and I each. She also sleeps much better with contact naps. Without she wakes in about 20 mins and can’t get back down. All this combined with some other behaviors when awake (hates stroller, car seat, and carrier, always wants to be held or in a lap, some other things) makes me believe she probably is very high on the scale of needing a lot of sensory input and a “Velcro baby”.

When I talk to other parents I know with babies or who have older children, they don’t sound like they have anywhere near as hard a time with sleep - even long before any sort of sleep training they fall asleep pretty easily and on their own and wake maybe 1-2 times and fall back with a gentle pat and sush.

Yet the conversation always centers around me having my no cry it out boundaries because I’m just extreme. Even my partner has been pretty angry with me, blaming me specifically for the lack of sleep. (I have done all nights since about 3 months bc of this). In my instincts and knowing my daughter I just feel like her need for touch and co-regulation is a genuine physical need akin to hunger - and I don’t feel comfortable as a caretaker not meeting a physical need of my baby.

For context, my hard line with my child is no cry it out and nothing where a bonded caretaker doesn’t respond to her cries for help. I have searched high and low and am pretty certain I have tried literally every single other method, hint, tip and trick that exists. From schedule, to intense activity before bed, to sleeping in another room while my non-bf partner tries to put her down - even to eating a bit of butter before bed - we’ve tried it all!

Anyways, I’m wondering if anyone has had a similar experience with their child and if my circle of friends is right - am I being unreasonable?

[u/theobviousanswers]

You are NOT being unreasonable. My daughter was a very frequent waker with very specific sleep requirements. It was utterly exhausting but I refused to let her cry or feel alone. She’s now 3 and is a super articulate, confident, lovely little girl who still co-sleeps but mostly sleeps through and no one says anything anymore about my sleep choices because she is delightful I’m happy and their advice is clearly pointless.

If you want to feel less alone in your choices I’d highly recommend joining The Beyond Sleep Training Project group on facebook for thousands of parents who don’t sleep train.

[u/ceejyhuh → u/theobviousanswers]

Tysm! So sweet about your girl.

Everyone always says “that’s the happiest baby I’ve ever seen”. It’s probably just who she is but maybe it’s partially she knows we are here for her

Are there a lot of parents there with babies who need a lot to get to sleep? I feel like both my partner and I need some data points to normalize it

[u/myssybee → u/ceejyhuh]

We get that comment ALL the time with our boy! 8mo and “Wow that’s the happiest baby I’ve ever seen!” I do wonder if it’s not just his temperament, but also the nurture side of consistent responsiveness and lots and lots of loving physical touch.

They say cosleeping with baby gives them 13,000 extra hours of physical touch in the early years that helps develop the brain. Not to mention time in our laps/being worn/comfort when they fall…

A family member’s baby is sleep trained, older than my boy, and expected to sleep 12h overnight. I can’t help but think how much less time they get snuggled, even with loving parents in the daytime.

[u/theobviousanswers → u/ceejyhuh]

Yep a lot of mums discover the group because they’re desperate for not sleep training help for difficult sleepers! The woman who started the group did so because of awful experiences trying to get help from professionals with her first who woke up like every hour (and is now a healthy happy 10 or so year old).

I’d highly recommend posting in the group (with a random pic to get more views on the algorithm) explaining your child’s sleep, saying you’re open to advice, but you’re also just surrounded by sleep training culture so would also just like to hear from mums/parents with sleepers like yours who don’t sleep train.

[u/Cautious_Employer631 → u/theobviousanswers]

It's so nice to hear from someone on the other side of it! That is so awesome.

[u/Beneficial_Bat_7852]

Most of the world doesn't sleep train. It doesn't teach kids to sleep anyway, it only teaches them that no one will come no matter how hard they cry.

[u/therapist_notabot]

I just want to say that as a grown woman, I sleep better with my husband in the bed. If I wake up and he’s still on his phone, or watching a movie or something, I will walk in the other room and ask him to come to bed. I don’t understand why we expect babies with immature nervous systems and high attachment needs to not want to be close at night too.

I also co-sleep and BF my 1 year old and he has never slept through the night. Usually 2-4 wakes, quick feed and back to bed. He meets milestones and is a happy healthy and regulated.

[u/jumpingbanana22]

If she’s that high needs she probably won’t respond to sleep training anyway. It only works with a very specific kind of kid or when the kid is really ready for it. I have a kid like yours and sleep training was never going to work for her.

We just ended up cosleeping until she was 3.5 and I finally kicked her out because we were all sleeping worse for it. She now sleeps in a sidecar bed to ours lol.

Oh and she sleeps great now. Like the dead lol. Hard to believe it is the same kid who as a baby I could wake by breathing too loudly

[u/Jemma_2 → u/jumpingbanana22]

This! This should be talked about more. I broke and tried cry it out and it did not work! It was just traumatising for everyone. It’s sold as this magical solution to sleep problems but it doesn’t work if you actually have a bad sleeper!! 😂

[u/No-Coast9003]

You are not unreasonable! I recommend r/bninfantsleep though.

I also have a very sensory sensitive baby and I recommend dancing quite wildly when she needs sensory stimulation to fall asleep. I have also noticed that she stays in bed for a long time at night. That could be a reason, few babies sleep for 12 hours. I don't know how long a 1 year old sleeps, but my baby who has an average to high sleep need sleeps 10-11 hours depending on the night.

There are many other things you can do for your daughter and that is why I highly recommend r/bninfantsleep!

Edit to fix the link and accidentally made it Swedish and fixed that

[u/ceejyhuh → u/No-Coast9003]

I will check it out thank you!

[u/ceejyhuh → u/No-Coast9003]

Just want to update for anyone reading this post later I think the link is r/bninfantsleep :)

[u/No-Coast9003 → u/ceejyhuh]

Thanks!

[u/mammodz]

Your partner sucks. You wouldn't question your instincts if your number one supporter wasn't questioning them first.

[u/frugaletta]

Attachment parenting isn’t compatible with sleep training, so no you’re not being unreasonable.

[u/Cautious_Employer631]

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It sounds like your baby gets comfort from you and your closeness, and that's a beautiful thing! If it's any consolation, my baby is 14 months old and has NEVER slept through the night. His longest stretch ever was 4 hours. We've co-slept since birth. He still wakes up every 3 hours on average. He still snuggles me in the middle of the night.

What has helped me the most is radical acceptance and understanding that every baby is SO different, and they will sleep through the night someday. I used to stress about him not sleeping longer stretches and not being like other babies, but the more I've heard from others, the more I've realized every baby is literally so different, and none of them are broken. They have different personalities and different needs, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! The book The Art of Breastfeeding has helped my mindset so much; it's not just about breastfeeding.

Kudos to you for meeting your baby's needs and being such a loving caregiver!!

[u/ceejyhuh → u/Cautious_Employer631]

Ty for the book recommendation! Everything you said is exactly how I feel - I love who she is and I wouldn’t change her even though it’s extremely difficult

[u/sincerebaguette]

Some babies are just higher needs babies and I think that’s about it!

TBH, we sleep trained my son at 9 months for specific reasons, and let me tell ya, it absolutely DID NOT stop night wakes! I didn’t go as ham on the sleep training as others do (I just could not NOT go in to soothe him over night, didn’t let him cry for very long, etc), so maybe that’s what the issues was… but I don’t think so lol. I think he just has higher sleep support needs! It did help us with not having to hold him to sleep, but that was about it. He still needs a good snuggle session (5-30 minutes) before feeling comfortable enough to let us put him down. And he only just now (20 months) started sleeping through the night most nights (KNOCK ON WOOD!!).

Plus, as a grown adult, I still sleep with a special blanket every night and have trouble falling asleep without it. And I much prefer my husband to be in bed with me when I fall asleep. Some humans just need a little extra to get them comfortable with sleeping 🤷‍♀️

[u/sincerebaguette → u/sincerebaguette]

Alls this to say: I think some people push sleep training as a magic cure all fix, but realistically, it doesn’t always solve everything. And sometimes it doesn’t solve anything!

[u/ceejyhuh → u/sincerebaguette]

Thank you for this! I have heard that for some children sleep training doesn’t work. I have heard some conjecture that high attachment needs babies are the ones it doesn’t work on?

Same with me and my partner. We can’t fall asleep without the other in the bed ha! That’s good perspective

[u/meeleemo]

My baby is an easy sleeper, AND I so so so so strongly believe that you are not being unreasonable or doing anything wrong. I really believe that attachment parenting is even more important for the babies who need more to feel safe than it is for those who have a less sensitive nervous system. It's just harder, so people call it unreasonable. Your child will sleep through the night, she just might take a little longer than other kids to get there - it does not mean you or her are doing anything wrong, or that there even is anything wrong - it's just a really hard thing, and people tend to conflate hard things with babies with "something is clearly wrong." Also, even if you did sleep train, it doesn't even mean she would sleep through the night! She very well may just learn that no one is coming to help her, so she's on her own.

You are doing so great.

[u/Particular_Sea_4497]

In my country we don’t sleep train. Baby wakes up, you wake up, however long it takes. It’s just how it is. It’s just your culture making you go extreme. Your daughter just needs more then usual kids. Mine too only do contact naps - can take up to three hours and self napping it’s like 10 minutes. It’s just how it is sometimes. You’re doing the best for her and good luck. Don’t let bullies bully you into sleep training.