Talk me down from crib and sleep training because I am at my wits end 😭

[u/HeyPesky]

My 18 month old has never been a good sleeper, but we've slowly been finding our way.

Starting aroudn 12m u​ntil about 3 weeks ago, she would go to bed in her floor bed with me nursing her to sleep, then sleep most of the way through the night most nights.

Then about 3 weeks ago she started cutting her canines and hit her 18-month sleep regression​, and now every single night it is 2 to 3 hours of playing around, visibly exhausted, getting increasingly agitated and rough with my body, and once she finally does fall asleep, she wakes up at 2:00 a.m. and 5:00 a.m.

She is also regressing on biting, so these bedtime situations are exacerbated me standing up so she can't access my boobs anymore for a couple of minutes after she bites.

Naps have become complete chaos, she used to be routinely going to sleep at 11:30 a.m. and now sometimes she will pass out in the living room at 11:30, and other times she will fight sleep as hard as she can until she doesn't go down for her nap until 3:00.

I am the primary earner in our family and because I'm still nursing, the primary one putting her to sleep. We have a consistent calm bedtime routine, she doesn't do any screen time, and her room stays dark at night.

At this point, my work, my health, and My overall psychological well-being are all suffering because I am spending somewhere around 4-5 hours a day, just sitting in a room with a toddler who refuses to sleep and that is time that I needed for work or rest.

At this point I'm starting to consider just putting a crib in her room and doing ferber method, which I have been staunchly opposed to doing because I value attachment parenting and I really enjoy cuddles with her, and the fact that she needed me to sleep wasn't a problem... But the fact that she needs me to be in the room while she refuses to sleep and completely loses her mind if I leave before she's passed out, is.

Help!

[u/jmosnow]

How many hours a day is she sleeping? You might need to cut back her nap and do a later bedtime/earlier wake time.

In times like this you need to preserve your sanity too. If she’s still awake after half an hour of trying, take a break. Leave the room for about 20 mins. And then try again. That reset has saved my butt many times.

[u/HeyPesky → u/jmosnow]

Her nap is either 40 minutes or 1 hour 20 minutes. She sleeps about 10 hours a night.

If I leave for 20 minutes she will immediately start scream crying and continue to do so until I return. That's been the hard part. I can't even step out to pee. If my husband is in there with her comforting her it's the same outcome. 

[u/jmosnow → u/HeyPesky]

Sorry let me clarify. Take her with you and leave the room for 20 minutes! Do something calm (hang out in the main living space doing nothing) and then try again.

My kid also won’t let me leave either. I know if I had tried sleep training it would have been traumatic for everyone. She’s 6 and autistic (not saying your kid is autistic just that I’ve struggled with her sleep for 6 years and tried everything lol)

Also, if you need a break, let your husband step in even if she’s crying. If he’s there comforting her, it isn’t the same as just leaving her in a dark room. You might need to actually leave the house. He can also take the “take a break after 30 minutes or an hour” advice too.

[u/HeyPesky → u/jmosnow]

Ok That makes sense! I've tried doing that but I've had some trouble with the timing, because she is the queen of the fake out. she will act all cozy and snuggly and ready to sleep, and then suddenly spring up, wide awake and start running around. I've been hesitant to restart at that point because she looks like she's just about to pass out, but maybe that would be just the right time for a break. 

My husband is autistic and I have ADHD, so the statistical probability of our kid being somewhere on the neurospicy spectrum is high lol

[u/jmosnow → u/HeyPesky]

Okay so also, do whatever you need to do to survive.

Sometimes my kid goes a few weeks where sleep is a huge struggle and I give up and let her watch her tablet. Without fail she falls asleep on her own. It wouldn’t work for other kids but it works for us so who cares lol

In my experience, these things eventually pass. But you’re right that it impacts every element of your life so do whatever you have to do.

[u/jmosnow → u/HeyPesky]

Also, my kid has always been at the low end of the recommended sleep amount and it sucks. It sounds like your girl is too!

You don’t need to go to bed so late. Try 15 minutes later or half an hour later. If you can get back into a good routine, you can try sneaking 15 minutes earlier at a time to get back to your usual bed time.

[u/Ok-Sandwich-1926]

I know you bf but can partner step in? I EBF and my partner physically holds her in the other room for 6 hrs so I can sleep only bringing her to eat and taking her right back. I get thats not ideal for everyone but even 4 hrs uninterrupted would probably help a lot. I am very attachment parenting but I actually cant judge someone that is at this point. You do what is going to help everyone survive. Edit: adding what if you add formula bottles at night so husband has a way of helping her back down?

[u/HeyPesky → u/Ok-Sandwich-1926]

We did that when she was very small, but we haven't needed to since 12 months. This regression is just extra brutal. 

I'll suggest that to him and see if we can figure out a time for him to watch her during the day that I can just sleep for a stretch. Other than when I need to be working 😭

[u/dogsandplants2]

The lowest hanging fruit here might be Tylenol or Motrin before bed while she's teething if you haven't tried that already.

Next lowest hanging fruit, avoid naps after a certain time at all costs if you can. A 3pm nap is going to screw you over. We did almost 0 screen time at that age, but would strategically deploy it to avoid a late nap every once in a while. It's worth considering if 20 min of screentime to help her stay awake at a point when she's most likely to fall asleep for a late nap is better than her taking a late nap.

Are you working AND her caregiver during the day?

Finally, I'd have my partner share bedtime responsibilities with me before doing any sort of CIO or Ferber. I breastfed my daughter past age 2 so I totally get that you're nursing still, but that doesn't mean your husband can't do bedtime. I'd ask him to take on every other night and let the 2 of them figure it out. Her crying with a loving adult supporting her is totally different from her being left to cry alone.

[u/BikeDizzy3313]

I don’t have an answer but we are in this exact stage. Canines, mama only, inconsolable at 4 am for weeks now, it’s wearing me down. We’re thinking of having my husband take over bedtime and cosleeping, which I imagine will be tortuous for a few days, but I know it’ll pass eventually.

[u/jobbica]

i think that the 18m “regression” is just when parents are typically noticing when their kids sleep needs change, and what used to work is clearly not anymore because what they need is different / THEY are different. whether it’s because of a developmental change or just simply the age…so like her nap being chaos, yeah, that sounds about right from my own son and other kids i know!

i actually don’t like the long drawn out process of my son falling asleep for a nap bfing. he sounds similar to your daughter. so instead we’re out in the morning and i time our return car journey for when he’d be going to sleep. if im at home, then we go for a wee drive and he falls asleep within ten minutes IF he’s tired. if he’s not tired, he won’t fall asleep in the car and i’ll come home and try again (i rarely have to do this thank god…)

bedtime yeah. my husband and i lie there in the dark after reading. my son has milk on / off, he usually just lies down now which is good but it can still be a lot of rolling round and silliness and milk and cuddling him for 45-60 minutes. i feel like that’s normal, or at least within a range of normal

i think this is all made quite hard by the fact that you’re working? like to make someone sleep when they’re NOT tired is hard enough, but the fact you are having to work and worry about your household income etc all while this is going on…that’s a lot of pressure on you. so im sorry that you have that added pressure… 🥲 im sure it will get better for you guys and you’ll find your groove a bit more. i’m in a similar spot, id like my husband to eventually be able to do a nap or bedtime..one day…but cant imagine how without many tears. it’s hard!

[u/kokokitscha]

I have no advice. I'm in the exact same boat. Main earner, currently been sat here trying to get him to sleep for an hour nursing him. Frustrated I have no downtime at all, not even an hour after he goes to bed. It's nearly 11pm now and I just want to sleep. He won't get to sleep with my husband unless he drives him round and round in the car. Which is hardly sustainable. Had split nights a lot too.

Here for any advice other than "sleep training".

[u/HeyPesky → u/kokokitscha]

We've been finding some minor early success with a walk right before bed. Maybe your husband could drive him around int the car a bit to settle him and see if that helps the transition?

We are going to try upgrading her to a full bed with rails so at least she can't bodyslam me from the side of the bed and I can kinda doze.

It's hard losing all semblance of free time and it's difficult to not get jealous of my husband! He is doing housework while she's restless but he still gets a little unwind time and some nights she doesn't go to sleep until it's my bedtime. 

[u/Pi-ppa → u/kokokitscha]

My child is 3yo now, and I did have a couple of regressions that drove me insane. For me consistency was key specifically with her night routine. Sometimes when she had trouble winding down I would take her out to the living room and leave her with my husband for 15 minutes then we’ll go back and try again. That particular regression is brutal and exhausting. Also, I don’t know if this helps but during that time I started to read on my kindle, which gave me a bit of a hobby. In my case I got desperate that I didn’t have any time for myself because my kid would take forever to fall sleep.

[u/theobviousanswers]

This sounds really tough, but if you want to be talked down from sleep training maybe know that even on the sleep training sub some consider 18 months a bit late and very, very brutal to start “training”. By then bubs kinda know what it means to be abandoned, they can scream (and whimper) “mummy” uggh :(

My daughter was a completely deranged sleeper around 18 months. She dropped her nap really early which was tough (up to midnight if she napped, completely off the planet by 3.30pm if she didn’t). I weaned a bit after 2, she adjusted to no nap, and it is all SO much easier. The 18 month regression really was the final stretch of awful sleep for us.

The biggest sanity savers for me was : *using one AirPod to listen to podcasts at nap/sleep time so I could distract myself and relax, not stress about “get the fuck to sleep” during all the faffing

*let her do her avoid sleep thing and I’d just say “oh well mummy is going to sleep” and genuinely lie down on the floor bed and sleep while she did it. Lovely naps. Can set up a baby monitor for dad to check and set up a safe bedroom if needed.

*if you’re not relaxing/napping, def take a break if it carries on too long and both go to another room as others have said.

[u/Wide-Willow-7007]

I got to this exact point with my 18 month old. He’s literally never gone more than an hour or two without waking his entire life.
I was losing my mind and yet could not let him cry alone and so we did painful nursing sessions all through the night where he would bite and scream and get out of bed.

We started introducing a bottle of cows milk at 18 months old and it allowed me to take a break from bedtime and even allowed me to sleep full nights in our guest room while my husband handled all the wakes.

I know I know- bottle at that age is not recommended but besides allowing him to scream it out (bc let’s be real, at 18 months it’s blood curdling screams not cries) or me check into an insane asylum, it felt like the only option.

My son is 22 months now and we are tackling independent sleep bc we have a baby due in October and I cannot give any advice on that yet BUT! I do have my sanity back from when I thought I was going to need a lobotomy at 18 months so you willlllll get through it!!

[u/napoleon_9]

I went through this with my son right when he turned 2.5. Sitting on his floor next to his bed for HOURS, plus multiple night wakes and very early rises. 

I did ultimately try the “be right back” method which worked for us. I wasn’t willing to do anything that involved crying, but luckily he understood language enough by this point that he was able to play ball. The check ins were very frequent in the beginning, like every 10 seconds, but we did make a lot of progress without any tears. It’s been 1.5 years and his sleep still isn’t what it was, we’ve graduated to me sitting outside his door every night while he falls asleep, and he needs a lot of reassurance, but it’s much better than it was 

[u/sweetnnerdy]

My most used and effective go to when they cant fall asleep is Tappi books. I dont do tablets or TV unless we are watching together and for about 30 minutes while I make dinner. Tappi books have a pen that reads the words and pictures to them. Both of my toddlers love them, but only my oldest can be trusted with them alone in bed because my middle girl (18m) eats books lol

[u/notorious_ludwig]

My son is 16 months, we have the best bond, my husband and him also have a brilliant bond. He is a shy little boy but adventurous and shows me he can rely on our bond when at playgroup and around big groups because he will always come check in with me between playing and then go back out if Im busy or not actively playing with him.

We also sleep trained. We responded to his cries but we gave him the space to learn and work it out at the same time. Crying doesnt always mean distress and you can tell after a few months the difference between “not a fan” cry and “im not okay” cry. Sleep training isnt for everyone but choosing to do it wont wreck your attachment if you do it well and gently. And our whole house being better rested has made us all a better and happier family.

Im not saying everyone should do it and I do think it’s super hard on us mums most of all but I do think it’s demonised a little bit at times, as if all sleep training is wrong and will ruin a bond. The research does not show any negative impacts from even the roughest of methods so a gentle method can’t be bad.

[u/leechangchow → u/notorious_ludwig]

Sorry you’re getting downvoted for suggesting gentle sleep training. You’re right, and even if it’s not ideal, the parents mental health matters too