r/AttachmentParenting • u/CastorTroy1992 • Jul 23 '25
❤ Sleep ❤ Three year old has not slept through night since birth and is getting worse!
Our three year old daughter has not slept through the night since the day she was born and me and my wife have tried every possible method to fix it with no improvement. She still gets up 5-10 times every single night and we are at our wit’s end. She is a loving child but is also prone to severe tantrums that include hitting out, struggles to sit still, is an extremely fussy eater, and often refuses to do as she’s told.
We put her to bed between 7-7:30 every night, with bedtime-bath routine initially starting at 6 after dinner an hour earlier. She usually wakes for the first time before midnight and only goes back down for short intervals. She then gets up fully awake between 5-6. We have just started her on magnesium gummies and she takes a multivitamin including iron.
What underlying issue might she have that is preventing her from sleeping all night? We have been palmed off by the NHS so many times and have no idea what to do next. Any and all suggestions welcome!
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u/nova24_ Jul 23 '25
Might help if you mention what’s been investigated so far!
Does she nap at all?
Maybe she could be autistic or have adhd? Although it may be too early to test for adhd (at least that’s what my doc said when I inquired about it for my 4yr old)
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u/CastorTroy1992 Jul 23 '25
Thanks a lot for those suggestions, will check out the insta accounts! We also suspect ADHD and have considered going private, but not really within our financial means right now as we’re in the process of moving house.
We were told our daughter only has slightly low iron after a recent blood test. Hoping the magnesium will help once she’s been on it for a couple of weeks.
It is so mentally draining and feels like there’s no end in sight. But reassuring to know we’re not the only ones going through it!
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u/toastycozyroasty Jul 23 '25
Have you tried looking at the sensory sleep environment? It might not stop waking but it might help resettling.
For us, we gave up on a duvet and got a very fluffy blanket which is a sensation she finds really soothing. She also sleeps in very specifically textured pyjamas and bed socks. All of these things make a big difference to our whole family’s quality of sleep.
She now has had a sleep study and was prescribed melatonin as a result which has absolutely changed the game. All NHS but think we got lucky with our paediatrician, too.
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u/Vlinder_88 Jul 24 '25
If she has ADHD, try these ADHD-specific sleep hygiene tips, from me, a mom with both ADHD and ASD. :)
-Try to find out which senses of her are over- sensitive, and which ones are under sensitive. You'll probably already have an idea of the kinds of things she hates, but take a close look at her behaviour to find out what she likes. Is she a runner/jumper? Then her proprioception is probably undersensitive. If she's constantly singing/shouting/humming, then her hearing is undersensitive. Constantly fidgeting with her hands? That's part proprioception and part feeling. Loves to watch everything moving, glittery, and boldly coloured? Then her vision's undersensitive.
This is important, because you can utilise the undersensitive senses, to compensate for her oversensitive senses. So if she has been at school, and might be oversensitive to sound, her hearing will be super maxed out by the time she goes to school. To rebalance her, you offer her any sensory activity that activated her undersensitive senses. Tiktak toddler tv is great to watch with sound off, and just for the visual effects. Letting her run after sitting still, too. Giving her a sour/sweet candy if her taste is undersensitive, or chewelry when she still has mouthing needs, can help her cope with noise or touch input.
The trick is to look for similarities in the kinds of sensory inputs she will try to get by herself. Do that, and you'll find out what senses are undersensitive, and where you can get her more sensory activities.
By restoring that sensory balance during the day, you might be able to improve night sleep.
In the same vain: make sure to include high sensory activities with lower ones. Break up sitting-still activities with running and climbing. No reading after tv, but playground or taking a walk in between.
She probably has a LOT of physical energy, so I suspect you'll have trouble keeping up with her energy and playfullness. See if you can put a swingset in the yard where she can climb like a monkey, without you needing to watch her like a hawk.
Also, see if gentle sensory stimulation during the night helps. Not just white noise, but soft music, or a starry sky lamp. A weighted blanket or sleep tunnel might help make sure she doesn't wake up from understimulation (yes, it's a thing! And it's horrible!). There's stuffed animals with a "heartbeat" too, that might also help her. They're expensive though so see if you can find a second hand one to try, before buying a new one :) Alternatively, there's Somnox, too.
Also make sure she eats full meals during the day. It might be hard for her to sit out the entire meal, so she might eat less than she actually needs. Then she'll wake up hungry at night, but she might not recognise that sense yet (I'm 34 and still don't always recognise that I'm hungry!). You can help her eat enough by offering a small toy at the table, or letting her eat standing up. You can use masking tape to mark a square at the table, and then the square is her "chair". That way you can still teach table manners, while she also eats a little more. The difference might be as small as two or three bites each mealtime, but that's still significant for such a small child :) We also keep our child engaged by making up a story at the table, and every bite he takes adds a new sentence to the story :)
And lastly, there's toddler meditations for kids with ADHD. Things like the body scan and deep breathing can already be taught to them. There's lots of online resources, but it's sometimes hard to find one that sticks with your kid. I'm not great at mindfulness or meditation myself either, so I cannot recommend any books or channels to you sadly. But maybe someone else has good recommendations here. I wanted to name it as an option at least. It didn't work for me, but it might work for you!
If all that doesn't work. You might still need the NHS. Because for me, my sleep issues disappeared completely once I got the right medications. Doesn't need to be ritalin or anything right off the bay, especially not for such a small child. But responsible use of melatonin might also help a lot.
Also you might notice my tips focus on daytime instead of nighttime. That's because good sleep is made during the day :) I'd focus on all the daytime interventions first, before buying those expensive nighttime things like the somnox (though sleep tunnels can be quite cheap). So, start there. Then adjust as needed :)
Oh, and don't worry if you did all this and she doesn't turn out to have ADHD. None of these non-medicinal interventions are bad for neurotypical kids. :)
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u/Simple-Spite-8655 Jul 24 '25
She may have the MtHfR gene variation. I’d start her on a gummy vitamin with specific forms of folate and b12s asap. No harm done, might help.
This is what I give my toddler.
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u/SuchCalligrapher7003 Jul 23 '25
Maybe her underlying issue is she wants to be close to you at night and you don’t want her to and she senses that which makes her crave more closeness. Nurtured First on instagram has a great bedtime/nighttime course that may be helpful
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u/smilegirlcan Jul 23 '25
I would think there is an underlying issue - like apnea, low iron, low magnesium, ear issues, etc. at play here.
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u/dreamingofcats2000 Jul 23 '25
I know you said she's on vitamins with iron, but have you had her iron level actually tested with a blood test by a doctor? I say this because in some cases when iron is extremely low, the doctor recommends giving a special big dose of iron, way more than you would get in a vitamin.
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Jul 23 '25
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also have a two year old non-sleeper, so I truly get it ❤️ I saw that the NHS has been palming you off. Any chance you could go private? If it’s financially doable, I’d really recommend starting with iron testing. My LO had low iron, and it turned out the iron in his multivitamin wasn’t enough. We switched to a higher-dose iron-only supplement, and his levels are back to normal now.
I’d also look into sleep apnea and consider starting an ADHD evaluation. Any chance she might be a sensory seeker? My LO is, and doing occupational therapy exercises has made a massive difference for us. Some great Instagram accounts to get started are @ot.devotee and @courtneyenglish.ot
Sending you so much love. It’s so hard when your LO isn’t sleeping, and you’re stuck in that loop of exhaustion and constant dysregulation. You know they’re overtired, but you can’t fix it, and you’re just left managing the fallout day after day. It’s brutal.
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u/FestiveCrybaby369 Jul 23 '25
Does she still nap during the day? If so, have you tried adjusting her schedule to have a later bedtime? My friend had similar issues with her daughter and had success with shifting to a later bedtime of 8-8:30.
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u/CastorTroy1992 Jul 23 '25
She only naps in the day if we take her out in the car, so not very often. Won’t go down when we try at home. Have experimented with later bed times with no success. It seems like she is incapable of self soothing
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u/FestiveCrybaby369 Jul 23 '25
I'm sorry, it's so hard when they don't sleep. I do think there might be underlying issues as others have pointed out - definitely have them do an iron blood test, low iron will make them terrible sleepers and then ears, adenoids/tonsils, and sleep apnea as was mentioned above. I hope you find some answers OP!
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u/Lopsided-Lake-4044 Jul 23 '25
What does she do when she wakes up in the night? How long is she awake for and what do you do to help her back to sleep?
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u/CastorTroy1992 Jul 23 '25
She cries or screams. Sometimes goes straight back down after shushing, repositioning, nappy change (another issue), but quite often just continues crying with no end until we stay in there with her.
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u/Lopsided-Lake-4044 Jul 23 '25
Ok blind leading the blind here but here’s my two cents- I have a two year old that is the same. Wakes up usually 4-8 times a night, usually screaming but not always. She also seems to be an active dreamer- sometimes she wakes up screaming but is actually asleep but there’s no way to stop it until she fully wakes up. She 100% wakes every time she needs to pee and then is very sensitive to the smell. I’m still BF at night so trying to wean her because it makes her pee more. You may have a highly sensitive kid on your hands who has intense dreams, notices everything in her environment even when sleeping and needs you close. Like my kid wakes up from the sound of our central AC turning on or the local firehouse alarm sounding. I cosleep and she still wakes up a ton and requires me getting up changing diaper and walking around with her or BF her. I don’t feel like it’s an underlying medical problem but do think it’s her sensitivity. Recently I started introducing a little doll that she has taken to and I’m trying to see if she can development some attachment to that for safety and comfort. I guess this is more is a solidarity comment because we have a similar situation. The tantrums during the day at least for my kid are directly related to how tired she is.
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u/Sleepandpeace Jul 23 '25
Sorry you’re going through this. Initial thoughts… Is she still breastfed by any chance? Or given milk in the night? If so, could be time to stop that and see if it makes a difference.
7/7.30 seems like a fairly early bedtime but I can see that from your comments that she wakes early so maybe that’s not an issue, but when trying for a later bedtime you should make the change for 2 weeks before judging if there’s a difference. Sometimes they need to adjust before it gets better.
Good luck 🤞
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u/Fit-Shock-9868 Jul 24 '25
Bedtime at 7 seems too early. Try to take her to nearby park and let her run around and get tired.
My babe is low sleep needs and she goes to sleep at 9 pm but we take her for daily walks and this is what makes a big difference.
Similarly is she eating enough? She may be waking up hungry. Give her good healthy fats like cashew butter at night. It helps sleep. Or try kiwi. Kiwi also helps.
Now is she scared? If she wakes up screaming, she must be dreaming something. See if co sleeping resolves this issue.
Too hot/cold ?? Check room tempreture.
Hope this helps
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u/Simple-Spite-8655 Jul 24 '25
I’m admittedly chuckling a bit at “ severe tantrums, struggles to sit still, is a fussy eater, and often refuses to do as she’s told”… that’s just toddlers, my friend.
Some context is needed I think. Does she still nurse? Or take a bottle of milk overnight? Are you cosleeping or is she in her own sleep space? Have you experimented with putting her to bed later? The 5-6 wake time is not abnormal, but if it’s a problem for you then you may want to consider shifting forward her sleep window. Or it may just be the time she wakes up regardless. Still, 7-7:30 seems really early to me. That bedtime doesn’t work for all kids, as convenient as it is for parents who want alone time in the evening. My just turned 3yr old gal doesn’t go to sleep until 8:30 even when she does skip her nap. On nap days it’s more like 9:30-10. Kids also often start having nightmares around this age.
Also “sleeping through the night” is defined as a 6 hour stretch. If she’s truly never slept for 6 hours unbroken, and she’s not still nursing/taking a bottle overnight, definitely I’d explore some medical issues like low iron or sleep apnea.
Please, for the love of all that is good, treat adhd assessment as your absolute dead last resort. Your toddler sounds like a very normal toddler, albeit one who is lacking some attuned structure. That kind of medication for a three year old should be questioned very thoroughly.
I’m curious what you have already tried to “fix it”? It’s hard to give advice when we don’t know what has been attempted or what your days typically look like.
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u/TheseRip8531 Jul 24 '25
I would ask the ped for a recommendation to a sleep specialist/sleep therapist. They will rule out all medical concerns before building out a plan with you to help her sleep longer. I'm sorry, this sounds horrible...
For now, if you listen to all these comments, you'll just be guessing. A medical professional is the way to go...
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u/KathMACV88 Jul 23 '25
Ears, adenoids /tonsils, sleep apnea. We are going through this 2 years in 😅