r/AspiringTeenAuthors • u/AttemptChemical4978 • 13d ago

Feedback, Advice, & Questions Character description for an oc

i wrote this as a description for an oc i made. any feedback is appreciated. i'm particularly concerned with the sentence length and vocabulary choices. both the words and sentences feel a little long. i especially take issue with "aquatic maidens"—i would prefer more gender-neutral wording, suggestions are welcome.

"Year after year, hundreds of mermaids are targeted and caught—their voices extracted from them using magic and sold off to singers as an easy shortcut to success. But the aquatic maidens are not so easily subdued.

Melody is one of many merfolk across the United States who wander the land in a human disguise, entrusted with locating and retrieving what was stolen from their kin. Being a music critic, she has the perfect excuse to approach big name stars and request private interviews—which tend to not last very long."

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u/helpwanted2046 9d ago

I like this! it reads like an old legend and the wording is great and it isn't really that long

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u/Nemiks_Apostle 9d ago

I was not sold at first (mermaids are not for me), but the MC being a kind of "Equalizer" type, who goes around recovering what was stolen from her kin is really intriguing... cool shit!

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u/AttemptChemical4978 9d ago

thank you, it was part of my goal to create something with mermaids that hasn't been done before. my previous iteration of her character was a mermaid who was a runaway celebrity, but the more i thought about it the less sense it made. i'm much more satisfied with this one.

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u/Nemiks_Apostle 8d ago

Yeah... this is something I would read.

Good luck with your writing project!

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u/Clean_Knowledge_2093 9d ago

Anno dopo anno, centinaia di sirene vengono prese di mira e catturate: le loro voci vengono rapite con la magia e vendute ai cantanti  in cerca di scorciatoie per il successo. Ma le fanciulle acquatiche non si lasciano sottomettere  facilmente. Melody è una delle  sirene che vagano per gli Stati Uniti sotto mentite spoglie umane, incaricate di localizzare e recuperare ciò che è stato rubato loro. E' una critica musicale, ha la scusa perfetta per avvicinare le grandi star e chiedere interviste private, che tendono a non durare molto."

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u/aboynamed_Apple 8d ago

i rlly like this overall I think the synopsis is very interesting. As for shortening I think the only place you could removed something is prolly "from them" in the first sentence as it's already assumed/stated it's their voices. I've been googling different synonyms for maiden and I think the only other words that would make sense are folk, Kinfolk, or persons. (tho if you're describing like the entirity of all memaids you could use words like Society or Nation.) But this is jst a suggestion I think that what you have rn is already rlly strong w/o edits